Waking up to the sound of bells

Having a primary school somewhere on the right and a secondary school on the left is really no fun! As if the Singapore sun rising at 7am is not early enough, the school bells ring, songs blare fr the speakers and the principal trying to quieten his students should be enough to wake anyone up. Not to mention its a HDB flat. Meaning, there's just so much motion and noise you should just wake up though back at home this is WAY TOO EARLY.

I think I see my parents smiling (...if they ever read this). Over here, house rules is to not sleep so late. Late, meaning 11pm. And to not wake up so late, meaning 9am max. But thats ok, the waking up I mean. With school bells and songs blaring, drilling and wedding gongs, I can't possibly sleep any longer. But sleeping early?!..hmm, that's been a bit difficult. I feel like I have not done much work. Everyday I feel like I could have done more if I could just cut back on sleeping time, then I would be pretty much on time to hand in well done assignments.

The standard here is really high! If you thought doing a comparison assignment was just a table, pictures and pointform thing, you're way way wrong!. One of my class mate made it to look like a magazine spread, even the cover was like a magazine cover! Another made it like a story, like comparing is 2 friends wardrobe. Mind you, we weren't told to do it that way, we were just told to compare. Talk about kiasu!

Home is where the heart is

Hello there! Its been 1 month since I left my beloved home. Truly, home is where the heart is. The place where I had a somewhere to call my own, the room door I could lock if I wanted to hide myself away, the study room I could stay awake past 3am just so I could try to finish assignments, the washing machine I could throw everything in so I won't have to spend time hand washing everything!

There is really so much to miss, I can't possibly list it here, I'll just bore you to sleep! So many things I never cared about that suddenly seem like haven to have them now. Cue, the washing machine!

When life throws you lemons, what do you do? Make lemonade, eh?
"But I don't like sour!", you say. Deal with it! You can't always have sweet, you'll just kill yourself slowly.

So life don't always provide you with everything you want the way you want it. But hey, if life here was perfect we won't need heaven anymore!

I've learned that we can't always have everything our way. We can't expect things to be the same everywhere. We've just got to learn to be flexible, but not too much though.


So the next time life throws you lemons, make lemonade and sprinkle with a little sugar.

{Death: I'm sure we all know what this is, no need for definitions }

{Morbid: according to Wikipedia, it is a diseased state, poor health or disability}

{Taboo: strong social prohibition}

And for as long as life has been,
Death=Morbid=Taboo

We shy away from the topic of death.
We shudder at the thought of it.
At the mention of death, a chill is sent down our spine.

And Death is followed by Memories. Good, bad, forgettable?.......take your pick.

Up to 10 years ago, memories of the dead would pretty much, only be read out during private memorials, maybe shared with the 'next generations', and thats about it. Even if the Late was an evil, hardly many would know.
But today, there's facebook, and twitter and blogs and whatever web based applications. The comments would be all across the world in seconds!

How would you like your memorial to sound like? What last comments would you like the world to see on your page?

Today, 18th June 2010 @ 3.2o pm

At the roadside stall, the pak cik exclaimed loudly that yet another accident took one too many lives from the same family. I didn't much think of it. After all, there's just too many accidents happening every day!

After cg, on the way home @10+ pm

A friend was commenting about the same accident. The world became smaller, or so it seemed. It was his friend's, friend's family.

After cg, at home on facebook@ 11pm

A friends page. The same accident. But this time, time seemed to skip a beat. The world is brought even closer. My good friend lost his friend. God brought him Home.

A moment later,

Another friend's page. Again the same accident. Now my world seems to have shrunk so small, how did God put so many people I know, to know that same family, or specifically that one person? If the heart had a trigger button, someone had set it to trigger the crash button right about now.
I didn't need to know the person to feel this way. Just the fact that many of my friends lost their friend is enough to make me sad. The biggest impact probably had to be that my friend, whom I'd gotten to know better during form 6 years, SHE, lost the shoulder she could cry on, lost the hug she could receive, lost the warmth of love she gave and received.

To you my dear friend, be strong, be very strong. He would have wanted that of you too. And know that even if we do not know why it happened, God did not cause it. But HE allowed it and HE knows what HE's allowing. There is a reason for everything, one day HE would make it known to us too.

Don't give up on life, don't give up on God!

Praise the Lord because my God answer's prayers!

Now I know pure JOY!
**************************************
The months of praying,
The buckets of tears.

The crushing thoughts,
Self condemnation.

**************************************
Really, I am my worst critic. Most of us are ain't it so? From the moment I answered the first question during the interview, my critic-self was telling me 'great, you're doomed! you're so not gonna pass this'. Obviously I didn't do that well during interview. I mostly couldn't answer the question, and gave little 'smart' answers that really just showed them lecturers that I'm probably one of those with a hollow head who thinks they're the best anyway. (eg. dumb blondes, or in this case just another dumb black) They asked me why I wanted to do this course? I didn't know why. All the time I've been thinking while preparing for the interview, I couldn't answer that too.

Then the months of waiting, thus my previous posts. Wait, wait and wait some more. All the 'what're you doing now?/ i thought you wanted to do this?/eh, i heard you're gonna go somewhere?'. Definitely not helping either. I know, I don't blame anyone. Just curiosity, after all its not that I see them everyday.
But waiting really is torture!...With each passing day I wake up and contemplate to pursue or to give up. Should I continue studying? Should I just get a job? What if I'm not accepted there? Would I want to do another 2 and a half long years? Should I give up? Should I pray harder?
I should pray harder.

