Pain like a hundred thorns tearing through my heart. Can you feel it like I do?
Feeling it again. Pain ripping through my bones, cold chills crippling my heart.
Tell me if life still doesn't suck?
My heart can't be still,
My mind can't stop worrying,
All this nightmare,
Robbing me of peace.
My imagination runs wild,
With fear of the future and death.
I fear life after letting you go,
But my conscience can't stay longer.
But I fear people,
And what they can do.
I fear loneliness and shame,
And the life both can destroy.
Refusing to think about a problem is not the solution. That is ignoring the problem.
Convincing yourself that life is not worth spending time thinking about a problem, is not self help. That is plainly avoiding the problem. Problems are meant to be solved head on, that is the only way to overcome it.
Will you overcome the problem?
Or will the problem take you under?
The pain that I feel, wrenches my heart. Crushing my heart so hard, I feel a hollowness that makes breathing nearly impossible. I feel the pain stinging my bone, a strange chill traveling down my arm. So I curl my fingers to contain the pain. But it won't go. The pain wont leave. And tears keep streaming down my face. Then I feel the wretched pain again and the cycle repeats itself.
I don't want to be your armcandy. I don't want to be your next option. I don't want to be in your thoughts only when things go bad. I am not longing just for temporary pleasure, I want to know more of you. I want to understand to you well and I want to you to understand me so well too. I don't want sugar coated empty talk, I want the cold, harsh truth. I don't want to be left out of problems, I want to face it with you. Even if all I can do is hug and encourage you.
I am afraid. Afraid of death. Afraid of the afterlife. Afraid of going to hell. Afraid of torture. Afraid of pain. Afraid of the punishment for sin.
Yet I am afraid of losing you. Afraid to be hated by you. Afraid to be your disappointment. Afraid to be a stranger to you.
What have i become? Since when did I become this way? Why should I be afraid of losing you? Is this all worth it?
I love your kind heart and sense of responsibility. I love to see the smile on your face although sometimes I feel it's fake. I admire how it's so easy for you to talk to anyone sometimes I think you would make a very successful sales person. I love how protective you are towards me. I love how thoughtful and selfless you are, but i wish you would learn to love yourself more sometimes. I love how you naturally take the lead, but gently coach me when I needed a little help. I love how you always think of me and would make sure I'm ok, even making sure I do not do anything I'll regret in future even if it means a sacrifice on your part. I would really love to see you express more of yourself though. I want to know what makes you tick? What makes you feel alive? What lifts you up? What would make you crumble?
I would be lying if i said I am ok. That i have gotten over it and life can go on as usual.
No, it is not ok.
I will forever be on the lookout in case they appear from the darkness again. I will start telling us to leave earlier so we would less be in risk of meeting those money-hungry uniformed thugs. I will start being cautious of when or where we stop to be alone together. At least for now.
Please bear with me in these moments. I may shed a little tear or more without notice. I may try to push you away if anyone is near. I may cut short our time without reason. But please bear with me.
Do you know how much I agonise just waiting for you to answer my texts? Why do you take so long to reply? What are you doing? What are you busy with? What are you thinking about? Who are you with? Why do you not check your phone??????!!!!
Days are so long without your messages, and nights are so short when you start replying me. This is insane and driving me crazy!
Are you OK? Are you hurt? Are you fighting? Are you sleeping? Are you still alive???!!
Tell me please. Please reply me.....NOW!
I don't know if I love him deeply. I wish for him to satisfy my flesh. I wish to satisfy his craving. But i know I will regret it.
Has it become an addiction? It definitely is. It is the silent killer of relationships. It is the secret voice that calls out to me every night, and I am hooked. It's got me in its talons and keeps me wanting more every night. It constantly teases and opens the secret door of desire and makes me crave more than just watching people on the screen.
It slowly alters your normal. It opens me to the doors of my doom. There are many ways in, and only 1 way out. That way out isn't obscure, but is difficult to reach. The way out demands death to desire. But when you're trapped in its many talons, it takes more than willpower to say no to its temptations.
