Waking up to the sound of bells

Having a primary school somewhere on the right and a secondary school on the left is really no fun! As if the Singapore sun rising at 7am is not early enough, the school bells ring, songs blare fr the speakers and the principal trying to quieten his students should be enough to wake anyone up. Not to mention its a HDB flat. Meaning, there's just so much motion and noise you should just wake up though back at home this is WAY TOO EARLY.

I think I see my parents smiling (...if they ever read this). Over here, house rules is to not sleep so late. Late, meaning 11pm. And to not wake up so late, meaning 9am max. But thats ok, the waking up I mean. With school bells and songs blaring, drilling and wedding gongs, I can't possibly sleep any longer. But sleeping early?!..hmm, that's been a bit difficult. I feel like I have not done much work. Everyday I feel like I could have done more if I could just cut back on sleeping time, then I would be pretty much on time to hand in well done assignments.

The standard here is really high! If you thought doing a comparison assignment was just a table, pictures and pointform thing, you're way way wrong!. One of my class mate made it to look like a magazine spread, even the cover was like a magazine cover! Another made it like a story, like comparing is 2 friends wardrobe. Mind you, we weren't told to do it that way, we were just told to compare. Talk about kiasu!

Home is where the heart is

Hello there! Its been 1 month since I left my beloved home. Truly, home is where the heart is. The place where I had a somewhere to call my own, the room door I could lock if I wanted to hide myself away, the study room I could stay awake past 3am just so I could try to finish assignments, the washing machine I could throw everything in so I won't have to spend time hand washing everything!

There is really so much to miss, I can't possibly list it here, I'll just bore you to sleep! So many things I never cared about that suddenly seem like haven to have them now. Cue, the washing machine!

When life throws you lemons, what do you do? Make lemonade, eh?
"But I don't like sour!", you say. Deal with it! You can't always have sweet, you'll just kill yourself slowly.

So life don't always provide you with everything you want the way you want it. But hey, if life here was perfect we won't need heaven anymore!

I've learned that we can't always have everything our way. We can't expect things to be the same everywhere. We've just got to learn to be flexible, but not too much though.


So the next time life throws you lemons, make lemonade and sprinkle with a little sugar.

{Death: I'm sure we all know what this is, no need for definitions }

{Morbid: according to Wikipedia, it is a diseased state, poor health or disability}

{Taboo: strong social prohibition}

And for as long as life has been,
Death=Morbid=Taboo

We shy away from the topic of death.
We shudder at the thought of it.
At the mention of death, a chill is sent down our spine.

And Death is followed by Memories. Good, bad, forgettable?.......take your pick.

Up to 10 years ago, memories of the dead would pretty much, only be read out during private memorials, maybe shared with the 'next generations', and thats about it. Even if the Late was an evil, hardly many would know.
But today, there's facebook, and twitter and blogs and whatever web based applications. The comments would be all across the world in seconds!

How would you like your memorial to sound like? What last comments would you like the world to see on your page?

Today, 18th June 2010 @ 3.2o pm

At the roadside stall, the pak cik exclaimed loudly that yet another accident took one too many lives from the same family. I didn't much think of it. After all, there's just too many accidents happening every day!

After cg, on the way home @10+ pm

A friend was commenting about the same accident. The world became smaller, or so it seemed. It was his friend's, friend's family.

After cg, at home on facebook@ 11pm

A friends page. The same accident. But this time, time seemed to skip a beat. The world is brought even closer. My good friend lost his friend. God brought him Home.

A moment later,

Another friend's page. Again the same accident. Now my world seems to have shrunk so small, how did God put so many people I know, to know that same family, or specifically that one person? If the heart had a trigger button, someone had set it to trigger the crash button right about now.
I didn't need to know the person to feel this way. Just the fact that many of my friends lost their friend is enough to make me sad. The biggest impact probably had to be that my friend, whom I'd gotten to know better during form 6 years, SHE, lost the shoulder she could cry on, lost the hug she could receive, lost the warmth of love she gave and received.

