Love yourself

We keep saying we want some space to just learn to love ourselves better so we can learn to love the ones who love us.
How do we start to love ourself better? What does it even mean?

Till you rot

Laziness is gonna eat you and rot your bones.  Procrastination will consume you till you have no will, save to be constantly wanting to do but never doing.

Closure//{klō-zhər}

At some points in our lives, you'll find that you need closure; we all do. Without closure, our fickle heart cannot let go, our human mind cannot move on. We'll be forward-backward. You'll find that you always end up where you started.
Should we hold on or let go? Should it matter or best be ignored? Should we start afresh and let the past be memories that we'll lock in the safebox deep down in our hearts? Is it time yet? Will i regret? Will they judge me? What if..?

To our dismay, closure comes in many forms. Perhaps audible, sometimes visible. But sometimes our defiant heart chooses not to recognise it, because our minds have already decided that it will only accept closure when it sees what it thinks we should see, or feels what it thinks we should feel, or hears what it thinks we should hear.

SO you go blog hopping? I do to. In fact I think its a very exciting pastime, good or bad, it depends. If you have assignments and you're blog hopping then, nay, it ain't good. But if you happen to be very, absolutely free, then by all means=)

Why do I think its really exciting? Because I always stumble upon interesting reads, thought-provoking posts, inspiring works or glimpses of friends I haven't heard from for ages! Remember those 'kotak hitam' experiments we use to do in school? Blog hopping to me is like when you put your hand in that tiny hole at the top of the box, then you wiggle your way around trying to guess whats in it, and it usually turns out differently. It's like > *SURPRISE*< at the end of the hopping.

So nosy. Me ? Not that I'm a busy body, I'm not interested at what you've been up to (if you're not my friend), I just like looking for good reads, good pictures and ideas. And, hey, you put that blog up here, its not surprising if I stumble upon it, right am i?

Anyway, its funny how I go to peoples blogs and find out things I never knew, even if I sort-of-knew them for as long as I was in school. Back then, the only conversations we exchanged would be the occasional 'hi!', or the 'could you pick my pen for me please?' and neither would say anymore. Funny. Pathetic.

Then I go on further, and I discover they, who hardly spoke to one another then, whom no one would have guessed they would be at the same place, save at school; now in the same picture, posing with friends whom I know not. No, it wasn't a class picture of any sort. It was at an event that has nothing to do with college. So, they had something in common after all!

I look at the friends list, and pick out a name or two that I think I might know. Sometimes I guess right, sometimes it turns out to be a completely different person, sometimes its people I don't know after all. But even at these certain person I-do-not-know's blog, I find out he/she and I have a common friend! Small world right?

Lemme tell you again....blog hopping IS fun! Just know when to and when not. Self-discipline people! Me is still learning that;)

I cannot understand how one can say they love their current other half, yet cannot see marriage with that person even after dating for quite awhile. If you don't really think you'll marry them, it implies that you'd probably eventually break up, no? And we all know that break ups causes heartaches, emotional pain and such. Yeah, you say you'll get over it eventually......REALLY? completely? think harder.

So, if you know you're gonna get wounded when it ends...why continue on with this 'temporary relationship'? why get together in the first place? why?.....to enjoy the moment then get yourself hurt after that? then bring that emotional baggage into your (probable) eventual marriage (to someone else, perhaps)?

This morning i read about how sleep, or rather the lack of it, could affect our devotion time. For me, that slapped me right in the face! well.....i have been like an owl the past few weeks, finding it hard to keep my sleepy eyes open and heavy head up to do my work during the day, but when at night (past 12am) i am awake! Partly due to the fact I've been falling asleep so many times during the day already...lol
Then it goes on to say that researches have proven that the lack of sleep causes us to eat more than usual! Have to admit that can be true....cos i usually get very hungry if i stay up past midnight. Too bad my weighing scales is out, don't know if all those late night suppers' done wonders to my weight!!!! ...(or is ignorance bliss? hehe)
Remember the story in Acts, where Eutychus fell soundly asleep while Paul was preaching and dropped 3 floors down to his death? (later brought back to life through Paul la) and another one about Jacob who was so tired he could even use a rock for a pillow!! the Bible really has lotsa sound advice=]
When we don't have enough rest we find it hard to concentrate, or even give God His time. Or sometimes we (or me laaa) decide to spend a lil time for devotion, then i think twice and hw got the better of me. I start to feel guilty for not spending whatever little time i have to finish my asgmts. Bad choice, i know. Blame the laziness and indiscipline, now i've gotta work tripple times harder to finish all in 1 1/2 months; thus the late nights.
I know we young peeps love staying up late...cos, i dunnoe, but we all just seem to be doing that. haha. But the question is, is your staying up late/ sleepless nights causing u to spend less time with God or to not spend time with Him at all?

