September's Rhapsody

Waking up to the sound of bells

2010-08-28T12:20:00.003+08:00

Having a primary school somewhere on the right and a secondary school on the left is really no fun! As if the Singapore sun rising at 7am is not early enough, the school bells ring, songs blare fr the speakers and the principal trying to quieten his students should be enough to wake anyone up. Not to mention its a HDB flat. Meaning, there's just so much motion and noise you should just wake up though back at home this is WAY TOO EARLY.

I think I see my parents smiling (...if they ever read this). Over here, house rules is to not sleep so late. Late, meaning 11pm. And to not wake up so late, meaning 9am max. But thats ok, the waking up I mean. With school bells and songs blaring, drilling and wedding gongs, I can't possibly sleep any longer. But sleeping early?!..hmm, that's been a bit difficult. I feel like I have not done much work. Everyday I feel like I could have done more if I could just cut back on sleeping time, then I would be pretty much on time to hand in well done assignments.

The standard here is really high! If you thought doing a comparison assignment was just a table, pictures and pointform thing, you're way way wrong!. One of my class mate made it to look like a magazine spread, even the cover was like a magazine cover! Another made it like a story, like comparing is 2 friends wardrobe. Mind you, we weren't told to do it that way, we were just told to compare. Talk about kiasu!

Home is where the heart is

2010-08-24T09:25:00.003+08:00

Hello there! Its been 1 month since I left my beloved home. Truly, home is where the heart is. The place where I had a somewhere to call my own, the room door I could lock if I wanted to hide myself away, the study room I could stay awake past 3am just so I could try to finish assignments, the washing machine I could throw everything in so I won't have to spend time hand washing everything!

There is really so much to miss, I can't possibly list it here, I'll just bore you to sleep! So many things I never cared about that suddenly seem like haven to have them now. Cue, the washing machine!

2010-07-10T00:59:00.002+08:00

When life throws you lemons, what do you do? Make lemonade, eh?
"But I don't like sour!", you say. Deal with it! You can't always have sweet, you'll just kill yourself slowly.

So life don't always provide you with everything you want the way you want it. But hey, if life here was perfect we won't need heaven anymore!

I've learned that we can't always have everything our way. We can't expect things to be the same everywhere. We've just got to learn to be flexible, but not too much though.

So the next time life throws you lemons, make lemonade and sprinkle with a little sugar.

2010-06-21T23:21:00.005+08:00

{Death: I'm sure we all know what this is, no need for definitions }

{Morbid: according to Wikipedia, it is a diseased state, poor health or disability}

{Taboo: strong social prohibition}

And for as long as life has been,
Death=Morbid=Taboo

We shy away from the topic of death.
We shudder at the thought of it.
At the mention of death, a chill is sent down our spine.

And Death is followed by Memories. Good, bad, forgettable?.......take your pick.

Up to 10 years ago, memories of the dead would pretty much, only be read out during private memorials, maybe shared with the 'next generations', and thats about it. Even if the Late was an evil, hardly many would know.
But today, there's facebook, and twitter and blogs and whatever web based applications. The comments would be all across the world in seconds!

How would you like your memorial to sound like? What last comments would you like the world to see on your page?

2010-06-18T23:47:00.003+08:00

Today, 18th June 2010 @ 3.2o pm

At the roadside stall, the pak cik exclaimed loudly that yet another accident took one too many lives from the same family. I didn't much think of it. After all, there's just too many accidents happening every day!

After cg, on the way home @10+ pm

A friend was commenting about the same accident. The world became smaller, or so it seemed. It was his friend's, friend's family.

After cg, at home on facebook@ 11pm

A friends page. The same accident. But this time, time seemed to skip a beat. The world is brought even closer. My good friend lost his friend. God brought him Home.

A moment later,

Another friend's page. Again the same accident. Now my world seems to have shrunk so small, how did God put so many people I know, to know that same family, or specifically that one person? If the heart had a trigger button, someone had set it to trigger the crash button right about now.
I didn't need to know the person to feel this way. Just the fact that many of my friends lost their friend is enough to make me sad. The biggest impact probably had to be that my friend, whom I'd gotten to know better during form 6 years, SHE, lost the shoulder she could cry on, lost the hug she could receive, lost the warmth of love she gave and received.