To you my dear friend, be strong, be very strong. He would have wanted that of you too. And know that even if we do not know why it happened, God did not cause it. But HE allowed it and HE knows what HE's allowing. There is a reason for everything, one day HE would make it known to us too.

Don't give up on life, don't give up on God!

Praise the Lord because my God answer's prayers!

Now I know pure JOY!
**************************************
The months of praying,
The buckets of tears.

The crushing thoughts,
Self condemnation.

**************************************
Really, I am my worst critic. Most of us are ain't it so? From the moment I answered the first question during the interview, my critic-self was telling me 'great, you're doomed! you're so not gonna pass this'. Obviously I didn't do that well during interview. I mostly couldn't answer the question, and gave little 'smart' answers that really just showed them lecturers that I'm probably one of those with a hollow head who thinks they're the best anyway. (eg. dumb blondes, or in this case just another dumb black) They asked me why I wanted to do this course? I didn't know why. All the time I've been thinking while preparing for the interview, I couldn't answer that too.

Then the months of waiting, thus my previous posts. Wait, wait and wait some more. All the 'what're you doing now?/ i thought you wanted to do this?/eh, i heard you're gonna go somewhere?'. Definitely not helping either. I know, I don't blame anyone. Just curiosity, after all its not that I see them everyday.
But waiting really is torture!...With each passing day I wake up and contemplate to pursue or to give up. Should I continue studying? Should I just get a job? What if I'm not accepted there? Would I want to do another 2 and a half long years? Should I give up? Should I pray harder?
I should pray harder.

And so I did. And cried a lot too. Ok make that I wanted much to lock myself in the room till I get the reply I wanted to hear, because tears just wanted to flood my eyes everytime i thought of it. Which is all the time, unless I was doing something else, which coincidentally, is hardly. But because I hate to be seen crying by anyone even my family members, I would swallow back those tears before it could leak out the corners of my eyes.

Alas I finally received what I've been praying for! The next chapter of my life, in Singapore=)

Its 6 months down the road. All direction you ever thought you had has been washed away by storms of worry, your little pebble markers scattered by ambiguous winds. That dream you once harboured?..See it shatter, splinter, strayed to every corner of the never ending maze. There's still a piece you hold, afraid to let it go, as though your very life depended on that tiny puzzle piece.

But the weight of the piece, it makes you crumble slowly. It hinders your move at every step. It takes the light out of the day and the stars out of the night. Or maybe thats what you've allowed it to do.

Still, that piece has been a tiny glint of Hope you've been clinging on to ever since you started this journey. Should you hold on? or is it time to let it go?

How do you glimpse light in this blinding darkness?
How do you journey on without answers?
and yet hope to be found on the right track.

Another day passes
I'm still looking,
Still walking,
Still thinking,
Still wondering.

Would it just be a dream?
A dream...
Cooked to perfection in a silver pot,
Served on a diamond platter,
Laced with gold.

I wish it was just round the corner,
I'd stretch my hands,
And there it'll be,
On the palm of my hand,
For all to see.

But reality hits,
The dream's now but a blur.
Moving further,
Fading.

I don't know it anymore.

Its the time of the year once again where Easter eggs are painted, Easter bunnies hop around and the holidays....for those lucky few. Then there's Good Friday, where Christ journey to the Cross is often enacted in plays everywhere. And tomorrow.. (wait, its already tmr=]) is Easter.
Today Christ arose again, and the sun is shining once again! And I say this because, I have noticed that every time its Good Friday, it always rains and many people have this sombre face plastered on.

But put the holidays and bunnies and eggs aside, what is Good Friday and Easter after all? After all the plays and stories replayed year after year, its quite hard not to know that Good Friday and Easter is all about the crucifixion of this one Man, Jesus Christ and His rising from the dead. All the pain and suffering just so our ancestors, us and the generations after us wouldn't have to die on the cross at the end of time. But why?

