HELP! Tell me I'm not emotionless

Even if i barely laugh at your jokes
Even if your incessant laughter fails to infect me
Even if your shocking news causes me to only say "oo",
Even if after you've poured your heart out and all i could muster is a weak smile.

I wanted to hug you, but i dared not.
I wanted to laugh out loud, but i just could not.
I wanted to tell you what i thought of it, but i was afraid.
I wanted so much to be that pillar of strength you so needed then, but i just lost all words,
I was blank, once again.

I can't help but notice how emotionless i have become over the past few years. Read me right, I am NOT totally emotionless, just maybe emotionless to some, full of emotion to others? Sound's like my emotions have moods too. Funny thing, but to some people, its almost impossible to allow my true emotions to show, even to hug them feels weird. But to selected few, its just so natural, i'm probably only my truest then.

Sometimes theres so much going through my mind, but i just don't know where to start, i don't know how to tell you. Sometimes i don't even know if i want to tell you. I feel so bad for not sharing my opinions, but i go blank so often, its not that i don't want to but rather i can't. Makes me feel utterly useless, its like my very existence there is as good as invisible. I hate disappointing you, yet its so hard not too. I keep feeling so incompetent , you probably already thought of it before i even said anything.

Yet, know that i truly cherish you. I wouldn't trade anything for you, the friendship you gave me is what i look forward to everyday. Even though my expressions betray my emotions most of the time, know that deep inside i really want to
laugh aloud at your antics and jokes
hug you tightly and tell you how much i care
point out what i thought was weird
and let you in on my deepest secrets.

Tell me again that i'm not emotionless. I only hide my emotions really well, because being vulnerable is like having the 3 football fields thick wall around you suddenly smashed.

You know whats hard when doing a tag?....its the caption and reasoning part. The tag is usually relatively easy, especially the one below. But to reason when the results are just so absolutely silly and have nothing to do with the question..hmph, thats the difficult part. And theres the part where the answers' scream your true feelings....don't you just feel like fabricating those results to save yourslf from the interrogations later on? heheheh

tagged by Aaron:

Put your iTunes/any other players on shuffle.
II. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
III. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
IV. Tag 11 friends who might enjoy doing this.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Er Zuo Ju (prank)

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
bu neng geng ni fen shou (can't stand breaking up with you)-----?????

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
here in my home ----aiyor, sound so wrong!

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
carry you home----huh?

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
someday i will understand----yer so depressing wan.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
ultimate you----hmh, being true to oneself, maybe?

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
better than me----wahahahha

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
enchanted: thats how you know .....lol. i don't know.

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
too little to late-----sigh, regrets...ain't it disheartening?

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
run into your arms-----i.am.speechless.

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
the potential break up song----ouch, that really HURTS!!

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
i think i love you---at least got berkaitan with the question.

13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
SMS----i like to sms a lot?...true also

14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
hoy me voy .........erm, i don't even know what it means.

15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
shut up and drive ...ahahahha, shut up n drive safely to the funeral parlour!

16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
goodbye's the saddest word-----wouldn't it be better if these was (15)'s answer?..hmph

17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
pokarekare ana

18. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
wo men zhen me le ......aduh, why does all my answers bend towards the negative??!

19. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
first love

20. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
sidewalks-----ouch this is sad!

21. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
too much to ask----yea, private question. LOL

22. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
autumn in my heart...HUH?

23. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
savages---hahahahaha

24. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
keep holding on---awwww


LOL my results are just so freaking silly, not to mention so tak berkaitan!

People I'd like to tag (In no order of preference ) :
1) aiyor
2) whoever
3) feels
4) that
5) urge
6) to
7) do
8) this
9) interestingly
10) lame
11) tag.

SO you go blog hopping? I do to. In fact I think its a very exciting pastime, good or bad, it depends. If you have assignments and you're blog hopping then, nay, it ain't good. But if you happen to be very, absolutely free, then by all means=)

Why do I think its really exciting? Because I always stumble upon interesting reads, thought-provoking posts, inspiring works or glimpses of friends I haven't heard from for ages! Remember those 'kotak hitam' experiments we use to do in school? Blog hopping to me is like when you put your hand in that tiny hole at the top of the box, then you wiggle your way around trying to guess whats in it, and it usually turns out differently. It's like > *SURPRISE*< at the end of the hopping.

