Musings about life

Some people lose their other half, some people find their soul mate.
Some people leave for greener grass, others come to take their place.
Some people fight, some people find it hard to mend.
Some people lose their reason to live, some are still searching for a meaning to existence.

And I, I'm just waiting. Waiting for the next wave that would change my normal, once again.

Till you rot

Laziness is gonna eat you and rot your bones.  Procrastination will consume you till you have no will, save to be constantly wanting to do but never doing.

Today I drove all the way back from KLIA. My first time driving on a highway! I drove at 60km/hr, touched 80km/hr twice on a 90km/hr highway and at certain turnings dipped to 20km/hr! LOL I must certainly be a tortoise on the road that the PLUS Ronda truck travelled behind me for quite a stretch to make sure I would be fine.=)
I was at first wondering what could be wrong with the driver of this yellow truck behind me, for he did not overtake or switch lanes like just about everyone else who were behind me at first. Later only did my mum tell me that it was the PLUS Ronda team making sure I'm safe enough.
I thank God no one honked me, for I would have panicked and consented to drive at 90 and forgo my sense of control. Thank goodness too KLIA is near my Uni so once we got out of the airport area, we were on almost- familiar grounds. Almost, because if you ask me now to draw the road map for you I would probably miss out a few turns here and there. I know better if we were on the road itself.

I must have been a nuisance to others, but pardon me it was my very first time, and I'm of course afraid that If I went too fast I wouldn't be able to control well. So bear with it people who drive at 100+ on a 90km/hr freeway, you were once like me too!

i haven't blogged in a month!

not that its anything to be surprised anyway. i decided i'd spare u all another truckload of emo posts. hahaha

finally the mad-rush-to-finish-every-single-asgmt month is over! yes, its holidays=]

this sem was really really really bad....i dunnoe what i have been doing cos it seemed as though i had 4 months worth of work to complete in the past 2 weeks. 'nuff said, i barely slept.

if i didn't have the help of my mum and allll my siblings i would never have finished in time. really thankful to them alll....my mum din sleep for 2 nights (not in a row lar) helping me tooo...dahlah the next day gotta drive me to uni to pass up.

next sem's i really absoloutely need to work faster, procrastinate much less, be more confident with my ideas....sigh cos ar, if i dun think my idea is right/ good i won't start my work wan lor.....bad bad. Someone please kick me if i dun work faster n harder next time!!!

*************
Talking to you is painful
I wonder why i still bother.

Like a knife piercing the heart
It only cuts deeper.
*************

sem's OVER and i'm happy!!!! i would be for this first few weeks.....so many of my friends are back.. yea!!!=)=);)more going outs, more money spent..... but 2 months is no-kidding-long. too long i'd think. gees.....mr LimKW should hire me to help him rearrange his uni's schedule. he prob doesn't realise how his schedule makes his students suffer. let me take u thru a year's schedule:

Jan: HOLS
Feb: HOL till chinese new year is over. then the sem starts
Mar, Apr, May: its 12 weeks or 13 weeks of classes. the last week of may is the last official week of classes
June: 2 weeks grace to pass up asgmts then HOLS
July:HOLS
Aug, Sept, Oct: another 14 weeks of classes, actually with 1 week mid sem break included. then i end
Nov: 2 weeks of grace again and its HOLS
Dec: HOLS !!

my gosh....mr Lim really sucks the money outta us. we suffocate and suffer for 14 weeks or if u are me...17 weeks (haha) then we enjoy for a month and rot the rest of the hols. thus your 15 k (or more)of tuition fees. i honestly won't mind an extra month of classes each sem. more time to do work, more lectures, and we can learn more.

all his brilliance, and these he can't figure out??!! *shakes head*

i rant enough. i shall enjoy.

ish.....if had a 'most frustrating week' list, this week will rank high. its not just the assignments. well, lets just start with that.

my assignments are sky rocketing and i only have 6 weeks more to complete EVERYTHING!. the everything which includes:
1) 2 watercolour paintings, 1 poster colour, 1 marker rendering (distortion) of which i have yet to choose a picture, distort it and get it aproved, and there's still 2 more to come!!

