Unforgettable for the wrong reason

I would be lying if i said I am ok. That i have gotten over it and life can go on as usual.
No, it is not ok.

I will forever be on the lookout in case they appear from the darkness again. I will start telling us to leave earlier so we would less be in risk of meeting those money-hungry uniformed thugs. I will start being cautious of when or where we stop to be alone together. At least for now.

Please bear with me in these moments. I may shed a little tear or more without notice. I may try to push you away if anyone is near. I may cut short our time without reason. But please bear with me.

Answer me please

Do you know how much I agonise just waiting for you to answer my texts? Why do you take so long to reply? What are you doing? What are you busy with? What are you thinking about? Who are you with? Why do you not check your phone??????!!!!

Days are so long without your messages, and nights are so short when you start replying me. This is insane and driving me crazy!

Are you OK? Are you hurt? Are you fighting? Are you sleeping? Are you still alive???!!

Tell me please. Please reply me.....NOW!

What kills us

I don't know if I love him deeply. I wish for him to satisfy my flesh. I wish to satisfy his craving. But i know I will regret it.

Has it become an addiction? It definitely is. It is the silent killer of relationships. It is the secret voice that calls out to me every night, and I am hooked. It's got me in its talons and keeps me wanting more every night. It constantly teases and opens the secret door of desire and makes me crave more than just watching people on the screen.
It slowly alters your normal. It opens me to the doors of my doom. There are many ways in, and only 1 way out. That way out isn't obscure, but is difficult to reach. The way out demands death to desire. But when you're trapped in its many talons, it takes more than willpower to say no to its temptations.

I want to see you. But do you want to see me?

Feeling like a hypocrite. What is the point of hearing when I will not listen? What is the point of listening if I will not obey?

I cannot worship because I feel guilty. I feel undeserving of being in His presence, and I am. I feel scared like He might strike me with lightning, or that someone else may uncover my secret deeds. I cannot pray because there's sin in me and I know it very well. And I know the answer to all these is to let him go, but I stubbornly refuse. I've fallen to deep and given so intimately, I want him. I wish He would let this dreams take place, but deep down I know it won't. Because if the best for me would destroy another persons life, it can't be the best for me. I've heard it said, he's a distraction, and I knew it was true.
The question is, do I want to meet Him?

What is your identity?

What is your character? What is unique to you? What are you so passionate about that when people look at you, they immediately associate you with your passion?

This is torture

Tell me, is this not the greatest tragedy?! To be able to touch you, but not able to hold you tight. To be able to see you, but not able to call you mine. Perhaps not now, perhaps never.

SOS

Help me! I can't let go.
No, I don't want to. Please don't help me.

Dear heart

Its just too painful. I wish you'd stop beating.

Live and let live

Cry all you want, but don't drown in those tears. Scream all you want, but don't close your ears.
Live well my dear, and remember him through the years.

Musing

Hate getting angry especially when it involves people. Cos i hurt myself more than i hurt those who anger me. #pabo

Love yourself

We keep saying we want some space to just learn to love ourselves better so we can learn to love the ones who love us.
How do we start to love ourself better? What does it even mean?

What sorcery is this?

The closer we get, the more pained i feel. How long more will we last? What will become of us? Will we ever be legal? What if it doesn't?

If we were meant for each other

Trust That If We're Meant For Each Other God Will Make It Happen

I don’t know who you are. I probably haven’t met you yet, or if I have, you probably didn’t recognize me. If by any chance you come across this letter, I want to let you know that if you are waiting, you are not waiting alone.

I have been dreaming of you since my youth and I am still dreaming of you now that I have grown to become a lady. All those years, the world out there has been trying to entice me with its fleeting and temporary pleasures, but I have shied away from its ploys for I was thinking of you, I was thinking of us – I want to offer you the best of all that I am – including my past. I want to keep myself pure for you and for the God we both serve, who calls our bodies the “temple of His Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19).