Meeting up with long time friends never fails to remind me how little we know of each other. Our knowledge of each other is really so shallow, sometimes i don't even know what to talk bout anymore. I long to share with you the other side of me you probably never saw but i just don't know where to start. To tell you from the beginning its so ancient we'll never get to the top in that few hours. But to not tell you at all would seem unfair; to call you my closest friends and yet if someone asked us about us, all we know is each other's course, uni and the personality we seem to see. The reality; of course we don't really know. Isn't that what everyone else knows too?
Its such an irony, the fact that i know so many people from so, so long ago, yet i don't actually know them. Neither do they know me well enough to be the pages of my diary if i ever lose my memory.
I wish i had a friend who could be those pages, who could tell me what i was thinking even if i didn't speak a word. Someone i can tell everything and anything to, even if its about them.

Just thinking of it makes me emo, i feel the jealousy creeping in already. I know God could fill that place but just having a physical friend that fits that bill is perhaps a little more securing? Or maybe God didn't intend for some to have those sort of friends for reasons i really would like to know too. So we could learn to lean on Him even more maybe since He know's if we had one we would then depend on them instead?

have you met people who, all they seem to do is complain? They come back to their sit and complain to you, who sits behind them, and to the other close friend that sits beside them, an again, to those of the same kind,in the next class . To them, if it doesn't go their way, its not the right way then. If its not to their convenience, something should be done about it. But not them. Their only job is to complain and gather symphathy and hope that things would change. If they deserve it, i wouldn't be blogging here. But the fact is, they do not.
As for these people i came across, they complained they weren't treated fairly as compared to the rest of us. They thought they deserved better, they thought they were under-graded. If you prepared a report by just copying from wikipedia,(without any editing at all) , copied a nicer picture to make the cover, then handed it in a few days late; you tell me they marked you wrong?

Good luck to them, but the world does not revolve around them, in case they haven't yet noticed.

With tonnes of them beside me, i can't help but feel smart. But then again, it makes me feel degraded too. I came to a place of higher learning expecting more, expecting to be challenged mentally, not to lose out in my quest for knowledge, but the only challenge i find is the courage to stand against the culture i see. The challenge to not procrastinate does not count, I'd get that anywhere.

Imagine this: The lecturer tells the assignment brief and explains well enough with examples too, not once, not twice....but every week, 4 weeks already. The mates come in every week, show him some sketches, he assumes they understand. Then when he does not approve after 4 weeks, he realizes they do not understand. Again he explains. Does that help? No. So what is it they do not understand?

mates:"Sir, what is motif?"

lecturer: "*slaps his forehead* I told you before!!..patterns. I want you to find and incorporate traditional patterns into your design!"

mates: "So we draw the motifs in our design?"

lecturer: "*sighs*
" Up to you lar whether you want to just put it there or however you can think of"

Thank goodness I am not the lecturer. I'd slap their head. Not mine.

Have you ever thought about God and all He's unexplainable actions and how 'cruel' some seem to be? Like taking away a parent from what could have been a pretty sweet family. Or letting a child, a very intelligent, great guy, one we girls wouldn't wanna miss; letting him go at the prime of his teens. Or even taking back a mum's life even after tonnes of prayers and fasting, leaving her young children to question, to search, to be extra vulnerable....what if they stop trusting then? What if, with a father to love, she would not need to depend on a guy to love her? Maybe then she would wait and trust Him to bring the right man, instead of playing god herself? God really has a different way of doing things and i guess a bigger plan for them. oh well, if we could understand all His plans, we would be God then, aint it?

I still wonder too whether this course is really God's plan for me; or was it my decision made purely out of rebellion? It has been fun indeed, a very different kind of learning, challenging but not that i really enjoy challenge, a kinda weird environment, yet very pressuring when I have no ideas at that crucial moment. And it can last for days. I am 2 weeks away from the half of the semester, time is not on my side. The pressure is building fast, especially when my classmates already have their designs approved and I am still cracking and knocking my brain to think, holding my eyelids up so I don't fall asleep, one pretty ok idea is birthed and then nothing again.
But then it isn't hard to keep dreaming of other things, and each time tonnes of ideas for anything else spills over like a waterfall, but no Mulan. (my theme this sem is fairytales and i chose Mulan)
Whoever thought design was one easy feat should swallow their words right now. I wish God's voice would just boom from above, or write on the wall or anything that is so obvious I'd be stupid not too realise!!