So nosy. Me ? Not that I'm a busy body, I'm not interested at what you've been up to (if you're not my friend), I just like looking for good reads, good pictures and ideas. And, hey, you put that blog up here, its not surprising if I stumble upon it, right am i?

Anyway, its funny how I go to peoples blogs and find out things I never knew, even if I sort-of-knew them for as long as I was in school. Back then, the only conversations we exchanged would be the occasional 'hi!', or the 'could you pick my pen for me please?' and neither would say anymore. Funny. Pathetic.

Then I go on further, and I discover they, who hardly spoke to one another then, whom no one would have guessed they would be at the same place, save at school; now in the same picture, posing with friends whom I know not. No, it wasn't a class picture of any sort. It was at an event that has nothing to do with college. So, they had something in common after all!

I look at the friends list, and pick out a name or two that I think I might know. Sometimes I guess right, sometimes it turns out to be a completely different person, sometimes its people I don't know after all. But even at these certain person I-do-not-know's blog, I find out he/she and I have a common friend! Small world right?

Lemme tell you again....blog hopping IS fun! Just know when to and when not. Self-discipline people! Me is still learning that;)

I cannot understand how one can say they love their current other half, yet cannot see marriage with that person even after dating for quite awhile. If you don't really think you'll marry them, it implies that you'd probably eventually break up, no? And we all know that break ups causes heartaches, emotional pain and such. Yeah, you say you'll get over it eventually......REALLY? completely? think harder.

So, if you know you're gonna get wounded when it ends...why continue on with this 'temporary relationship'? why get together in the first place? why?.....to enjoy the moment then get yourself hurt after that? then bring that emotional baggage into your (probable) eventual marriage (to someone else, perhaps)?

i haven't blogged in a month!

not that its anything to be surprised anyway. i decided i'd spare u all another truckload of emo posts. hahaha

finally the mad-rush-to-finish-every-single-asgmt month is over! yes, its holidays=]

this sem was really really really bad....i dunnoe what i have been doing cos it seemed as though i had 4 months worth of work to complete in the past 2 weeks. 'nuff said, i barely slept.

if i didn't have the help of my mum and allll my siblings i would never have finished in time. really thankful to them alll....my mum din sleep for 2 nights (not in a row lar) helping me tooo...dahlah the next day gotta drive me to uni to pass up.

next sem's i really absoloutely need to work faster, procrastinate much less, be more confident with my ideas....sigh cos ar, if i dun think my idea is right/ good i won't start my work wan lor.....bad bad. Someone please kick me if i dun work faster n harder next time!!!

You thought you knew,

You thought you needed to try;

Now your paper heart bleeds,

Your crying buckets.

This heartbreak was never meant for you,

It was your choice that caused you this;

I had better plans installed for you,

All you had to do was to WAIT.

I offered you the perfect love,

But you wanted more,

I promised you I'd give you more;

…just not yet, you weren't ready.

You questioned why,

You wanted a clear answer;

Your friends voice was clear enough!

Instead you wouldn't listen;

..what do they know?

You went ahead anyway.

Sigh…..you only needed to TRUST me.

Now you come back crying.

All hope seems lost, your heart is shattered,

You gave more than you received,

You are drained to your very last.

You rejected me then; I could reject you now,

But because I love you more than you could ever imagine,

I am giving you the chance to HOPE; yet again.

This morning i read about how sleep, or rather the lack of it, could affect our devotion time. For me, that slapped me right in the face! well.....i have been like an owl the past few weeks, finding it hard to keep my sleepy eyes open and heavy head up to do my work during the day, but when at night (past 12am) i am awake! Partly due to the fact I've been falling asleep so many times during the day already...lol
Then it goes on to say that researches have proven that the lack of sleep causes us to eat more than usual! Have to admit that can be true....cos i usually get very hungry if i stay up past midnight. Too bad my weighing scales is out, don't know if all those late night suppers' done wonders to my weight!!!! ...(or is ignorance bliss? hehe)
Remember the story in Acts, where Eutychus fell soundly asleep while Paul was preaching and dropped 3 floors down to his death? (later brought back to life through Paul la) and another one about Jacob who was so tired he could even use a rock for a pillow!! the Bible really has lotsa sound advice=]
When we don't have enough rest we find it hard to concentrate, or even give God His time. Or sometimes we (or me laaa) decide to spend a lil time for devotion, then i think twice and hw got the better of me. I start to feel guilty for not spending whatever little time i have to finish my asgmts. Bad choice, i know. Blame the laziness and indiscipline, now i've gotta work tripple times harder to finish all in 1 1/2 months; thus the late nights.
I know we young peeps love staying up late...cos, i dunnoe, but we all just seem to be doing that. haha. But the question is, is your staying up late/ sleepless nights causing u to spend less time with God or to not spend time with Him at all?