In my youth I have asked God to enable me to remain single until He brings you to me – my first, my last, my one and only. A decade has passed since I prayed that prayer, and not a single piece of my heart regrets receiving what I asked for, even if it was difficult, even if it was unpopular, even if it came with a price.

I have constantly been told that it was too much, that it was unfair and that you don’t deserve it. They said it was too much because it’s okay to be involved with men, give my heart away and learn from every experience. After all, every experience will help me be a better person. And by the time you come, I won’t be making the same mistakes I have made with other guys before you. I was told it was unfair and that you don’t deserve it. Because as I wait, you could very well be dating every girl you are interested in, you may have given away your purity a long time ago, and you may end up seeing me as someone too naive, old-fashioned and inexperienced.

But I have deafened my ears from these voices for this is my way of showing you that I truly love you and I have loved you even before we meet. And even if I am ridiculed and mocked for being single up to now because of these personal convictions, this is my way of honoring you. Despite what these voices say, I want to believe in you. I want to believe that you are worth my waiting and my sacrifices.

And if somehow these voices may be true, that the price I paid is too high for someone as imperfect as you are, know that I will never detest you. In fact, I expect you to be imperfect. For if you have surrendered your life to Christ and are truly God’s will for me, then you are “good, pleasing and perfect” (Romans 12:12) for me in spite of all your flaws and imperfections. Your imperfections make room for me to grow to love you more. For it is in these imperfections that I can truly exemplify how it is to love you unconditionally as I was first loved by Jesus (1 John 4:9).

If by any chance I have already met you and it was I who failed to notice you, please stop trying to be someone else to make me fall for you. I won’t fall for you by the way you look. I won’t fall for you by the strength of your arms. I won’t fall for you by sweet words coming out of your lips. I will fall for the man you truly are.
For when you age and your hair turns grey, and you become an old man with a wrinkled face, the strength of your arms fades and your voice becomes too weak to be heard, I will stay in love with you for the man that you are – for your gentleness of spirit, strength of character, meekness of heart. Words need not be spoken, for I will stay in love with you beyond words.

If somehow you decide to pursue me and I fail to notice you at all, trust that if you are for me, He will turn my heart to you and give me a love for you when the right time comes. If it looks like I have closed my door and coming into my life may seem so difficult, know that I have kept it that way because I want to protect you, I want to protect us.
Winter is coming and you may begin to feel the cold. But I hope that somehow, you may also feel the warmth of my love for you – a love that has been, a love that is, a love that will keep waiting for you. And when your nights are cold and your days are empty, when loneliness is the thief that tries to steal your joy, I pray that you may find strength and satisfaction in Christ’s love, who makes all things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

I wish I knew how many more years… I wish I knew how many more tears… But I know none of these things except this truth – that “He who promised is faithful” (Hebrews 10:23).

http://thoughtcatalog.com/andrienne-boada/2016/10/trust-that-if-were-meant-for-each-other-god-will-make-it-happen/
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You know how difficult this is God. Why does it have to be so?

Secret garden

I don't know if I can let you in. Because letting you in means being vulnerable. Like an open book  played on a broken record, but i don't know what you'll do with the song that you hear.

Maybe I'm not ready to let go, maybe I haven't trusted enough. These walls that I've built still stand sky high.

Till you rot

Laziness is gonna eat you and rot your bones.  Procrastination will consume you till you have no will, save to be constantly wanting to do but never doing.

Oh tragedy

Oh what do I do, I love you so dear! What did you do, my heart has lost its way! How will I ever know where to draw the line? How do I turn away, for your attention is all I want? How do I shut my ears, when your words are the sweetest?

I know love is not a game. Not meant to be played. Definitely not for the weak. But even the strong fail and falter.

I know well I play with fire, dancing in the flames. If I fan this flame I know I will see them slay. I see the red lights blaring but why ain't I heeding?