I often wondered. Jesus Christ; He was 100% human on this earth, yet He was also 100% God at the same time.
Why would He who knew all things beforehand, choose Judas as one of the Twelve disciples? Why would He allow his betrayer to be by His side when He knew what kind of death He would eventually go through?
Why give up His crown, His position, His glory and all of Heaven's beauty to come down to this earth, all of its filth, embrace the life of mankind, the growing up, the working and worst of all, the most painful death when He did absolutely NO wrong?

Today, I know why. Love is one, yes the greatest. I knew that long ago, but I still questioned why. As I wondered why I did not feel the sombreness of the season, I read again the chapters of His crucifixion and rising, 'cos really, there must be something wrong with me for not understanding the depth of this greatest sacrifice. Why would this Man who did no wrong, whom I have not seen with me physical eyes, is willing to take up that cross??? O.B.E.D.I.E.N.C.E

Thats it! Obedience. If you loved with all of your everything, your father, you would want to obey him as best as you can, won't you? If you loved your girl/boyfriend or your husband/wife..you would want to fulfill all their wishes even if it sounded crazy, won't you?

And obedience lead Him to the way of sorrows, all the way to the Cross. Being fully human then, he agonised. He felt the pain even before the questioning began. He sweat blood and cried to the Father to take the cup (the suffering/cross/ death by crucifixion) away from Him, but He ended the prayer with..."..but I want Your will, not mine."

Imagine this: What if Jesus said this instead "..you know what, this is my life, my body. Why should I suffer for these people's sins? They are the ones who commited those sins..liars, cheats, polygamist, murderers, evil masterminds, adulterers, gossip queens...........
Then,
there would not have been victory over death,
there would not have been victory over sickness,
and we would all need to die on the cross too when our time came!

Obedience really is never easy. But without obedience there is no victory. Jesus obeyed though it meant He did not have freedom over his body, He obeyed though he would have to be humiliated, He obeyed all the way.

Obedience is a choice, Jesus chose obedience and won the battle for us all. Will I also choose obedience and live victorious because of the Cross?
Will you?

What to do? Where to study? Would it take too long? Would I survive on my own?

Would there be enough money? Would it eat into my siblings funds? Would I be a burden?

Is it the right thing to do? Would I be embarking on a journey I envisioned myself? Would it not be a plan He had for me? What if it wasn't? How will I know??

What if it isn't for me, but I went on ahead without realising? Would I stumble and fall so bad I won't rise up again? Or would I rise up but head the Other way?

What if it was, but I pulled the brakes and scrapped the plan before it could begin, because I thought I wouldn't pull through? Because I thought that it wasn't wise to spend more money on an education I'm not sure would bring me far? Because I didn't have faith that He would provide?
Would that be my end? Would there be no turning back? Would there be another chance to redeem the time lost doing things I wasn't meant to?

How will I know?
When will I know?

I guess, like the song says.....EVERYTHING, including the answers I so desperately want to know, IN ITS TIME.

In the crowd, the peoples wave, the smiles returned
They pass, their faces blurred, their footsteps fade
You passed, you smiled
But did you see?

Every week, every month
And for many years,
Do you remember?

Acquaintance come, acquaintance go
Here today and gone tomorrow
The first day, acquaintance
The second day, acquaintance
And for a 1000 months thereafter,
they're still acquaintances.

But, do they care?

Wow! its been months. And to be blogging about what i'm about to write, right here, right now.....I never thought i'd had the courage to let this come online where just about anyone who may stumble on this blog would read my embarassing moments, but I just had to. Just had to let go, let myself release those pent up emotions, and remind myself that today i promised myself I WILL BE STRONG.

I hardly understand why but everytime in this class, i would shed tears. Any little shelling, or just a little questioning I would tear. Bucketsfull if I don't pull it all in again. Is it the stress? Is it the frustratation? Is it fear? I don't know. For the past year, almost every week, this would be the case. Embarassing aint it? If my classmates were to be talking about it, I wouldn't ever want to know too. But they sure have been nice, comforting me and telling me its ok, its normal, that they too cry buckets...just at home.