Enough of the emo-ness.

If you've been expecting a Raub post, my dress, camp post and birthday post, wait ever more patiently=D. Whatever that needs pictures is looonnng, and blogger hangs each time i try to arrange those pics. How annoying!

Till then....patience is a virtue;)

Friends

Met one lucky day, was it chance or a step outside our shell?

Chat and laugh the next, because birds of a feather flock together.

Then you disappeared,

And I wondered.

But thank God for technology, distance is now but a click away.

I see you, virtually.

I remembered you all these years

The question is, do you still remember me?

I'm sure we've all got friends like them. I read about them now, since I have no idea where they are. (thank God for blogs!)

Theres so many things I want to ask, friendships to rekindle, contacts to be re-established. I will remember to take down your phone numbers or msn now.

Its sad we never really got to talk bout much. Especially when I see now we've quite a bit in common interest. I love shopping too and I want to try shopping online, but I'd like you to teach me.

Was it really that we never got a chance to talk? Or was it purely shyness? Oh God, give us another chance!

Parents tell their kids to apologise for their wrongdoings. But when the mistake is theirs, all too often a sorry is not even heard. Instead they nag away and make it sound as though the fault was yours, again.

Teachers mark their students wrong for their mistakes; fair enough. But what if the teacher themselves made the mistake? Or worst, barely know the subject matter themselves, and marks the student wrongly? They too won't usually be the ones to apologise; neither would they accept your correction with grace.

Sounds familiar?

i wonder why is it so hard for us to just apologise? What would we lose? Seriously. Lose the pride and gain a friend. Don't lord it over others, you'll likely never to earn anyone's respect that way, no matter how good, how smart or how rich you are. All we (or I at least) hope for is equality and openness.

If you made a mistake, you apologise

If you are corrected, accept it. (no use pretending your good at what you know you're not=)

If your views are challenged, hear it out.

You're not always right.

Tis the season to get together!

Should I smile? Should I distant myself? Should I speak?

Would you want me there? Would he want me there?

You tell me! (cos I can't read you)

What happens when your best friend gets together with her best friend? And you happen to hang out with the both of them practically everyday. You haven't seen them since they got together, but how would it be when you finally do?...hmh, I actually don't know if I'd want to know.

I imagined this would come, but I didn't give thought to what it'd be like when reality hits. I know its not new, I've been through this before, but I usually had an escape…..you.

Would I be jealous too? Would I feel weird?..you know what? It feels weird already. I don't know if I should lunch with you everyday now. Or..i don't know. I don't know what to don't know about too.

*sighhhh*

Don't hate me if I interrupt the moments

I'm really ignorant and blur

Hesitate not to tell me if you don't want me there

But tell me if you don't mind

I don't wanna lose a friend, I hope I won't.

Now, i really thank God i didn't choose to major in business. Twice i had that idea. twice i had that opportunity. if i did, dunoe what will happen to me now.
STUPID BUSINESS MANAGEMENT!!! annoying research.

stare. crap. blank.

this assignment is due in 7 HOURS and i'm only halfway done. good luck to....me.







ok. back to assignment.

think, crap, blank, crap , blank, crap , blank, blank ,blank, BLANK, BLANK!!!


*........AARGH......*

sitting on the chair
my laptop facing me
my book on my lap, opened
i read (or try to read)
but
all i see is a jungle of words.


i look again
i read again
still they're just words
words i cannot make any sense of
(no, they're perfectly fine)
its just ME.


yet again i (TRY) to read
(TRY) to analyze what i've read
(TRY to connect them with what i've learned
(TRY) to write it for my assignment

BUT

My mind is absolutely blank. It has been for days. B-L-A-N-K.
Seriously nothing is going in or going out. Not when it comes to this assignment.
I barely started.
And its due this Wednessday.


God help me!! i NEED NEED NEED to focus!!!