To you my dear friend, be strong, be very strong. He would have wanted that of you too. And know that even if we do not know why it happened, God did not cause it. But HE allowed it and HE knows what HE's allowing. There is a reason for everything, one day HE would make it known to us too.

Don't give up on life, don't give up on God!

2010-06-11T22:33:00.004+08:00

Praise the Lord because my God answer's prayers!

Now I know pure JOY!
**************************************
The months of praying,
The buckets of tears.

The crushing thoughts,
Self condemnation.

**************************************
Really, I am my worst critic. Most of us are ain't it so? From the moment I answered the first question during the interview, my critic-self was telling me 'great, you're doomed! you're so not gonna pass this'. Obviously I didn't do that well during interview. I mostly couldn't answer the question, and gave little 'smart' answers that really just showed them lecturers that I'm probably one of those with a hollow head who thinks they're the best anyway. (eg. dumb blondes, or in this case just another dumb black) They asked me why I wanted to do this course? I didn't know why. All the time I've been thinking while preparing for the interview, I couldn't answer that too.

Then the months of waiting, thus my previous posts. Wait, wait and wait some more. All the 'what're you doing now?/ i thought you wanted to do this?/eh, i heard you're gonna go somewhere?'. Definitely not helping either. I know, I don't blame anyone. Just curiosity, after all its not that I see them everyday.
But waiting really is torture!...With each passing day I wake up and contemplate to pursue or to give up. Should I continue studying? Should I just get a job? What if I'm not accepted there? Would I want to do another 2 and a half long years? Should I give up? Should I pray harder?
I should pray harder.

And so I did. And cried a lot too. Ok make that I wanted much to lock myself in the room till I get the reply I wanted to hear, because tears just wanted to flood my eyes everytime i thought of it. Which is all the time, unless I was doing something else, which coincidentally, is hardly. But because I hate to be seen crying by anyone even my family members, I would swallow back those tears before it could leak out the corners of my eyes.

Alas I finally received what I've been praying for! The next chapter of my life, in Singapore=)

2010-05-26T23:27:00.002+08:00

Its 6 months down the road. All direction you ever thought you had has been washed away by storms of worry, your little pebble markers scattered by ambiguous winds. That dream you once harboured?..See it shatter, splinter, strayed to every corner of the never ending maze. There's still a piece you hold, afraid to let it go, as though your very life depended on that tiny puzzle piece.

But the weight of the piece, it makes you crumble slowly. It hinders your move at every step. It takes the light out of the day and the stars out of the night. Or maybe thats what you've allowed it to do.

Still, that piece has been a tiny glint of Hope you've been clinging on to ever since you started this journey. Should you hold on? or is it time to let it go?

How do you glimpse light in this blinding darkness?
How do you journey on without answers?
and yet hope to be found on the right track.

2010-05-07T22:43:00.002+08:00

Another day passes
I'm still looking,
Still walking,
Still thinking,
Still wondering.

Would it just be a dream?
A dream...
Cooked to perfection in a silver pot,
Served on a diamond platter,
Laced with gold.

I wish it was just round the corner,
I'd stretch my hands,
And there it'll be,
On the palm of my hand,
For all to see.

But reality hits,
The dream's now but a blur.
Moving further,
Fading.

I don't know it anymore.

2010-04-04T00:12:00.007+08:00

Its the time of the year once again where Easter eggs are painted, Easter bunnies hop around and the holidays....for those lucky few. Then there's Good Friday, where Christ journey to the Cross is often enacted in plays everywhere. And tomorrow.. (wait, its already tmr=]) is Easter.
Today Christ arose again, and the sun is shining once again! And I say this because, I have noticed that every time its Good Friday, it always rains and many people have this sombre face plastered on.