Closure//{klō-zhər}

At some points in our lives, you'll find that you need closure; we all do. Without closure, our fickle heart cannot let go, our human mind cannot move on. We'll be forward-backward. You'll find that you always end up where you started.
Should we hold on or let go? Should it matter or best be ignored? Should we start afresh and let the past be memories that we'll lock in the safebox deep down in our hearts? Is it time yet? Will i regret? Will they judge me? What if..?

To our dismay, closure comes in many forms. Perhaps audible, sometimes visible. But sometimes our defiant heart chooses not to recognise it, because our minds have already decided that it will only accept closure when it sees what it thinks we should see, or feels what it thinks we should feel, or hears what it thinks we should hear.

Waking up to the sound of bells

Having a primary school somewhere on the right and a secondary school on the left is really no fun! As if the Singapore sun rising at 7am is not early enough, the school bells ring, songs blare fr the speakers and the principal trying to quieten his students should be enough to wake anyone up. Not to mention its a HDB flat. Meaning, there's just so much motion and noise you should just wake up though back at home this is WAY TOO EARLY.

I think I see my parents smiling (...if they ever read this). Over here, house rules is to not sleep so late. Late, meaning 11pm. And to not wake up so late, meaning 9am max. But thats ok, the waking up I mean. With school bells and songs blaring, drilling and wedding gongs, I can't possibly sleep any longer. But sleeping early?!..hmm, that's been a bit difficult. I feel like I have not done much work. Everyday I feel like I could have done more if I could just cut back on sleeping time, then I would be pretty much on time to hand in well done assignments.

The standard here is really high! If you thought doing a comparison assignment was just a table, pictures and pointform thing, you're way way wrong!. One of my class mate made it to look like a magazine spread, even the cover was like a magazine cover! Another made it like a story, like comparing is 2 friends wardrobe. Mind you, we weren't told to do it that way, we were just told to compare. Talk about kiasu!

Home is where the heart is

Hello there! Its been 1 month since I left my beloved home. Truly, home is where the heart is. The place where I had a somewhere to call my own, the room door I could lock if I wanted to hide myself away, the study room I could stay awake past 3am just so I could try to finish assignments, the washing machine I could throw everything in so I won't have to spend time hand washing everything!

There is really so much to miss, I can't possibly list it here, I'll just bore you to sleep! So many things I never cared about that suddenly seem like haven to have them now. Cue, the washing machine!

When life throws you lemons, what do you do? Make lemonade, eh?
"But I don't like sour!", you say. Deal with it! You can't always have sweet, you'll just kill yourself slowly.

So life don't always provide you with everything you want the way you want it. But hey, if life here was perfect we won't need heaven anymore!

I've learned that we can't always have everything our way. We can't expect things to be the same everywhere. We've just got to learn to be flexible, but not too much though.


So the next time life throws you lemons, make lemonade and sprinkle with a little sugar.

{Death: I'm sure we all know what this is, no need for definitions }

{Morbid: according to Wikipedia, it is a diseased state, poor health or disability}

{Taboo: strong social prohibition}

And for as long as life has been,
Death=Morbid=Taboo

We shy away from the topic of death.
We shudder at the thought of it.
At the mention of death, a chill is sent down our spine.

And Death is followed by Memories. Good, bad, forgettable?.......take your pick.

Up to 10 years ago, memories of the dead would pretty much, only be read out during private memorials, maybe shared with the 'next generations', and thats about it. Even if the Late was an evil, hardly many would know.
But today, there's facebook, and twitter and blogs and whatever web based applications. The comments would be all across the world in seconds!

How would you like your memorial to sound like? What last comments would you like the world to see on your page?

Today, 18th June 2010 @ 3.2o pm

At the roadside stall, the pak cik exclaimed loudly that yet another accident took one too many lives from the same family. I didn't much think of it. After all, there's just too many accidents happening every day!