*i wish there was some huge green pasture on a mountain top somewhere near that i could just go and scream my lungs out*

GODISNOWHERE


God is no where OR God is now here?


i prefer God is now here.
well, He is not just here now but, he was here just now and He'll be here later too.
thank God for that cos i really really really need You here!! i know i can't do aLL this with my own strength. it IS utterly impossible. there's just to much to juggle and no matter how much i try, (or TRY to try) i still struggle.

God help me pleassseeee!!!

since when did i care bout politics? bout elections and ministers, government and opposition and what nots? hmh...my parents are. everyone around me is, surprisingly even my close friends are. guess it rubbed on me. as much as i don't like it, its scary in a way too. especially when every few minutes i hear the opposition winning, or the coalition's top guns losing. i'm shivering already!!!! what would happen to us? would our everyday life be still what we've come to know as normal? what if......? gosh, i don't even wanna think about it anymore.
i'm as unsettled as the waves of a roaring sea? like a tornado forming in my brain. i can't think straight, and i can't do work.
no, i'm not thinking bout the polls. no wait. i don't even know what i'm thinking or what i should be thinking. its all jumbled up. even simple things like which assignment i should start with seems like an impossible task. what is wrong with me?!
all's not well.
i'm not clear what i'm suppose to fill my concept board with. pictures of what? kate beckinsale only? how am i going to find enough interesting pictures to fill that A3 board?. what is a concept board anyway?
i don't know what outfit to design, what material to use. was at a loss when i went to kamdar on friday. i was totally blank on what to find. i give up so easily when i don't see what i imagine!!
again i start to think. do i really want to do this? i don't like sewing and i shiver at the prospect of having to sew my own design in just a matter of a few weeks. to top it, i hear that we'll be having a fashion show for our designs too at the end of the semester, that's like what....3 months?

exciting, yes. anxious and frustrated too.

3 months tooooo long.

what have i been doing all this while? lets see


hols started in mid nov....so i'll start recalling from then.
hmh.........

the day i passed up every single assignment i had, my mum left for sabah with the rest of my siblings except my sister la. aand...me and my friends did not go to uni at the same time, so i did not get to hang out with them on the last day =(......so, me being the 'kuai lui', returned home to an empty house and 'enjoyed' the rest of the day watching tv and dvds. pathethic kan?

then the next few days were none less torturing. the earlier i wake, the more energy i would need just thinking of how i would spend my time. when i was busy with assignments, i had a whole mental list of what i wanted to do during the hols. but when hols actually came, i, being the lazy bum, suddenly just didn't feel like doing anything anymore.

since i couldn't figure out what to do, my parents decided they'd take advantage of my time and use it for their work. so, i had to go everywhere, anywhere, running THEIR errands. well, at least i get paid. hahahahaha

then in december, things started picking up. my friends too started their hols, friends came back from outstation= hanging out!!! then came camp, in mid dec. and my cousins after that. too bad my sis didn't have a hol then....no shopping kaki=( and it feels weird to not shop with my sis. but i still had fun going out with my cousins. gosh, they're SOOOOO tall! dread standing beside them.cis, geram! lol

next was christmas....nothing different from other years tho', and new year......haih......why do we not do anything special, memorable, different on these days?? oh there was the holidays with thc cousins at camerons...funnnnn!


jan 2008: back to square 1. but now with my mum around....can't go around doing what i like in peace. every few minutes there will be the resounding voice calling me to do this and that and everything else. not that i do though...not so kuai anymore.


but, thanks for equally bored friends...we decided to do something crazy! one week we stayed over at stef's, the next week at mine. we can do nothing but talk for 4 hours in that same shop and yet continue again for another 8 hours later in the night!! then stef came up with an impromptu idea: go do a photoshoot at uni! of all places..haha. but thats what we did on tuesday. we even asked marg to ponteng one day of kerja just to be with us...such 'loving' friends we are. and ponteng she did..MONKEY JOKER!!!


then that night we went and celebrate deb's b'day! i absolutely love The Magical Theatre, except that it left my hair smelling like smoke. eewwwww.......................that was 29 jan already

now Feb, CNY!!!! yeah, this year was Good! all because the 4 days of school holidays the government gave my lil' siblings was well spent visiting people and collecting ang pows..wahahahahhah and because I still had hols, i went with the remnants of the FORM 6-ers to visit our friends. ish, why your hols so short wan? tradisi tak dapat dicompletekan. sigh.

there's still my uni friends!! thank God for them, such lovable darlings. went visiting some of them and stayed over at stef's yet again...haha. no reason why.

and 25th uni's starting!!!