Wow! its been months. And to be blogging about what i'm about to write, right here, right now.....I never thought i'd had the courage to let this come online where just about anyone who may stumble on this blog would read my embarassing moments, but I just had to. Just had to let go, let myself release those pent up emotions, and remind myself that today i promised myself I WILL BE STRONG.

I hardly understand why but everytime in this class, i would shed tears. Any little shelling, or just a little questioning I would tear. Bucketsfull if I don't pull it all in again. Is it the stress? Is it the frustratation? Is it fear? I don't know. For the past year, almost every week, this would be the case. Embarassing aint it? If my classmates were to be talking about it, I wouldn't ever want to know too. But they sure have been nice, comforting me and telling me its ok, its normal, that they too cry buckets...just at home.

Its not that i want to cry out here in public. If I could control those tears I'd never ever shed a tear where anyone could see me. I hate to cry. It makes me feel like a weakling. Probably its 'cos Im already small in stature that I like to feel strong. Little things like not being sick in the past few years despite all the irregularmy sleeping hours is some sort of an accomplishment to me.

So today wasn't any different. All it took was a little remark, not meant to hurt. All he said was that I should've come earlier to see him, cos I always came at the last minute and I could feel those hot tears pushing out of my eyes. Luckily I managed to hold back long enough for him to say a few more words and leave. Then again it came. Everytime the same. I wished I was at home, behind the closed doors of my beloved sanctuary, my bed. Then I could cry and bail away till I had nothing left to cry about. But it never happens. When I'm at home, those tears would all dry up. Worst still, even when I'm at home and those tears start forming, I would pull them in again as fast as I could.

And now in the quiet of this classroom, where all my classmates have left and its only me here waiting for the bus, I write this to remind myself that I must be strong. I cannot cry so easily again. Like my classmate said, I have to pull myself together. Now its my final semester. I'm sure its not gonna get any easier in the real world. I really need to get out of this phase fast, cos it would be extra humiliating to be crying all the time at the workplace. Those people out there in this industry would never leave you in peace if this happens even once out there.

Tonight I would go home and cry it all away and let God do the healing. I would let Him replace my insecurities with His love, joy and peace. He said we are more than conquerors, I will claim it and conquer this phase. In Him I shall be strong!