They actually have my name=]

not exactly but got lar.

i'm talking bout this name quiz thing.
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz

this is what i got:

What Shernai Means You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic “Type A” personality.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

quite true lar most of it.... but good in business and academia?.....hmh, maybe not.

Meeting up with long time friends never fails to remind me how little we know of each other. Our knowledge of each other is really so shallow, sometimes i don't even know what to talk bout anymore. I long to share with you the other side of me you probably never saw but i just don't know where to start. To tell you from the beginning its so ancient we'll never get to the top in that few hours. But to not tell you at all would seem unfair; to call you my closest friends and yet if someone asked us about us, all we know is each other's course, uni and the personality we seem to see. The reality; of course we don't really know. Isn't that what everyone else knows too?
Its such an irony, the fact that i know so many people from so, so long ago, yet i don't actually know them. Neither do they know me well enough to be the pages of my diary if i ever lose my memory.
I wish i had a friend who could be those pages, who could tell me what i was thinking even if i didn't speak a word. Someone i can tell everything and anything to, even if its about them.

Just thinking of it makes me emo, i feel the jealousy creeping in already. I know God could fill that place but just having a physical friend that fits that bill is perhaps a little more securing? Or maybe God didn't intend for some to have those sort of friends for reasons i really would like to know too. So we could learn to lean on Him even more maybe since He know's if we had one we would then depend on them instead?

How do you think a dam (empangan) looks like? A place with lotsa water and a wall nearby? That's what I thought too. Till I went on a family holiday last monday to wednessday to this place called the Tasik Temenggor Discovery Island. It's basically a resort somewhere in the dam surrounded by nature, eg trees, endangered animals and tonnes of insects.
It is indeed a beautiful place, for those who appreciate nature and a simple place devoid of air cond, television ....basically your cut off from the world outside to just enjoy God's wonderful creation. Really, once you reach the jetty in Grik, Perak; you still need to take a half and hour ferry ride to the resort. That is how deep inside the dam the place is. And all through the journey you see nothing but vast waters, and luscious green jungle islands. There's so many of this small islands if one were to venture out alone, you'll probably get lost, cos they all look alike.

In the boat house, with my dad watching my sister throw darts and in the background, the other couple that went there the same time we went. So basically we ate with them and hanged out with them when we weren't doing any activity la.
P/s: see the red dart flying?...yeay! I finally managed to capture that with my dslr after many tries. =P

And since we were a small group...9 guest only (7 fr my family and 2 the other couple), we got plenty of attention from the owner, Mr Steve Leong. Really good food, his-own-recipe sauce for BBQed potato, which he says he'll only give us on our 3^rd time to the place; and the first ever group of guest to use his new dining area! He even ate with us on our last night.

View from the dining area around 7 something at night. I made them stand there for 3.2 seconds. Hehe, but worth it don't you think? At first my dad was like "what?? No point lar, won't be clear wan"...but he agreed with me at the end Haha. A bit blur la, but I'm not pro ma, plus we didn't use a tripod, cos.......i didn't think of it?
If you're expecting a nice little room with nice beds and a nice toilet like those 4 or 5 star hotels, think again. Remember the key word.....N.A.T.U.R.E

Us in our chalets, which fits only 3 ppl. The outdoor toilet, with mountain water and no heater. Freeeeeeezing!!!
We went jungle trekking there, the guide saw the herd of elephants and made us all faster trek down to safety again...sigh..we were pretty near the top di!! My younger bro and sis heard the elephants too. On another trail we saw the rafflesia buds. The guide said "come back again la in 2 weeks time, it should open then"! Too bad no photos of those. My dad was holding the camera.
Kayaking was the best thing there, so my brothers say. Made my arms so tired, I think I did enough exercise for the week during the trip.

