Some people lose their other half, some people find their soul mate.
Some people leave for greener grass, others come to take their place.
Some people fight, some people find it hard to mend.
Some people lose their reason to live, some are still searching for a meaning to existence.
And I, I'm just waiting. Waiting for the next wave that would change my normal, once again.
Felt the pain ravish my heart, again.
Felt it hard, pain and eerily cold.
Felt the tears swell in my eyes.
Felt it roll down my cheeks, uncontrolled.
At all the wrong times.
As usual.
Then I wanted to release those pent up tears
In my bathroom,
In the peacefulness of the warm shower
But it just won't flow.
As usual.
I am thankful you postponed your plans to be with me when you know I needed it.
I wanted to press my head into the warmth of your chest.
I wanted to feel secure in your arms.
But alas, I can only be grateful for that little touch.
Better than nothing, no?
Kill me now.
Are you just so insensitive?
Or are you just totally unromantic?
Or am I just for when it's convenient?
And then not worth even 10 minutes.
Have I become irrational?
A control freak? A crazy dominatrix?
A desperate soul?
A clingy maniac?
No, scrap this. I deserve better.
❤🗡👧🔫💣⚘☗
Pain like a hundred thorns tearing through my heart. Can you feel it like I do?
Feeling it again. Pain ripping through my bones, cold chills crippling my heart.
Tell me if life still doesn't suck?
My heart can't be still,
My mind can't stop worrying,
All this nightmare,
Robbing me of peace.
My imagination runs wild,
With fear of the future and death.
I fear life after letting you go,
But my conscience can't stay longer.
But I fear people,
And what they can do.
I fear loneliness and shame,
And the life both can destroy.
Refusing to think about a problem is not the solution. That is ignoring the problem.
Convincing yourself that life is not worth spending time thinking about a problem, is not self help. That is plainly avoiding the problem. Problems are meant to be solved head on, that is the only way to overcome it.
Will you overcome the problem?
Or will the problem take you under?
The pain that I feel, wrenches my heart. Crushing my heart so hard, I feel a hollowness that makes breathing nearly impossible. I feel the pain stinging my bone, a strange chill traveling down my arm. So I curl my fingers to contain the pain. But it won't go. The pain wont leave. And tears keep streaming down my face. Then I feel the wretched pain again and the cycle repeats itself.
Is it so hard to pick up your phone and text me?! Is it so hard to bring ur power bank along?!
I don't want to be your armcandy. I don't want to be your next option. I don't want to be in your thoughts only when things go bad. I am not longing just for temporary pleasure, I want to know more of you. I want to understand to you well and I want to you to understand me so well too. I don't want sugar coated empty talk, I want the cold, harsh truth. I don't want to be left out of problems, I want to face it with you. Even if all I can do is hug and encourage you.
I am afraid. Afraid of death. Afraid of the afterlife. Afraid of going to hell. Afraid of torture. Afraid of pain. Afraid of the punishment for sin.
Yet I am afraid of losing you. Afraid to be hated by you. Afraid to be your disappointment. Afraid to be a stranger to you.
What have i become? Since when did I become this way? Why should I be afraid of losing you? Is this all worth it?
I love your kind heart and sense of responsibility. I love to see the smile on your face although sometimes I feel it's fake. I admire how it's so easy for you to talk to anyone sometimes I think you would make a very successful sales person. I love how protective you are towards me. I love how thoughtful and selfless you are, but i wish you would learn to love yourself more sometimes. I love how you naturally take the lead, but gently coach me when I needed a little help. I love how you always think of me and would make sure I'm ok, even making sure I do not do anything I'll regret in future even if it means a sacrifice on your part. I would really love to see you express more of yourself though. I want to know what makes you tick? What makes you feel alive? What lifts you up? What would make you crumble?
I would be lying if i said I am ok. That i have gotten over it and life can go on as usual.
No, it is not ok.
I will forever be on the lookout in case they appear from the darkness again. I will start telling us to leave earlier so we would less be in risk of meeting those money-hungry uniformed thugs. I will start being cautious of when or where we stop to be alone together. At least for now.
Please bear with me in these moments. I may shed a little tear or more without notice. I may try to push you away if anyone is near. I may cut short our time without reason. But please bear with me.
Do you know how much I agonise just waiting for you to answer my texts? Why do you take so long to reply? What are you doing? What are you busy with? What are you thinking about? Who are you with? Why do you not check your phone??????!!!!
Days are so long without your messages, and nights are so short when you start replying me. This is insane and driving me crazy!
Are you OK? Are you hurt? Are you fighting? Are you sleeping? Are you still alive???!!
Tell me please. Please reply me.....NOW!
I don't know if I love him deeply. I wish for him to satisfy my flesh. I wish to satisfy his craving. But i know I will regret it.
Has it become an addiction? It definitely is. It is the silent killer of relationships. It is the secret voice that calls out to me every night, and I am hooked. It's got me in its talons and keeps me wanting more every night. It constantly teases and opens the secret door of desire and makes me crave more than just watching people on the screen.
It slowly alters your normal. It opens me to the doors of my doom. There are many ways in, and only 1 way out. That way out isn't obscure, but is difficult to reach. The way out demands death to desire. But when you're trapped in its many talons, it takes more than willpower to say no to its temptations.
Feeling like a hypocrite. What is the point of hearing when I will not listen? What is the point of listening if I will not obey?
I cannot worship because I feel guilty. I feel undeserving of being in His presence, and I am. I feel scared like He might strike me with lightning, or that someone else may uncover my secret deeds. I cannot pray because there's sin in me and I know it very well. And I know the answer to all these is to let him go, but I stubbornly refuse. I've fallen to deep and given so intimately, I want him. I wish He would let this dreams take place, but deep down I know it won't. Because if the best for me would destroy another persons life, it can't be the best for me. I've heard it said, he's a distraction, and I knew it was true.
The question is, do I want to meet Him?
What is your character? What is unique to you? What are you so passionate about that when people look at you, they immediately associate you with your passion?
Tell me, is this not the greatest tragedy?! To be able to touch you, but not able to hold you tight. To be able to see you, but not able to call you mine. Perhaps not now, perhaps never.
Cry all you want, but don't drown in those tears. Scream all you want, but don't close your ears.
Live well my dear, and remember him through the years.