But put the holidays and bunnies and eggs aside, what is Good Friday and Easter after all? After all the plays and stories replayed year after year, its quite hard not to know that Good Friday and Easter is all about the crucifixion of this one Man, Jesus Christ and His rising from the dead. All the pain and suffering just so our ancestors, us and the generations after us wouldn't have to die on the cross at the end of time. But why?

I often wondered. Jesus Christ; He was 100% human on this earth, yet He was also 100% God at the same time.
Why would He who knew all things beforehand, choose Judas as one of the Twelve disciples? Why would He allow his betrayer to be by His side when He knew what kind of death He would eventually go through?
Why give up His crown, His position, His glory and all of Heaven's beauty to come down to this earth, all of its filth, embrace the life of mankind, the growing up, the working and worst of all, the most painful death when He did absolutely NO wrong?

Today, I know why. Love is one, yes the greatest. I knew that long ago, but I still questioned why. As I wondered why I did not feel the sombreness of the season, I read again the chapters of His crucifixion and rising, 'cos really, there must be something wrong with me for not understanding the depth of this greatest sacrifice. Why would this Man who did no wrong, whom I have not seen with me physical eyes, is willing to take up that cross??? O.B.E.D.I.E.N.C.E

Thats it! Obedience. If you loved with all of your everything, your father, you would want to obey him as best as you can, won't you? If you loved your girl/boyfriend or your husband/wife..you would want to fulfill all their wishes even if it sounded crazy, won't you?

And obedience lead Him to the way of sorrows, all the way to the Cross. Being fully human then, he agonised. He felt the pain even before the questioning began. He sweat blood and cried to the Father to take the cup (the suffering/cross/ death by crucifixion) away from Him, but He ended the prayer with..."..but I want Your will, not mine."

Imagine this: What if Jesus said this instead "..you know what, this is my life, my body. Why should I suffer for these people's sins? They are the ones who commited those sins..liars, cheats, polygamist, murderers, evil masterminds, adulterers, gossip queens...........
Then,
there would not have been victory over death,
there would not have been victory over sickness,
and we would all need to die on the cross too when our time came!

Obedience really is never easy. But without obedience there is no victory. Jesus obeyed though it meant He did not have freedom over his body, He obeyed though he would have to be humiliated, He obeyed all the way.

Obedience is a choice, Jesus chose obedience and won the battle for us all. Will I also choose obedience and live victorious because of the Cross?
Will you?

2010-03-10T17:26:00.005+08:00

What to do? Where to study? Would it take too long? Would I survive on my own?

Would there be enough money? Would it eat into my siblings funds? Would I be a burden?

Is it the right thing to do? Would I be embarking on a journey I envisioned myself? Would it not be a plan He had for me? What if it wasn't? How will I know??

What if it isn't for me, but I went on ahead without realising? Would I stumble and fall so bad I won't rise up again? Or would I rise up but head the Other way?

What if it was, but I pulled the brakes and scrapped the plan before it could begin, because I thought I wouldn't pull through? Because I thought that it wasn't wise to spend more money on an education I'm not sure would bring me far? Because I didn't have faith that He would provide?
Would that be my end? Would there be no turning back? Would there be another chance to redeem the time lost doing things I wasn't meant to?

How will I know?
When will I know?

I guess, like the song says.....EVERYTHING, including the answers I so desperately want to know, IN ITS TIME.

2010-01-29T00:51:00.002+08:00

In the crowd, the peoples wave, the smiles returned
They pass, their faces blurred, their footsteps fade
You passed, you smiled
But did you see?

Every week, every month
And for many years,
Do you remember?

Acquaintance come, acquaintance go
Here today and gone tomorrow
The first day, acquaintance
The second day, acquaintance
And for a 1000 months thereafter,
they're still acquaintances.

But, do they care?

2009-09-08T16:57:00.002+08:00

Wow! its been months. And to be blogging about what i'm about to write, right here, right now.....I never thought i'd had the courage to let this come online where just about anyone who may stumble on this blog would read my embarassing moments, but I just had to. Just had to let go, let myself release those pent up emotions, and remind myself that today i promised myself I WILL BE STRONG.