2) i've got a dress pattern to complete and the dress to sew. imagine, i took 8 weeks to complete my 1st dress..now i only have 6, and its just my 2nd dress! prolly need to find the accessorries (gulp..more money!!) and find a model for the presentation.

3) then there's this whole business management research on abercrombie. honestly, i think i'm the laziest in the group. christina's done her part, sabira and tania should be almost done too. me? i'm only 5% started! i feel so bad each time she ask me about it...

4) next is a pants to sew. well at least this wan got progress la, but super slow.

5) history journal..haih. i haven't started. ish. all these research punya work so annoying.

last saturday i auditioned for christmas. a morning to learn a whole dance proves too much for my brain. i learn too slowly..always. hmh...i screwed the auditions yet again. so dissapointing.

then there was Tuesday. the day i burnt a whole in my pocket. the day i dissapointed my parents badly. i still feel bad, still feel the tears welling when i think of Tuesday.

and yesterday, i broke my contact lens. yea, i know..like WHAT??! i think i didn't place the left side of the contacts properly and it slipped out into the container into the storing liquid. and as i was trying to take it out i prolly broke it then. (mine's semi hard lense) somehow i almost always only think of the better solution after things happen. ish...dunnoe how to tell my parents. dun even know whether to tell them anot. ish..have to spend money again. another 100+ will fly away. (must so go and work this holidays!)

then there's friends that unknowingly dissapoint you. small matters but they do count. what's worst? i can't and don't know how to tell them that.

ugh!!!!!!..............

somehow each time i get the chance to feel extra independent i feel someone else is just trying to get me into trouble. earning my own money for the 1st time felt so good, i was so happy i thought i could cover the cost of the fabric already. nay. instead the fabric cost almost double what i earned. why? cos i dunnoe how to go to the shop selling cheaper jeans material. annd....me and mahsa made many dumb mistakes. non-street wise ppl. we could have taken the e1 bus (we were on it) right up to central market, instead we stopped at central kl and got cheated of 8 bux for the ride to central market. then, when going back, she could have waited for e1 at cm instead of going back to central, missing the bus (the bus just left right when we arrived) and waiting for another 40 minutes and me could have taken the bus straight to midvalley instead of dropping at central, pay more money and take the train to midvalley. ish..

after the interview at midvalley pulak, my 2 joker friends ( namely margaret and robin) decided to wait in hunger for me and stef to finish..that was at 9+. yes..and so we ate then. gosh, what if we had eaten and wanted to go back straightaway,,,st_p_d!!!!!! i was rushing to get to the ktm by 10pm cos the last train to subang is at 11 and its ktm ler....tau tau la. manatau the train to midvalley tergendala 3 freaking times!! the train only arrived at like wat, 10.50 something. i reached central at 11.05. needless to say, the last train gone di lar. my mind went into panic mode when i saw the sign...next train..
5.15

and to top it all i only had 2 cents in my phone, 30 cents coins in my wallet and no one had enough coins to change for a dollar note. i was stranded!!!!

i called my dad and next thing i heard was shouting. he was like " so now how?..WALK HOME LA!!'. he asked me to find a way back first before he came. and thats what i did. i went out just in time to catch the last rapid kl to subang.but since i couldn't call him, i messaged my sis to get him to call me asap. well, that took a while and when he called the bus moved off already..with me inside. And the worst thing was he said he was nearby already!.. that thought did strike when i entered the bus, but panic clouded my mind and i dismissed that innervoice.

all through the bus ride, i was either trying to hold back tears or deciding in my mind whether to prepare my defence or just let them scold. well, i did deserve it in a way. sigh.
getting in my parents car when at subang was worst. pure torture. the silent treatment they gave me was killing. i wished they'd scold me, scream at me, anything but be silent. parent's always do that, don't they? make you feel bad by not talking....