Its not that i want to cry out here in public. If I could control those tears I'd never ever shed a tear where anyone could see me. I hate to cry. It makes me feel like a weakling. Probably its 'cos Im already small in stature that I like to feel strong. Little things like not being sick in the past few years despite all the irregularmy sleeping hours is some sort of an accomplishment to me.

So today wasn't any different. All it took was a little remark, not meant to hurt. All he said was that I should've come earlier to see him, cos I always came at the last minute and I could feel those hot tears pushing out of my eyes. Luckily I managed to hold back long enough for him to say a few more words and leave. Then again it came. Everytime the same. I wished I was at home, behind the closed doors of my beloved sanctuary, my bed. Then I could cry and bail away till I had nothing left to cry about. But it never happens. When I'm at home, those tears would all dry up. Worst still, even when I'm at home and those tears start forming, I would pull them in again as fast as I could.

And now in the quiet of this classroom, where all my classmates have left and its only me here waiting for the bus, I write this to remind myself that I must be strong. I cannot cry so easily again. Like my classmate said, I have to pull myself together. Now its my final semester. I'm sure its not gonna get any easier in the real world. I really need to get out of this phase fast, cos it would be extra humiliating to be crying all the time at the workplace. Those people out there in this industry would never leave you in peace if this happens even once out there.

Tonight I would go home and cry it all away and let God do the healing. I would let Him replace my insecurities with His love, joy and peace. He said we are more than conquerors, I will claim it and conquer this phase. In Him I shall be strong!

People and manners. They don't come together.
Period..


Even after seeing the bus or train overloaded with people they still want to squeeze their way in. How annoying, this brainless people. I like the guy who shouted "oih! mau orang kat dalam sini mati ke? kita kat dalam ni, diri pun tak boleh, lagi mau masuk?!"

In short, he was scolding those ppl outside the train,cos after seeing the train so packed with people, they still want to push their not-so-little bodies in into the already-worst-than-sardin packed train. Prove is your little writer over here.

I got in the train at Subang. Thanks to the train delay, the amount of people at the station was just overwhelming. So the pushing starts. I could still stand straight when i just got in. There wasn't anywhere to hold, but not that i need them anyway. It was too packed too fall from the sway of the train. Then we came to the next station, and smart peoples still wanted to push their way in. Now I was slightly imbalanced, senget more like. I could hardly stand straight.

At the next station, still some non reasonable people pushed their way in. Needless to say I was pushed even more. I had to hold on to my sister (luckily we could go together today) because i was standing tip toe on one leg and the other leg couldn't even find ground to stand.

By the next station, I slowly started to lose more ground! Now I can't even stand straight at all. With one leg still on tip toe and the other leg not on ground, my body began to curve with all their pushing. I was standing in such an odd manner, if i didn't have my sis to hold on to I would just have fallen and probably be trampled on? Really, what is wrong with people?!

And the train continues on its journey to the next station. By now, I am standing in a 'C' shape. Odd enough? My leg still on tip toe, remember? The other leg, I finally managed to get it to hold some ground. Not fully, just enough to tip toe. Thats all I could push for in that crammed up train.
Weird eh? All because beside me is a bag on the ground, which took up some precious space. After that station, I couldn't stand any longer. All the pushing made me fall... onto the bag. Sorry to the bag owner, I hope there's nothing fragile in it. Its not my fault if there was anyway. Blame those silly people still pushing their butts in.
Well, at least I got a free 'chair' to sit on. Wahahahaha! Of course I tried not to put my whole weight on the bag, I ain't that evil nor desperate for a chair.

Phew! Im just glad that that was the last 2 stops. I came out soon enough and finally could breathe fresh air and feel my feet on the ground once again. What a relieve!

And I told myself, if ever I have to take public transport during peak hours, it won't be the KTM. The pushing and squashing in the bus is still more bearable than the train's. Oh trust me, I've got stories bout beeing squashed in the bus too. Not once, not twice, so many times! But, I shall not make this post any longer. You get the message already!.

Its finally holidays!!!!..yea!!
*see the smile so wide on the stressed filled face with eyes so small decorated with ugly eye bags*

This is (was) my semester 5.