And so I did. And cried a lot too. Ok make that I wanted much to lock myself in the room till I get the reply I wanted to hear, because tears just wanted to flood my eyes everytime i thought of it. Which is all the time, unless I was doing something else, which coincidentally, is hardly. But because I hate to be seen crying by anyone even my family members, I would swallow back those tears before it could leak out the corners of my eyes.

Alas I finally received what I've been praying for! The next chapter of my life, in Singapore=)

Its 6 months down the road. All direction you ever thought you had has been washed away by storms of worry, your little pebble markers scattered by ambiguous winds. That dream you once harboured?..See it shatter, splinter, strayed to every corner of the never ending maze. There's still a piece you hold, afraid to let it go, as though your very life depended on that tiny puzzle piece.

But the weight of the piece, it makes you crumble slowly. It hinders your move at every step. It takes the light out of the day and the stars out of the night. Or maybe thats what you've allowed it to do.

Still, that piece has been a tiny glint of Hope you've been clinging on to ever since you started this journey. Should you hold on? or is it time to let it go?

How do you glimpse light in this blinding darkness?
How do you journey on without answers?
and yet hope to be found on the right track.

Another day passes
I'm still looking,
Still walking,
Still thinking,
Still wondering.

Would it just be a dream?
A dream...
Cooked to perfection in a silver pot,
Served on a diamond platter,
Laced with gold.

I wish it was just round the corner,
I'd stretch my hands,
And there it'll be,
On the palm of my hand,
For all to see.

But reality hits,
The dream's now but a blur.
Moving further,
Fading.

I don't know it anymore.

Its the time of the year once again where Easter eggs are painted, Easter bunnies hop around and the holidays....for those lucky few. Then there's Good Friday, where Christ journey to the Cross is often enacted in plays everywhere. And tomorrow.. (wait, its already tmr=]) is Easter.
Today Christ arose again, and the sun is shining once again! And I say this because, I have noticed that every time its Good Friday, it always rains and many people have this sombre face plastered on.

But put the holidays and bunnies and eggs aside, what is Good Friday and Easter after all? After all the plays and stories replayed year after year, its quite hard not to know that Good Friday and Easter is all about the crucifixion of this one Man, Jesus Christ and His rising from the dead. All the pain and suffering just so our ancestors, us and the generations after us wouldn't have to die on the cross at the end of time. But why?

I often wondered. Jesus Christ; He was 100% human on this earth, yet He was also 100% God at the same time.
Why would He who knew all things beforehand, choose Judas as one of the Twelve disciples? Why would He allow his betrayer to be by His side when He knew what kind of death He would eventually go through?
Why give up His crown, His position, His glory and all of Heaven's beauty to come down to this earth, all of its filth, embrace the life of mankind, the growing up, the working and worst of all, the most painful death when He did absolutely NO wrong?

Today, I know why. Love is one, yes the greatest. I knew that long ago, but I still questioned why. As I wondered why I did not feel the sombreness of the season, I read again the chapters of His crucifixion and rising, 'cos really, there must be something wrong with me for not understanding the depth of this greatest sacrifice. Why would this Man who did no wrong, whom I have not seen with me physical eyes, is willing to take up that cross??? O.B.E.D.I.E.N.C.E

Thats it! Obedience. If you loved with all of your everything, your father, you would want to obey him as best as you can, won't you? If you loved your girl/boyfriend or your husband/wife..you would want to fulfill all their wishes even if it sounded crazy, won't you?

And obedience lead Him to the way of sorrows, all the way to the Cross. Being fully human then, he agonised. He felt the pain even before the questioning began. He sweat blood and cried to the Father to take the cup (the suffering/cross/ death by crucifixion) away from Him, but He ended the prayer with..."..but I want Your will, not mine."

Imagine this: What if Jesus said this instead "..you know what, this is my life, my body. Why should I suffer for these people's sins? They are the ones who commited those sins..liars, cheats, polygamist, murderers, evil masterminds, adulterers, gossip queens...........
Then,
there would not have been victory over death,
there would not have been victory over sickness,
and we would all need to die on the cross too when our time came!

Obedience really is never easy. But without obedience there is no victory. Jesus obeyed though it meant He did not have freedom over his body, He obeyed though he would have to be humiliated, He obeyed all the way.

Obedience is a choice, Jesus chose obedience and won the battle for us all. Will I also choose obedience and live victorious because of the Cross?
Will you?

What to do? Where to study? Would it take too long? Would I survive on my own?

Would there be enough money? Would it eat into my siblings funds? Would I be a burden?

Is it the right thing to do? Would I be embarking on a journey I envisioned myself? Would it not be a plan He had for me? What if it wasn't? How will I know??

What if it isn't for me, but I went on ahead without realising? Would I stumble and fall so bad I won't rise up again? Or would I rise up but head the Other way?

What if it was, but I pulled the brakes and scrapped the plan before it could begin, because I thought I wouldn't pull through? Because I thought that it wasn't wise to spend more money on an education I'm not sure would bring me far? Because I didn't have faith that He would provide?
Would that be my end? Would there be no turning back? Would there be another chance to redeem the time lost doing things I wasn't meant to?

How will I know?
When will I know?

I guess, like the song says.....EVERYTHING, including the answers I so desperately want to know, IN ITS TIME.

In the crowd, the peoples wave, the smiles returned
They pass, their faces blurred, their footsteps fade
You passed, you smiled
But did you see?

Every week, every month
And for many years,
Do you remember?

Acquaintance come, acquaintance go
Here today and gone tomorrow
The first day, acquaintance
The second day, acquaintance
And for a 1000 months thereafter,
they're still acquaintances.

But, do they care?