and so i decided, i will TRY VERY VERY HARD to not go out till so late at night. especially if it involves public transport. and i will keep a spare reload card in my phone unless i change to postpaid fast! its a good thing they didn't decide to ground me, they did think of that but later crossed that idea..and i thank them for that. so i must now prove my dependence again.


cos

"no amount of independence is mature
if i have to trouble my parents"


"no amount of fun is worth it
if my parents worry all that time"

earned rm 120 for crapping an entire hour..not bad eh?.lol...

*me laughs all the way home!*

seriously, all i did was comment and give my views on whether this or that design is nicer and why sometimes...it was actually quite fun!

thank you Stef!!! luv you to bits. your kawan here appreciates you thinking of sharing the opportunity dengan ku!!

i finally drove out of SS 19 for the 1st time!!....... it was a nightmare for my mum, i think i scared my sis the whole half an hour, my siblings can't stop shaking their heads..and me?...am just so happy i finally drove again after....erh, 1 year hiatus?..lol

no, i didn't drive the unser. my dad borrowed his friend's saga cos his car kena curi last year..so i drove that.... haha. thank goodness i didn't scratch, dent or apa-apa la too the car.

i was suppose to trail my mum all the way to ss14 so we could send the unser to the workshop and go home with the saga. a few times it looked as though i was gonna bang my mum's car..she was like "aiyoh, she going so fast down the slope, i better go faster too" haha. fact is, i was trying to brake cos its nearing traffic light but u noe with different cars the brake also different kan, some cars press a bit only also can di....not with the saga. my sis was practically screaming her lungs out, not once but a few times sumore.

the when it turned green, i release brake la...but i couldnt balance the clutch and accelerator properly, mati-ed enjin 3 times!!! that's just at 1 traffic light . i mati-ed lotsa times more than that. even reversing out of the house, i mati so many times my mum had to drive it out for me.

when i finally got through,,then entered at 14, i didn't realise it was a one way street, i jalan saja. lol thank God there was ample space to park. my mind was already panicking cos i seriously forgotten all about the parking part when my mum asked if i was game to drive.

oh well....every new driver's first faults are always mati enjin and driving the wrong way on 1 way streets. ..and it manual ok!.*pats myself on the back* hehe.
i'm still noob k. (though already got C license wan) =)

fuming mad and pissed!.......sometimes technology is just so ANNOYING. annoying's an understatement but i can't find any other word to best describe the situation..so, ANNOYING!!!!

i get kicked out every few seconds...and when i get reconnected i get kicked out again! and whats this limited conncetivity?????

and since i'm using the laptop i get kicked out more often...! my bro using the house com only gets slow connection and gets kicked out every few minutes....argh!..and all he's doing is reading manga while i'm doing my assignment!!

argh again! life IS unfair....its patience challenging. (not that i have any to begin with.)

gosh..i don't know wether to be excited cos its holidays this 1 week or cry and groan and work like no tomorrow still. After this holidays i only have 6 official weeks of uni and 2 extra weeks if the lecturer would be oh-so-kind! And then its sem break again.
my assignment list for this holiday includes:-
1) business -company research. havn't call the other group members to distribute our workload. and sould start studying for the finals too. our seniors been telling us no one ever got an A for his class. the highest was a B....and thats so scary. i want an A!!

2) next is illustration...hmh. this wan got overdued work di. seriously i also dunnoe what i do sometimes. (k, make that most of the time) 3 weeks and still can't finish the colour pencil hatching. not just that, till now i've only done the face! and most of my classmates have started the black and white painting di....3 even finished the coloured water colour painting too and are now starting poster colour!!! they took 3 days for each. hmh...!