I hardly understand why but everytime in this class, i would shed tears. Any little shelling, or just a little questioning I would tear. Bucketsfull if I don't pull it all in again. Is it the stress? Is it the frustratation? Is it fear? I don't know. For the past year, almost every week, this would be the case. Embarassing aint it? If my classmates were to be talking about it, I wouldn't ever want to know too. But they sure have been nice, comforting me and telling me its ok, its normal, that they too cry buckets...just at home.

Its not that i want to cry out here in public. If I could control those tears I'd never ever shed a tear where anyone could see me. I hate to cry. It makes me feel like a weakling. Probably its 'cos Im already small in stature that I like to feel strong. Little things like not being sick in the past few years despite all the irregularmy sleeping hours is some sort of an accomplishment to me.

So today wasn't any different. All it took was a little remark, not meant to hurt. All he said was that I should've come earlier to see him, cos I always came at the last minute and I could feel those hot tears pushing out of my eyes. Luckily I managed to hold back long enough for him to say a few more words and leave. Then again it came. Everytime the same. I wished I was at home, behind the closed doors of my beloved sanctuary, my bed. Then I could cry and bail away till I had nothing left to cry about. But it never happens. When I'm at home, those tears would all dry up. Worst still, even when I'm at home and those tears start forming, I would pull them in again as fast as I could.

And now in the quiet of this classroom, where all my classmates have left and its only me here waiting for the bus, I write this to remind myself that I must be strong. I cannot cry so easily again. Like my classmate said, I have to pull myself together. Now its my final semester. I'm sure its not gonna get any easier in the real world. I really need to get out of this phase fast, cos it would be extra humiliating to be crying all the time at the workplace. Those people out there in this industry would never leave you in peace if this happens even once out there.

Tonight I would go home and cry it all away and let God do the healing. I would let Him replace my insecurities with His love, joy and peace. He said we are more than conquerors, I will claim it and conquer this phase. In Him I shall be strong!

2009-06-15T23:15:00.003+08:00

People and manners. They don't come together.
Period..

Even after seeing the bus or train overloaded with people they still want to squeeze their way in. How annoying, this brainless people. I like the guy who shouted "oih! mau orang kat dalam sini mati ke? kita kat dalam ni, diri pun tak boleh, lagi mau masuk?!"

In short, he was scolding those ppl outside the train,cos after seeing the train so packed with people, they still want to push their not-so-little bodies in into the already-worst-than-sardin packed train. Prove is your little writer over here.

I got in the train at Subang. Thanks to the train delay, the amount of people at the station was just overwhelming. So the pushing starts. I could still stand straight when i just got in. There wasn't anywhere to hold, but not that i need them anyway. It was too packed too fall from the sway of the train. Then we came to the next station, and smart peoples still wanted to push their way in. Now I was slightly imbalanced, senget more like. I could hardly stand straight.

At the next station, still some non reasonable people pushed their way in. Needless to say I was pushed even more. I had to hold on to my sister (luckily we could go together today) because i was standing tip toe on one leg and the other leg couldn't even find ground to stand.

By the next station, I slowly started to lose more ground! Now I can't even stand straight at all. With one leg still on tip toe and the other leg not on ground, my body began to curve with all their pushing. I was standing in such an odd manner, if i didn't have my sis to hold on to I would just have fallen and probably be trampled on? Really, what is wrong with people?!

And the train continues on its journey to the next station. By now, I am standing in a 'C' shape. Odd enough? My leg still on tip toe, remember? The other leg, I finally managed to get it to hold some ground. Not fully, just enough to tip toe. Thats all I could push for in that crammed up train.
Weird eh? All because beside me is a bag on the ground, which took up some precious space. After that station, I couldn't stand any longer. All the pushing made me fall... onto the bag. Sorry to the bag owner, I hope there's nothing fragile in it. Its not my fault if there was anyway. Blame those silly people still pushing their butts in.
Well, at least I got a free 'chair' to sit on. Wahahahaha! Of course I tried not to put my whole weight on the bag, I ain't that evil nor desperate for a chair.