The semester that ended so bad I wished it never started. Yet, I would never trade this semester because I did what i had always dreamed to.

So I'll hope and pray I'd pass.


Semester 5 in a nutshell:-
1) Paroimia took up 3 quarters of my sem, sem 5 would not be sem 5 without it. Meetings after meetings, and my homework fell backward. =)Yet, i absolutely LOVE Paroimia, from the show to the people and the work too!

~Memories from Paroimia 2009~

2) Then semester started in late Feb. We didn't get the lecturer we alllll were looking forward too!!!! *What to do???* yea, we fought but to no avail. (We, meaning 5 of us out of the 24 in the class..hmph!) This col really love to trick us. They promised us a diff lecturer, suppossedly a designer fr Germany who had previously worked with famous designers in NY. But what did she do? eversince she's here, not even 1 person has not been pissed by her. In short, she's just trouble. She never once taught us. Silly us for the fat hopes we had, thinking a European lect with that experience would do us good. Silly us again for thinking that the col ever had its students in mind. We heard they reduced the better lecturer's amount of class for she commanded a higher pay. You see, usually she would teach both semester 5 and 6 for this particular subj. But this time round they only gave her semester 6.....again because they petitioned so much the last sem.

3) A month since she entered, she now shows her colours. What does she want? a Batik fashion show....right smack in the midst of our finals. Doing the batik, draping the cloth, attending her silly meetings which herself never showed up......took so many precious days and weeks of our semester!!! thus many of us were very late in getting our finals approved and done. In the end, after much squabbling and flying spiteful comments, we and our lecturers did the fashion show...without her. The first time, i dare say, the lecturers and students were in unity, in making the show a success.

Draping the 2 m cloth weeks before fashion show



My model wearing my batik.


4) This sem, I also went for my very first fashion show. Not attending as a guest, but helping backstage with a few of my classmates and a few other coursemates form semester 2 and 4. It was AN experience, literally. One we all never want to repeat. We were treated like free slaves, shouted at, scolded, called useless by a model and '...like rats' by that international designer who really have no respect for people. None of us 24 students from my uni wanted to help him. We all stuck to helping Agatha Ruiz de la Prada...the nicer, more respectful designer from Madrid.

5) It was a really busy sem too, both for me and Stef, for we only went lunch 3 or 4 times together. Partly due to the fact our classes time really clashed....she had mainly evening classes, mine was all morning. I misssss you so much gal!! And John.....i only saw you like 3 or 4 times around uni!!!

6)But that proved good for me and my classmates. Since Christina would only come for class after lunch, I became closer to the rest of my classmates. I only regret not knowing them earlier=]
During one of our visual merchandising class...them posing as mannequins=)

7) what else?....at the end of this sem, I will be doing my internship. The college got me Beatrice Looi....so, MOnday's the first day. Looking forward to seeing whats installed for me and my friend there!

8) the other day my bro told my mum that she should graduate with me. lol. All because during this last week since MOnday (the day before my presentation) my mum and the rest of my family too worked tirelessly to help me finish=) Love them too bits..i dunno what I'd do without them.! They slept late nights, especially my mum who had one whole night without sleep too just to help me finish my garments and then having to send me there as well. They had to do my chores for the past 3 weeks cos my mum kindly relinquished all duties of me so i can concentrate on finishing. On top of that, I made them help me do anything I thought they could handle like pleating cloth, marking with chalk, painting one of my fabrics ( we had to use batik for our final), putting silicate solution all over the fabric....anything! So funny, my dad was so worried he wondered if i needed to send my garment to the tailor!.

9) oh and guess what? I forgot to take photo of my models wearing my garments again!=) so till i steal those pics of the col photographers hands....no photos for you..haha. the sad thing is, i only managed to finish 2 garments out of 3 in time for the presentation....with no boards i entered into that torture room. Obviously, he (my lect) scolded me...ish so memalukan..dahlah the models there. I really abslutely hope to passsss and not lose my scholarship! Christina and Stef can pleaase kick me to work faster next sem!!!