3) sewing- my stupid dress zipper!....haih., it was almost perfect at first. except that the invisible zipper became quite visible at one stretch. and since i had time last friday the lecturer asked me to repair that. and so i did though i reallllllyy realllly tak suka the uni's sewing machine. and needless to say i had a war with the machine and it 'ate' 3 of my needles. haih..from 9 at the starting of the sem i'm only left with 1 now. and i broke about 5 of it just last week alone...and yes, the invisible zipper is still visible albeit at a different point now, AND i dunnoe how it appeared but got extra cloth at on part too...so it just looks plain weird!!! the lecturer also laugh cos 1 side is perfectly fine, but the other is a disaster. thats not all.......i should start the pattern for my pants tooo.....most of my classmates have already started it...seriously i dunnoe why me and christina's always the last or one of the last to finish wan.

4) next, design. haih.....every class just has to have some cheong hei ppl. and so happen i was sitting opposite her that day. so each time i call the lecturer to help me...she pulak will go "miss, is this right?..so i do this, this, this ,this and this, right? then i do this, this, this and that? ok, because i have to..(whatever la)".....and she continues and repeats this procedure again and again. and each time she does this she has the nerve to look at me and say, just a minute ya! a minute my foot la...to me its just plain RUDE when you do it tooo many times. get a hint when even the lecturer roles her eyes (behind her back la). your not the only one in class ok..and its not only you who wants to get it done fast. ..and because of that i may have to go to uni one of these days to ask her to help me! i so dread going there....only bus going there is at 8 and the earliest bus to go home is 3.. i should go with christina to buy cloth one of these days tooo..ish, i dislike going to masjid jamek area..dahlah i will get sesat, and i generally think the place is just.... dislikeable? haha

5) then there's history. we're suppose to watch 'the devil wear's prada' and do character analysis on the main characters. something more interesting, haha. anyone up for an old movie? also should start writing my journal on all the topics we've covered in the past 7 weeks...more research and the lecturers like "journals should be handwritten"..so , yea.....!!!!!!!
so funny the day the lecturer announced we have a holiday assginment, Mahsa complained aloud.."but its a holiday! we're suppose to relax, not do work!.." the whole class including the lecturer erupted with laughter. but its so seriously true. technically la, holiday means relax, no?...but with this amount of homework.....nah!

more about my momental memory loss.........2 weeks ago, i woke up on time, dressed up as usual only taking my swweeet time, somehow forgetting that the bus leaves at 8.15. i went in my mum's car only realising then that its already 8.13! and i just left the house. i frantically called my fren to ask the drvier to wait, but no, the driver refused. and so i reached just in time to see the bus move from its spot. next thing i knew, it was a wild goose chase between the bus driver and my mum tailing him directly behind, honking him to stop. at first i thought i could run to catch him since he stopped a sec at sjmc. but that didn't work and i ended up running a few steps bahind him like a mad girl. ....so embarassing.. i hope no one i know saw me! thank goodness i arrived at the sunway stop in time to get on the bus. not without bouts of laughing from my friends though.

then last monday, i forgotten to bring my asignment to do in that 6 hrs before class. i placed it on my table the night before, while packing. but somehow, when i brought my bag to the front a few minutes later, that big file on my table decided to hide from my eyes. it slipped my mind, and i didn't see it. i only realised it when i reached the bus stop the next morning.

again my brain decides to play tricks on me. yesterday i thought my violin class is at 3pm instead of 3,30. i went in confidently, and upon seeing his actual 3 pm student which arrived later than me, he questioned. and i confidently answered 'my time is 3'. haha..big joke.....now he'll probably laugh at that too for the next few weeks till he finds a new joke. who knew my name could be a source of laughter too.....ai, why your eye like that wan? hahaha