The owner personally carved out the fishes and all in the wall. The walls and all were made mostly of wood, trees and stones. The whole place really has the owner’s touch, you’ll know he’s a nature lover just by looking at the place.

the boat house from the dining area/ house.
All in all, a different kind of holiday!! I enjoyed it all except for the insects. Me and my brother's chalets were infested with carnivorous ants on the 2nd day. They ate their dead fellow insects.....yerrrrr.

have you met people who, all they seem to do is complain? They come back to their sit and complain to you, who sits behind them, and to the other close friend that sits beside them, an again, to those of the same kind,in the next class . To them, if it doesn't go their way, its not the right way then. If its not to their convenience, something should be done about it. But not them. Their only job is to complain and gather symphathy and hope that things would change. If they deserve it, i wouldn't be blogging here. But the fact is, they do not.
As for these people i came across, they complained they weren't treated fairly as compared to the rest of us. They thought they deserved better, they thought they were under-graded. If you prepared a report by just copying from wikipedia,(without any editing at all) , copied a nicer picture to make the cover, then handed it in a few days late; you tell me they marked you wrong?

Good luck to them, but the world does not revolve around them, in case they haven't yet noticed.

With tonnes of them beside me, i can't help but feel smart. But then again, it makes me feel degraded too. I came to a place of higher learning expecting more, expecting to be challenged mentally, not to lose out in my quest for knowledge, but the only challenge i find is the courage to stand against the culture i see. The challenge to not procrastinate does not count, I'd get that anywhere.

Imagine this: The lecturer tells the assignment brief and explains well enough with examples too, not once, not twice....but every week, 4 weeks already. The mates come in every week, show him some sketches, he assumes they understand. Then when he does not approve after 4 weeks, he realizes they do not understand. Again he explains. Does that help? No. So what is it they do not understand?

mates:"Sir, what is motif?"

lecturer: "*slaps his forehead* I told you before!!..patterns. I want you to find and incorporate traditional patterns into your design!"

mates: "So we draw the motifs in our design?"

lecturer: "*sighs*
" Up to you lar whether you want to just put it there or however you can think of"

Thank goodness I am not the lecturer. I'd slap their head. Not mine.

Have you ever thought about God and all He's unexplainable actions and how 'cruel' some seem to be? Like taking away a parent from what could have been a pretty sweet family. Or letting a child, a very intelligent, great guy, one we girls wouldn't wanna miss; letting him go at the prime of his teens. Or even taking back a mum's life even after tonnes of prayers and fasting, leaving her young children to question, to search, to be extra vulnerable....what if they stop trusting then? What if, with a father to love, she would not need to depend on a guy to love her? Maybe then she would wait and trust Him to bring the right man, instead of playing god herself? God really has a different way of doing things and i guess a bigger plan for them. oh well, if we could understand all His plans, we would be God then, aint it?

I still wonder too whether this course is really God's plan for me; or was it my decision made purely out of rebellion? It has been fun indeed, a very different kind of learning, challenging but not that i really enjoy challenge, a kinda weird environment, yet very pressuring when I have no ideas at that crucial moment. And it can last for days. I am 2 weeks away from the half of the semester, time is not on my side. The pressure is building fast, especially when my classmates already have their designs approved and I am still cracking and knocking my brain to think, holding my eyelids up so I don't fall asleep, one pretty ok idea is birthed and then nothing again.
But then it isn't hard to keep dreaming of other things, and each time tonnes of ideas for anything else spills over like a waterfall, but no Mulan. (my theme this sem is fairytales and i chose Mulan)
Whoever thought design was one easy feat should swallow their words right now. I wish God's voice would just boom from above, or write on the wall or anything that is so obvious I'd be stupid not too realise!!

Enough of the emo-ness.

If you've been expecting a Raub post, my dress, camp post and birthday post, wait ever more patiently=D. Whatever that needs pictures is looonnng, and blogger hangs each time i try to arrange those pics. How annoying!

Till then....patience is a virtue;)

i'm dreaming of........pirouettes and twirls, flips and flying splits, ribbons and hoops. Dance is stuck on my mind. A fashion show with ballerina's in my designs dancing down the catwalk fills my brain. The colour, white; the fabric, flowy.

i'm hearing the silent, persistent call of the assignments to finish them before it piles so high i won't be able to see the other side. The nagging worries of ill-fitting garments, ugly colours, cheap designs and burning a hole in my purse. No more will i start work at the eleventh hour.

in front of me, the notes...and my worrisome-confused-questioning reflection. I'm thinking why is it so hard to understand? Why is it so long? Why can't i concentrate?
All these questions of my own suddenly rises again, interferes and distrupts my thought flows. Flying, waiting impatiently to be thrown at someone who could answer it, who would answer it. But who? I wish you'd tell me.

why, oh why do i think so much? why, why, why??