After cg, on the way home @10+ pm

A friend was commenting about the same accident. The world became smaller, or so it seemed. It was his friend's, friend's family.

After cg, at home on facebook@ 11pm

A friends page. The same accident. But this time, time seemed to skip a beat. The world is brought even closer. My good friend lost his friend. God brought him Home.

A moment later,

Another friend's page. Again the same accident. Now my world seems to have shrunk so small, how did God put so many people I know, to know that same family, or specifically that one person? If the heart had a trigger button, someone had set it to trigger the crash button right about now.
I didn't need to know the person to feel this way. Just the fact that many of my friends lost their friend is enough to make me sad. The biggest impact probably had to be that my friend, whom I'd gotten to know better during form 6 years, SHE, lost the shoulder she could cry on, lost the hug she could receive, lost the warmth of love she gave and received.

To you my dear friend, be strong, be very strong. He would have wanted that of you too. And know that even if we do not know why it happened, God did not cause it. But HE allowed it and HE knows what HE's allowing. There is a reason for everything, one day HE would make it known to us too.

Don't give up on life, don't give up on God!

Praise the Lord because my God answer's prayers!

Now I know pure JOY!
**************************************
The months of praying,
The buckets of tears.

The crushing thoughts,
Self condemnation.

**************************************
Really, I am my worst critic. Most of us are ain't it so? From the moment I answered the first question during the interview, my critic-self was telling me 'great, you're doomed! you're so not gonna pass this'. Obviously I didn't do that well during interview. I mostly couldn't answer the question, and gave little 'smart' answers that really just showed them lecturers that I'm probably one of those with a hollow head who thinks they're the best anyway. (eg. dumb blondes, or in this case just another dumb black) They asked me why I wanted to do this course? I didn't know why. All the time I've been thinking while preparing for the interview, I couldn't answer that too.

Then the months of waiting, thus my previous posts. Wait, wait and wait some more. All the 'what're you doing now?/ i thought you wanted to do this?/eh, i heard you're gonna go somewhere?'. Definitely not helping either. I know, I don't blame anyone. Just curiosity, after all its not that I see them everyday.
But waiting really is torture!...With each passing day I wake up and contemplate to pursue or to give up. Should I continue studying? Should I just get a job? What if I'm not accepted there? Would I want to do another 2 and a half long years? Should I give up? Should I pray harder?
I should pray harder.

And so I did. And cried a lot too. Ok make that I wanted much to lock myself in the room till I get the reply I wanted to hear, because tears just wanted to flood my eyes everytime i thought of it. Which is all the time, unless I was doing something else, which coincidentally, is hardly. But because I hate to be seen crying by anyone even my family members, I would swallow back those tears before it could leak out the corners of my eyes.

Alas I finally received what I've been praying for! The next chapter of my life, in Singapore=)

Its 6 months down the road. All direction you ever thought you had has been washed away by storms of worry, your little pebble markers scattered by ambiguous winds. That dream you once harboured?..See it shatter, splinter, strayed to every corner of the never ending maze. There's still a piece you hold, afraid to let it go, as though your very life depended on that tiny puzzle piece.

But the weight of the piece, it makes you crumble slowly. It hinders your move at every step. It takes the light out of the day and the stars out of the night. Or maybe thats what you've allowed it to do.

Still, that piece has been a tiny glint of Hope you've been clinging on to ever since you started this journey. Should you hold on? or is it time to let it go?

How do you glimpse light in this blinding darkness?
How do you journey on without answers?
and yet hope to be found on the right track.

Another day passes
I'm still looking,
Still walking,
Still thinking,
Still wondering.

Would it just be a dream?
A dream...
Cooked to perfection in a silver pot,
Served on a diamond platter,
Laced with gold.

I wish it was just round the corner,
I'd stretch my hands,
And there it'll be,
On the palm of my hand,
For all to see.

But reality hits,
The dream's now but a blur.
Moving further,
Fading.

I don't know it anymore.