barely 3 weeks of uni and its just crazy! asignments are pilling, the excitement rising, yet the mood dampens day by day. yes, i'm finally gonna design my own garments, and yes, i feel more like a professional artist now. but the higher my asignments pile, the more moody i become, the less i want to finish it, let alone start doing. such a procrastinator.
i'm jealous too. my friends can still afford to relax, but i have to slug day and night just trying to finish it. and i already have a late submission. gosh.......!
as i sit here writing this post, i'm supposed to be doing pencil hatching. but i take forever. 1 whole day for a sleeve is no joke. and i have to pass this up on monday. the ever impending thought that my work is just not nice, not perfect enough is reason to blame. having stef's work as example has its good and bad. my classmates saw that gorgeous piece of work, so did my lecturers. they now think i'm good. kinda hard living up to that expectation, aint it?
that aside, i still have 30 sketches to design. read: i need ideas desperately! its due tuesday;a dress pattern block to complete, of which i've forgotten half the instructions. sigh....i've been having memory problems lately.
not to mention, i still wanna go out with deb and the rest of the gang this week, since its deb's last week of hols. with that amount of work??

Tomorrow I pay my fees, next week I start.

Suddenly going back to uni seems so strange, so alien. Even the thought of it seems weird. After 2 months, past the new year and still 2 months more. How would the classmates be? Would the lecturers still be the same? The Plaza, Wings, the Library. Would I still frequent those places?
Would my current bff's still remain, unchanged? I hope we do=) What about Padi? And Old Town? ….i smell white coffee……

Oh, NO! waking up at 7 everyday!! And the coming back. I hope I get to go back at 3 everyday. Wouldn't it be perfect if they'd schedule for a bus at 4?! It's not fun staying in that out-of-nowhere black concrete jail till 6! Especially with no one to grumble and laugh with. The HORROR!

3+ months of holidays. The prospect of sleeping till past 9 on most day is BLISS; till I wake up and crack my brains figuring out what to do the rest of the day.

The BIG P


Parents. = irritating
To me.
How much of us do they know? How much of them do we know?

I always wanted to personally sign my parents up for ‘parenting teens and young adults’ courses. In my opinion, they really need it. Didn’t they ever look at their parents and say ‘I never want to do that to my child’? or are they just too caught up with work they can’t see past their parents parenting methods?

Don’t they ever wonder why all their scolding’s and naggings don’t make us any better? Don’t they ever stop and wonder whether their parenting methods are effective?
How about their toooo strict rules? Some too outdated to be enforced.

You have a problem with me sleeping at past 12 everyday? Why must I wake up at 8am? Why must you plan things for me to do? why won’t you let me go out at night?
You say I rebel?......poof...why don’t YOU stop and figure out why I do wat i do?
Better yet,
Why don’t you just LEAVE ME TO DO WHAT I LIKE AT WHATEVER TIME I DECIDE? Whose life is it? Definitely not yours.

It’s not like I want you to completely get your hook of me. All I want is a little space for me to breathe. Yes, you read me right. I think you’re suffocating me.

I’ll still let you control how much time I spend out of the house and in the house. I let you control what I can eat and what I can refuse to eat, which basically is nothing. I let you control my allowance, it’s your money and I respect that.

Why do you want to control my finer things in life at present? No where is it written that we must sleep before 12 and wake up by 8. Let me sleep whatever time I like. Fine if you want me to wake up early, 9 is still bright. Do not bother how much sleep I get, it’s not like I’d complain and be a zombie whole day. I know you care, but don’t force your way of living down my throat.

Do not complain if I do not do the things you planned for me, they’re seldom anything I have in mind. I know what I should brush up on. I don’t need you to tell me that. Just let me do it when I want to. It does not matter how much of it I do in a day. It’s my holidays and I’ll work at my own pace.

The masterpiece, the heart and the soul are all a parcel. Anything done without the complete power of 3 proves futile.

And for once, be quiet when we talk. Give us a chance to state our defence. Don’t jump to conclusions and don’t make assumptions. It’s my greatest dislike about you. Remember, you’re not always right. Neither is anything you didn’t do during your childhood, wrong. We’re just different. And we live in different eras. Peeking out of your shell is good once in awhile.

I love you, but I long for my space. You can’t keep me forever.