Friends

Met one lucky day, was it chance or a step outside our shell?

Chat and laugh the next, because birds of a feather flock together.

Then you disappeared,

And I wondered.

But thank God for technology, distance is now but a click away.

I see you, virtually.

I remembered you all these years

The question is, do you still remember me?

I'm sure we've all got friends like them. I read about them now, since I have no idea where they are. (thank God for blogs!)

Theres so many things I want to ask, friendships to rekindle, contacts to be re-established. I will remember to take down your phone numbers or msn now.

Its sad we never really got to talk bout much. Especially when I see now we've quite a bit in common interest. I love shopping too and I want to try shopping online, but I'd like you to teach me.

Was it really that we never got a chance to talk? Or was it purely shyness? Oh God, give us another chance!

*************
Talking to you is painful
I wonder why i still bother.

Like a knife piercing the heart
It only cuts deeper.
*************

Smile for the world to see

Laugh for the people to hear

Love that lives be touched

 

And,

When you smile, smile unabashedly

When you laugh, laugh unassumingly

When you love, love unconditionally

 

Then hope that

When you smile,

the world would smile with you

And when you laugh,

you'd inject laughter into their hearts

And when you love,

you'll love like you never knew heartache.

Windows Live Spaces

a preview of the raub mission trip. i shall update betul betul when i got all the pictures!

Parents tell their kids to apologise for their wrongdoings. But when the mistake is theirs, all too often a sorry is not even heard. Instead they nag away and make it sound as though the fault was yours, again.

Teachers mark their students wrong for their mistakes; fair enough. But what if the teacher themselves made the mistake? Or worst, barely know the subject matter themselves, and marks the student wrongly? They too won't usually be the ones to apologise; neither would they accept your correction with grace.

Sounds familiar?

i wonder why is it so hard for us to just apologise? What would we lose? Seriously. Lose the pride and gain a friend. Don't lord it over others, you'll likely never to earn anyone's respect that way, no matter how good, how smart or how rich you are. All we (or I at least) hope for is equality and openness.

If you made a mistake, you apologise

If you are corrected, accept it. (no use pretending your good at what you know you're not=)

If your views are challenged, hear it out.

You're not always right.

i was just wondering just now, why is it we always say how do you GUYs do this? or what do you GUYS think but we don't say..you GIRLS?..even if we're communicating with an all girl group. weird, no? hmph

Tis the season to get together!

Should I smile? Should I distant myself? Should I speak?

Would you want me there? Would he want me there?

You tell me! (cos I can't read you)

What happens when your best friend gets together with her best friend? And you happen to hang out with the both of them practically everyday. You haven't seen them since they got together, but how would it be when you finally do?...hmh, I actually don't know if I'd want to know.

I imagined this would come, but I didn't give thought to what it'd be like when reality hits. I know its not new, I've been through this before, but I usually had an escape…..you.

Would I be jealous too? Would I feel weird?..you know what? It feels weird already. I don't know if I should lunch with you everyday now. Or..i don't know. I don't know what to don't know about too.

*sighhhh*

Don't hate me if I interrupt the moments

I'm really ignorant and blur

Hesitate not to tell me if you don't want me there

But tell me if you don't mind

I don't wanna lose a friend, I hope I won't.

booohoo...1 u is boring!
hehe just cos i couldn't find anything i like. me is so picky...tsk tsk tsk*sigh*

but steamboat at yuen's made the rest of the day better!! we ate like 3 hours straight!! lol..oh and we meaning me and my form 6 friends and guan..k scrap that, lets just make it me and ex ss 17 students.
*i'll prolly put up some pics once i get them fr zx*

too bad we didn't manage to video the uncivilised malaysians rushing for......fried chicken! like what??!!! but it was funny to watch..and very 'kan cheong' too, and like siu said ' food taste better when you have to fight for it' LOL...we, sadly are uncivilised too. we sent our fren to rush and grab chicken for us too, more for the fun of it.hehe

annnd 'get smart' is a pretty hilarious movie.....only wish they didn't make the rock the bad guy..(oops, blew it for those who hvnt watched....sorrrryyyy!!!!!) why do directors always have to cast good looking guys as the baddies. hmh....so typical, not nice anymore.