*sorry, all unedited photos cos i just started my hols. I shall learn how to edit photos soon.

9PM, Tuesday, 10th Feb: The Day Aussie Won

To:

You.
You that I've known for so long
the right question should be 'When did I not know you?'

Though we seldom shared secrets,
Though we seldom called or messaged,
Though we seldom hanged out;

The times we did chat, however general the topics may seem
I always felt blessed I had you as my friend,
The times we called frantically wanting to know if you'd be going
or persuading one another to go,
cos we both never wanted to be alone,
The times we went out, be it just us or
with the parents or the groups that brought us together
All our funny silly moments,
remember when we couldn't move our boat in Malacca,we had to be pulled?
remember the karaoke session, and that miserable meal?
remember that shopping where we both bought 2 same tops?

It makes me smile to know I could pop in your house anytime,
the time we stayed so near.
But then you shifted and i missed the random popping in,
though through the years it had become less frequent.
Then one morning, I woke up to hear you downstairs,
Surprised I was, but equally happy too.
That one morning became many mornings and afternoons and nights.
My house now became a familiar place
you could hang out while waiting.

When you told me your plans to go abroad
I secretly wished you wouldn't.
But then again, what kinda friend is a selfish one?
So I relented and thanked God for internet.

Though 3 hours is a quite a difference,
We'll still meet.
I'll come earlier, you'll stay a lil bit later.
I guess we can't take this friendship for granted any longer.
Its time we put in a little more effort and
make the friendship all the more worth cherishing.
(Not that it isn't now=])

Here's a toast to You while you're over there.
Cheers to our friendship,
Cheers to a new chapter in your life,
Cheers to waiting to see you in Dec!!

I found an old band i loved so much!!!! It was a song tape given to me by a friend in primary sch..haha shows how old this is. And recently the only tape player left i have spoiled. argh!!!!!
So when i found this on you tube....and this is the only song from this band i've found so far.... i was happpppppy=) Now, i've just gotta find a way to save it into an mp3 or wma format.

p/s: anyone who has any song from this band..i want i want!!!!! hahaha

Brother's Keeper: I Saw Heaven

Counted amongst them guys

Now,
what if you were a girl, but always mistakenly counted as one of the other gender? Yes, the guys.
hmmmhh..........

That is exactly what happens to my youngest sister A-L-L the time!
because she is the youngest she's got no bed of her own in the 'girls' room.
because she is the youngest she had to share the room with the boys.
because she is the youngest and born after 2 boys she always plays with them boys.

And because of that, many times when we call "Boys!", we mean her too.
Unintentionally, yes. For convenience, maybe. =]

Today I drove all the way back from KLIA. My first time driving on a highway! I drove at 60km/hr, touched 80km/hr twice on a 90km/hr highway and at certain turnings dipped to 20km/hr! LOL I must certainly be a tortoise on the road that the PLUS Ronda truck travelled behind me for quite a stretch to make sure I would be fine.=)
I was at first wondering what could be wrong with the driver of this yellow truck behind me, for he did not overtake or switch lanes like just about everyone else who were behind me at first. Later only did my mum tell me that it was the PLUS Ronda team making sure I'm safe enough.
I thank God no one honked me, for I would have panicked and consented to drive at 90 and forgo my sense of control. Thank goodness too KLIA is near my Uni so once we got out of the airport area, we were on almost- familiar grounds. Almost, because if you ask me now to draw the road map for you I would probably miss out a few turns here and there. I know better if we were on the road itself.

I must have been a nuisance to others, but pardon me it was my very first time, and I'm of course afraid that If I went too fast I wouldn't be able to control well. So bear with it people who drive at 100+ on a 90km/hr freeway, you were once like me too!

Going out with friends you've known since ages ago really does wonders to your soul.
it turns a frown into a smile,
brightens up your moody week,
and
brings back those memories
you never want to forget.



i love you girls! too bad San couldn't make it=(
Though we seldom meet, that laughter, the way you talk, your clumsiness (LOL!) ...it's like we never left school!!
Though the 2 of you seemed to be bantering medical terms back and forth, exchanging experiences and making me confused, haha, I, surprisingly didn't feel left out at all. So funny. Guess we just haven't met up for so long (1 1/2 years, Wai Ying!) that our differences didn't matter anymore, just as long as we had that few hours together chatting and recollecting memories and trying to guess what happened to the rest of our classmates.