Phew! Im just glad that that was the last 2 stops. I came out soon enough and finally could breathe fresh air and feel my feet on the ground once again. What a relieve!

And I told myself, if ever I have to take public transport during peak hours, it won't be the KTM. The pushing and squashing in the bus is still more bearable than the train's. Oh trust me, I've got stories bout beeing squashed in the bus too. Not once, not twice, so many times! But, I shall not make this post any longer. You get the message already!.

2009-06-13T23:04:00.009+08:00

Its finally holidays!!!!..yea!!
*see the smile so wide on the stressed filled face with eyes so small decorated with ugly eye bags*

This is (was) my semester 5.

The semester that ended so bad I wished it never started. Yet, I would never trade this semester because I did what i had always dreamed to.

So I'll hope and pray I'd pass.

Semester 5 in a nutshell:-
1) Paroimia took up 3 quarters of my sem, sem 5 would not be sem 5 without it. Meetings after meetings, and my homework fell backward. =)Yet, i absolutely LOVE Paroimia, from the show to the people and the work too!

~Memories from Paroimia 2009~

2) Then semester started in late Feb. We didn't get the lecturer we alllll were looking forward too!!!! *What to do???* yea, we fought but to no avail. (We, meaning 5 of us out of the 24 in the class..hmph!) This col really love to trick us. They promised us a diff lecturer, suppossedly a designer fr Germany who had previously worked with famous designers in NY. But what did she do? eversince she's here, not even 1 person has not been pissed by her. In short, she's just trouble. She never once taught us. Silly us for the fat hopes we had, thinking a European lect with that experience would do us good. Silly us again for thinking that the col ever had its students in mind. We heard they reduced the better lecturer's amount of class for she commanded a higher pay. You see, usually she would teach both semester 5 and 6 for this particular subj. But this time round they only gave her semester 6.....again because they petitioned so much the last sem.

3) A month since she entered, she now shows her colours. What does she want? a Batik fashion show....right smack in the midst of our finals. Doing the batik, draping the cloth, attending her silly meetings which herself never showed up......took so many precious days and weeks of our semester!!! thus many of us were very late in getting our finals approved and done. In the end, after much squabbling and flying spiteful comments, we and our lecturers did the fashion show...without her. The first time, i dare say, the lecturers and students were in unity, in making the show a success.

Draping the 2 m cloth weeks before fashion show

My model wearing my batik.

4) This sem, I also went for my very first fashion show. Not attending as a guest, but helping backstage with a few of my classmates and a few other coursemates form semester 2 and 4. It was AN experience, literally. One we all never want to repeat. We were treated like free slaves, shouted at, scolded, called useless by a model and '...like rats' by that international designer who really have no respect for people. None of us 24 students from my uni wanted to help him. We all stuck to helping Agatha Ruiz de la Prada...the nicer, more respectful designer from Madrid.

5) It was a really busy sem too, both for me and Stef, for we only went lunch 3 or 4 times together. Partly due to the fact our classes time really clashed....she had mainly evening classes, mine was all morning. I misssss you so much gal!! And John.....i only saw you like 3 or 4 times around uni!!!

6)But that proved good for me and my classmates. Since Christina would only come for class after lunch, I became closer to the rest of my classmates. I only regret not knowing them earlier=]
During one of our visual merchandising class...them posing as mannequins=)

7) what else?....at the end of this sem, I will be doing my internship. The college got me Beatrice Looi....so, MOnday's the first day. Looking forward to seeing whats installed for me and my friend there!

8) the other day my bro told my mum that she should graduate with me. lol. All because during this last week since MOnday (the day before my presentation) my mum and the rest of my family too worked tirelessly to help me finish=) Love them too bits..i dunno what I'd do without them.! They slept late nights, especially my mum who had one whole night without sleep too just to help me finish my garments and then having to send me there as well. They had to do my chores for the past 3 weeks cos my mum kindly relinquished all duties of me so i can concentrate on finishing. On top of that, I made them help me do anything I thought they could handle like pleating cloth, marking with chalk, painting one of my fabrics ( we had to use batik for our final), putting silicate solution all over the fabric....anything! So funny, my dad was so worried he wondered if i needed to send my garment to the tailor!.