*yucks...why is my blog turning into a diary?..ish not the reason y i started blogging!!*

10 excuses to holiday without leaving home

1) try to get my photoshop programe installed
2) watch kittens play, fight and meow for their mum, then irritate them with camera flashes and scare them with water (now their at my neighbours house)
3) carving stories and poems and dreaming of masquerade masks then procrastinate again and not pen/draw them on paper
4) oogling at deviantart-ist's work and dreaming about my own deviantart
5) trying to decipher what deb's poems in wordpress means
6) go blog surfing and poking people on facebook (doesn't anyone feel bored..yawn)
7) create photoshoot poses and scenarios in my mind
8) decide to not burn a hole in my account by not going anywhere far
9) google people's names and see where it leads
10) try harder to get all the adobe programmes to function on this computer

ok fine. I'm just lazy. To the extend my tables are not cleared yet, and i took up 3 tables while working on my finals. bluek.
sorry girlfrens, i know we're suppose to go out and celebrate john's very belated b'day and to hang out with steffi's host sis toooo=)
sorry larr...the past week been busy organising a bbq and sleepover,....phewww..glad its over. The food was dissapointing but the fellowship was goood. Not that the food wasn't nice, (it was, really) just we had a shortage of food. We had girls mastermining the dunking acts and i discovered that debbie was isaac ravi's sister. (shucks...am i the last to noe?) and malacca was fun!!! posers!!Though i can't find a picture i look nice in, haha.....gosh, 2 cg outings, back to back, in a week, super tiring wei. Now i'm lazy to upload photos, we shall wait till i find a picture i look nice in. oooh, and THE DAD wants me to sleep already..so, nights!!

Screaming in silence

This despair

The silent torture

Of wanting and longing

The only escape

In dreaming

The fantasies carving hopes

Hopes that it'd become true somehow

Like fairytales, the happy ever afters.

Backyard Invaders

i have kittens in my backyard!!....no, i'm not jumping for joy. they freak me out. ish..i just have something against fur and fury animals. its creepy.........!!!!!!!! sorry larrrr

there's suppose to be 4 of them..but 1 hiding in the broken pipe. somehow they all like to play in there. they'd pull and push each other out of the pipe just so they can get in....so funnny.

i have to admit they're pretty cute, but still..they scare me. i'm so paranoid they'd come climbing thru my window, i actually close it most of the time. same with the door, i keep it closed. and when i do have to go out.. i shiver if i have to go near them.

once, i was watering the plants pretty near them..the grey one 'grrrred' at me and i jumped back..haha. the 'grrrr' was kinda loud..k lar just slightly louder...then their usual 'miao'.. and the mother cat, sine she noe's my family tak tahan animals wan..always runs away whenever she sees us..and comes back usually only to feed her kittens. but she'll watch her brood from nearby.

i think they're a week old di...at frst my siblings wanted to shooo it the 1st day we saw them..but i had compassion for those kittens..(seeee, i'm not all that evil after all...haha) i guess when they're just born they won't be able to move much too kan, and the last thing i want is for them to die in my backyard!!!!
so thats y they're there!..so hope they go off fast...lol

my model (right) wearing my design posing with her friends, modeling the clothes my classmates made.

random pictures of my artwork:

maggie Q modelled my garment!!!! technically she DID!!haha...i lurve the hair c;)

and random artworks=):

sem's OVER and i'm happy!!!! i would be for this first few weeks.....so many of my friends are back.. yea!!!=)=);)more going outs, more money spent..... but 2 months is no-kidding-long. too long i'd think. gees.....mr LimKW should hire me to help him rearrange his uni's schedule. he prob doesn't realise how his schedule makes his students suffer. let me take u thru a year's schedule:

Jan: HOLS
Feb: HOL till chinese new year is over. then the sem starts
Mar, Apr, May: its 12 weeks or 13 weeks of classes. the last week of may is the last official week of classes
June: 2 weeks grace to pass up asgmts then HOLS
July:HOLS
Aug, Sept, Oct: another 14 weeks of classes, actually with 1 week mid sem break included. then i end
Nov: 2 weeks of grace again and its HOLS
Dec: HOLS !!

my gosh....mr Lim really sucks the money outta us. we suffocate and suffer for 14 weeks or if u are me...17 weeks (haha) then we enjoy for a month and rot the rest of the hols. thus your 15 k (or more)of tuition fees. i honestly won't mind an extra month of classes each sem. more time to do work, more lectures, and we can learn more.