What's better than turning 21?

Turning 21 and Getting Married the same year too!

While all the past times i have been to weddings, it was either and aunty or uncle's, or the child of my parent's friend (which i don't know, usually), these time around, it's the wedding of my own friends! People i actually know and have spoken to. That makes the event even more special to me.

Last Friday i attended the wedding reception of a friend i sadly never really gotten to know well enough. We did talk, little though and usually the casual questions about studies and life in general. I guess having different cliques, that were really opposites, amongst a great sea of peers all these years didn't do us any good. Her actual wedding date was in December last year , so technically she did get married at 21. Yes, she is MY AGE!

Wonderful isn't it to make that all important decision at a considerably young age? I really admire them for their decision

So, to the newly wedded couple, may 2009 be especially special for you both as you embark on a new journey. Congratulations and may God bless you two as you step into a new phase in life together!

I wish i could hug you each time you call me,
each time your sobs drown your voice
and all i can hear is the sorrow background
of pain, and hurt, and questions unanswered.

2 years ago i thought i was watching a Bollywood drama,
as your life unraveled it was just so unbelievably stage like
your drama-filled life, the endless troubles you ran into,
so hilarious and frustrating,
how it always came back to that same point,
yet you never listened when we told you so.

Maybe if you persevered long enough you would see
that glimmer of hope at the end of this long, dark tunnel?
maybe if you would hold on and hang on and never let go
you would see the wonderful plan He mapped out for you long before you existed?

Maybe if you would pray a little harder, trust a little more and doubt a little less
maybe if you would allow yourself to breathe again, and live life again.

There must be more to your life than these,
oh Lord, put the smile back on her face again
and the laughter back in her voice again!


And remember:
WE will always be here for you.

HELP! Tell me I'm not emotionless

Even if i barely laugh at your jokes
Even if your incessant laughter fails to infect me
Even if your shocking news causes me to only say "oo",
Even if after you've poured your heart out and all i could muster is a weak smile.

I wanted to hug you, but i dared not.
I wanted to laugh out loud, but i just could not.
I wanted to tell you what i thought of it, but i was afraid.
I wanted so much to be that pillar of strength you so needed then, but i just lost all words,
I was blank, once again.

I can't help but notice how emotionless i have become over the past few years. Read me right, I am NOT totally emotionless, just maybe emotionless to some, full of emotion to others? Sound's like my emotions have moods too. Funny thing, but to some people, its almost impossible to allow my true emotions to show, even to hug them feels weird. But to selected few, its just so natural, i'm probably only my truest then.

Sometimes theres so much going through my mind, but i just don't know where to start, i don't know how to tell you. Sometimes i don't even know if i want to tell you. I feel so bad for not sharing my opinions, but i go blank so often, its not that i don't want to but rather i can't. Makes me feel utterly useless, its like my very existence there is as good as invisible. I hate disappointing you, yet its so hard not too. I keep feeling so incompetent , you probably already thought of it before i even said anything.

Yet, know that i truly cherish you. I wouldn't trade anything for you, the friendship you gave me is what i look forward to everyday. Even though my expressions betray my emotions most of the time, know that deep inside i really want to
laugh aloud at your antics and jokes
hug you tightly and tell you how much i care
point out what i thought was weird
and let you in on my deepest secrets.

Tell me again that i'm not emotionless. I only hide my emotions really well, because being vulnerable is like having the 3 football fields thick wall around you suddenly smashed.

