I want to see you. But do you want to see me?

Feeling like a hypocrite. What is the point of hearing when I will not listen? What is the point of listening if I will not obey?

I cannot worship because I feel guilty. I feel undeserving of being in His presence, and I am. I feel scared like He might strike me with lightning, or that someone else may uncover my secret deeds. I cannot pray because there's sin in me and I know it very well. And I know the answer to all these is to let him go, but I stubbornly refuse. I've fallen to deep and given so intimately, I want him. I wish He would let this dreams take place, but deep down I know it won't. Because if the best for me would destroy another persons life, it can't be the best for me. I've heard it said, he's a distraction, and I knew it was true.
The question is, do I want to meet Him?