all his brilliance, and these he can't figure out??!! *shakes head*

i rant enough. i shall enjoy.

tagged by xiang ning:

Part 1: On the outside
Name: Shern Ai
Date of Birth: 4th september (now u noe , so....... *hint hint*) hehe
Current Status: Single
Hair Colour: black
Righty or Lefty: lefty


Part 2: On the Inside
Your Heritage: Pure Chinese
Your Fear: insecurities! i hate being alone anywhere, anytime. and i'm paranoid of what u'll think of me after this. haha;)

Part 3: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up: i still wanna sleeeeeppp
Bedtime: Random
Your most missed memory: being with friends and talking our hearts out

Part 4: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: they taste the same lar....
Single or Group Dates: both. actually i dunoe. how i noe?! i don't have a bf also=(
Adidas or Nike: mng??
Lipton Tea or Nestea: old town white coffee ...haha

Part 5: Do You...
Smoke: i can't stand smoke
Curse: hehehe........when i'm angry yea lar (ooopsss.......ssshhhhh)
Drink: ...... if shandy counts?

Part 7: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: Nope...NO WAY!!
Changed who you were to fit in: sometimes

Part 8: Age
You're hoping to be married: it used to be 24, now no way!.. its too soon, i don't have a bf and i'll only start work then.

Part 9: In A Guy/Girl
Best eye colour: brown
Hair colour: dark purple!!
Short or long hair: depends whether its a guy or girl

Part 10: What Were You Doing?
1 minute ago: Answering the previous question
1 hour ago: chatting
1 month ago: slave to my asgmts

Part 11: Finish The Sentences
I love: music, fashion, art and maths
I miss : my friends
I need: God, family, friends, internet and answers!

Part 12: Tag
aaron, joanna, anna, lydia ( all the very free ppl!)

List out 5 presents you wish for your upcoming birthday:
1. an mp3 handphone...slim, slide, 5 mega pix camera, loads of memory and xtra memory stick...
2. i want a dress form!!!
3. a light blue myvi
4. dinner at tony romas , or japanese buffet
5. more presents!!

Now, i really thank God i didn't choose to major in business. Twice i had that idea. twice i had that opportunity. if i did, dunoe what will happen to me now.
STUPID BUSINESS MANAGEMENT!!! annoying research.

stare. crap. blank.

this assignment is due in 7 HOURS and i'm only halfway done. good luck to....me.







ok. back to assignment.

think, crap, blank, crap , blank, crap , blank, blank ,blank, BLANK, BLANK!!!


*........AARGH......*

sitting on the chair
my laptop facing me
my book on my lap, opened
i read (or try to read)
but
all i see is a jungle of words.


i look again
i read again
still they're just words
words i cannot make any sense of
(no, they're perfectly fine)
its just ME.


yet again i (TRY) to read
(TRY) to analyze what i've read
(TRY to connect them with what i've learned
(TRY) to write it for my assignment

BUT

My mind is absolutely blank. It has been for days. B-L-A-N-K.
Seriously nothing is going in or going out. Not when it comes to this assignment.
I barely started.
And its due this Wednessday.


God help me!! i NEED NEED NEED to focus!!!

*i wish there was some huge green pasture on a mountain top somewhere near that i could just go and scream my lungs out*

GODISNOWHERE


God is no where OR God is now here?


i prefer God is now here.
well, He is not just here now but, he was here just now and He'll be here later too.
thank God for that cos i really really really need You here!! i know i can't do aLL this with my own strength. it IS utterly impossible. there's just to much to juggle and no matter how much i try, (or TRY to try) i still struggle.

God help me pleassseeee!!!

*my mind is officially detached from my body. i don't know if i'm thinking, what i'm thinking or if i'm even thinking. there's just so much running through my mind i can't even make out what exactly it is. its just so weird. *

One wonders why on earth did God create mosquitoes and ants and other like insects (PEST). What good are they? Biting us, sucking the blood outta us, annoying us; in short, such troublemakers.
So, ants teach us a valuable lesson about working hard and preparing for the future. what else? What about mosquitoes and flies? Causing us malaria and other diseases are their only gift or am i a little under knowledged as to their other benefits? Do tell me!!


And yes, you guess right. As i'm sitting here doing my business assignment, i'm being fed on by mosquitoes. Thus sparked this random idea of blogging bout this pest. hmh........this i've wondered for years.