Feeling like a hypocrite. What is the point of hearing when I will not listen? What is the point of listening if I will not obey?
I cannot worship because I feel guilty. I feel undeserving of being in His presence, and I am. I feel scared like He might strike me with lightning, or that someone else may uncover my secret deeds. I cannot pray because there's sin in me and I know it very well. And I know the answer to all these is to let him go, but I stubbornly refuse. I've fallen to deep and given so intimately, I want him. I wish He would let this dreams take place, but deep down I know it won't. Because if the best for me would destroy another persons life, it can't be the best for me. I've heard it said, he's a distraction, and I knew it was true.
The question is, do I want to meet Him?
Trust That If We're Meant For Each Other God Will Make It Happen
I don’t know who you are. I probably haven’t met you yet, or if I have, you probably didn’t recognize me. If by any chance you come across this letter, I want to let you know that if you are waiting, you are not waiting alone.
I have been dreaming of you since my youth and I am still dreaming of you now that I have grown to become a lady. All those years, the world out there has been trying to entice me with its fleeting and temporary pleasures, but I have shied away from its ploys for I was thinking of you, I was thinking of us – I want to offer you the best of all that I am – including my past. I want to keep myself pure for you and for the God we both serve, who calls our bodies the “temple of His Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19).
In my youth I have asked God to enable me to remain single until He brings you to me – my first, my last, my one and only. A decade has passed since I prayed that prayer, and not a single piece of my heart regrets receiving what I asked for, even if it was difficult, even if it was unpopular, even if it came with a price.
I have constantly been told that it was too much, that it was unfair and that you don’t deserve it. They said it was too much because it’s okay to be involved with men, give my heart away and learn from every experience. After all, every experience will help me be a better person. And by the time you come, I won’t be making the same mistakes I have made with other guys before you. I was told it was unfair and that you don’t deserve it. Because as I wait, you could very well be dating every girl you are interested in, you may have given away your purity a long time ago, and you may end up seeing me as someone too naive, old-fashioned and inexperienced.
But I have deafened my ears from these voices for this is my way of showing you that I truly love you and I have loved you even before we meet. And even if I am ridiculed and mocked for being single up to now because of these personal convictions, this is my way of honoring you. Despite what these voices say, I want to believe in you. I want to believe that you are worth my waiting and my sacrifices.
And if somehow these voices may be true, that the price I paid is too high for someone as imperfect as you are, know that I will never detest you. In fact, I expect you to be imperfect. For if you have surrendered your life to Christ and are truly God’s will for me, then you are “good, pleasing and perfect” (Romans 12:12) for me in spite of all your flaws and imperfections. Your imperfections make room for me to grow to love you more. For it is in these imperfections that I can truly exemplify how it is to love you unconditionally as I was first loved by Jesus (1 John 4:9).
If by any chance I have already met you and it was I who failed to notice you, please stop trying to be someone else to make me fall for you. I won’t fall for you by the way you look. I won’t fall for you by the strength of your arms. I won’t fall for you by sweet words coming out of your lips. I will fall for the man you truly are.
For when you age and your hair turns grey, and you become an old man with a wrinkled face, the strength of your arms fades and your voice becomes too weak to be heard, I will stay in love with you for the man that you are – for your gentleness of spirit, strength of character, meekness of heart. Words need not be spoken, for I will stay in love with you beyond words.
If somehow you decide to pursue me and I fail to notice you at all, trust that if you are for me, He will turn my heart to you and give me a love for you when the right time comes. If it looks like I have closed my door and coming into my life may seem so difficult, know that I have kept it that way because I want to protect you, I want to protect us.
Winter is coming and you may begin to feel the cold. But I hope that somehow, you may also feel the warmth of my love for you – a love that has been, a love that is, a love that will keep waiting for you. And when your nights are cold and your days are empty, when loneliness is the thief that tries to steal your joy, I pray that you may find strength and satisfaction in Christ’s love, who makes all things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
I wish I knew how many more years… I wish I knew how many more tears… But I know none of these things except this truth – that “He who promised is faithful” (Hebrews 10:23).
You know how difficult this is God. Why does it have to be so?