You know whats hard when doing a tag?....its the caption and reasoning part. The tag is usually relatively easy, especially the one below. But to reason when the results are just so absolutely silly and have nothing to do with the question..hmph, thats the difficult part. And theres the part where the answers' scream your true feelings....don't you just feel like fabricating those results to save yourslf from the interrogations later on? heheheh

tagged by Aaron:

Put your iTunes/any other players on shuffle.
II. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
III. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
IV. Tag 11 friends who might enjoy doing this.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Er Zuo Ju (prank)

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
bu neng geng ni fen shou (can't stand breaking up with you)-----?????

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
here in my home ----aiyor, sound so wrong!

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
carry you home----huh?

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
someday i will understand----yer so depressing wan.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
ultimate you----hmh, being true to oneself, maybe?

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
better than me----wahahahha

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
enchanted: thats how you know .....lol. i don't know.

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
too little to late-----sigh, regrets...ain't it disheartening?

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
run into your arms-----i.am.speechless.

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
the potential break up song----ouch, that really HURTS!!

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
i think i love you---at least got berkaitan with the question.

13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
SMS----i like to sms a lot?...true also

14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
hoy me voy .........erm, i don't even know what it means.

15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
shut up and drive ...ahahahha, shut up n drive safely to the funeral parlour!

16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
goodbye's the saddest word-----wouldn't it be better if these was (15)'s answer?..hmph

17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
pokarekare ana

18. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
wo men zhen me le ......aduh, why does all my answers bend towards the negative??!

19. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
first love

20. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
sidewalks-----ouch this is sad!

21. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
too much to ask----yea, private question. LOL

22. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
autumn in my heart...HUH?

23. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
savages---hahahahaha

24. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
keep holding on---awwww


LOL my results are just so freaking silly, not to mention so tak berkaitan!

People I'd like to tag (In no order of preference ) :
1) aiyor
2) whoever
3) feels
4) that
5) urge
6) to
7) do
8) this
9) interestingly
10) lame
11) tag.

SO you go blog hopping? I do to. In fact I think its a very exciting pastime, good or bad, it depends. If you have assignments and you're blog hopping then, nay, it ain't good. But if you happen to be very, absolutely free, then by all means=)

Why do I think its really exciting? Because I always stumble upon interesting reads, thought-provoking posts, inspiring works or glimpses of friends I haven't heard from for ages! Remember those 'kotak hitam' experiments we use to do in school? Blog hopping to me is like when you put your hand in that tiny hole at the top of the box, then you wiggle your way around trying to guess whats in it, and it usually turns out differently. It's like > *SURPRISE*< at the end of the hopping.

So nosy. Me ? Not that I'm a busy body, I'm not interested at what you've been up to (if you're not my friend), I just like looking for good reads, good pictures and ideas. And, hey, you put that blog up here, its not surprising if I stumble upon it, right am i?

Anyway, its funny how I go to peoples blogs and find out things I never knew, even if I sort-of-knew them for as long as I was in school. Back then, the only conversations we exchanged would be the occasional 'hi!', or the 'could you pick my pen for me please?' and neither would say anymore. Funny. Pathetic.

Then I go on further, and I discover they, who hardly spoke to one another then, whom no one would have guessed they would be at the same place, save at school; now in the same picture, posing with friends whom I know not. No, it wasn't a class picture of any sort. It was at an event that has nothing to do with college. So, they had something in common after all!

I look at the friends list, and pick out a name or two that I think I might know. Sometimes I guess right, sometimes it turns out to be a completely different person, sometimes its people I don't know after all. But even at these certain person I-do-not-know's blog, I find out he/she and I have a common friend! Small world right?

Lemme tell you again....blog hopping IS fun! Just know when to and when not. Self-discipline people! Me is still learning that;)

I cannot understand how one can say they love their current other half, yet cannot see marriage with that person even after dating for quite awhile. If you don't really think you'll marry them, it implies that you'd probably eventually break up, no? And we all know that break ups causes heartaches, emotional pain and such. Yeah, you say you'll get over it eventually......REALLY? completely? think harder.

So, if you know you're gonna get wounded when it ends...why continue on with this 'temporary relationship'? why get together in the first place? why?.....to enjoy the moment then get yourself hurt after that? then bring that emotional baggage into your (probable) eventual marriage (to someone else, perhaps)?