9) oh and guess what? I forgot to take photo of my models wearing my garments again!=) so till i steal those pics of the col photographers hands....no photos for you..haha. the sad thing is, i only managed to finish 2 garments out of 3 in time for the presentation....with no boards i entered into that torture room. Obviously, he (my lect) scolded me...ish so memalukan..dahlah the models there. I really abslutely hope to passsss and not lose my scholarship! Christina and Stef can pleaase kick me to work faster next sem!!!

*sorry, all unedited photos cos i just started my hols. I shall learn how to edit photos soon.

2009-02-16T14:50:00.011+08:00

9PM, Tuesday, 10th Feb: The Day Aussie Won

To:

You.
You that I've known for so long
the right question should be 'When did I not know you?'

Though we seldom shared secrets,
Though we seldom called or messaged,
Though we seldom hanged out;

The times we did chat, however general the topics may seem
I always felt blessed I had you as my friend,
The times we called frantically wanting to know if you'd be going
or persuading one another to go,
cos we both never wanted to be alone,
The times we went out, be it just us or
with the parents or the groups that brought us together
All our funny silly moments,
remember when we couldn't move our boat in Malacca,we had to be pulled?
remember the karaoke session, and that miserable meal?
remember that shopping where we both bought 2 same tops?

It makes me smile to know I could pop in your house anytime,
the time we stayed so near.
But then you shifted and i missed the random popping in,
though through the years it had become less frequent.
Then one morning, I woke up to hear you downstairs,
Surprised I was, but equally happy too.
That one morning became many mornings and afternoons and nights.
My house now became a familiar place
you could hang out while waiting.

When you told me your plans to go abroad
I secretly wished you wouldn't.
But then again, what kinda friend is a selfish one?
So I relented and thanked God for internet.

Though 3 hours is a quite a difference,
We'll still meet.
I'll come earlier, you'll stay a lil bit later.
I guess we can't take this friendship for granted any longer.
Its time we put in a little more effort and
make the friendship all the more worth cherishing.
(Not that it isn't now=])

Here's a toast to You while you're over there.
Cheers to our friendship,
Cheers to a new chapter in your life,
Cheers to waiting to see you in Dec!!

2009-02-08T23:28:00.003+08:00

I found an old band i loved so much!!!! It was a song tape given to me by a friend in primary sch..haha shows how old this is. And recently the only tape player left i have spoiled. argh!!!!!
So when i found this on you tube....and this is the only song from this band i've found so far.... i was happpppppy=) Now, i've just gotta find a way to save it into an mp3 or wma format.

p/s: anyone who has any song from this band..i want i want!!!!! hahaha

Brother's Keeper: I Saw Heaven

Counted amongst them guys

2009-02-04T00:01:00.003+08:00

Now,
what if you were a girl, but always mistakenly counted as one of the other gender? Yes, the guys.
hmmmhh..........

That is exactly what happens to my youngest sister A-L-L the time!
because she is the youngest she's got no bed of her own in the 'girls' room.
because she is the youngest she had to share the room with the boys.
because she is the youngest and born after 2 boys she always plays with them boys.

And because of that, many times when we call "Boys!", we mean her too.
Unintentionally, yes. For convenience, maybe. =]

2009-02-02T11:40:00.002+08:00

Today I drove all the way back from KLIA. My first time driving on a highway! I drove at 60km/hr, touched 80km/hr twice on a 90km/hr highway and at certain turnings dipped to 20km/hr! LOL I must certainly be a tortoise on the road that the PLUS Ronda truck travelled behind me for quite a stretch to make sure I would be fine.=)
I was at first wondering what could be wrong with the driver of this yellow truck behind me, for he did not overtake or switch lanes like just about everyone else who were behind me at first. Later only did my mum tell me that it was the PLUS Ronda team making sure I'm safe enough.
I thank God no one honked me, for I would have panicked and consented to drive at 90 and forgo my sense of control. Thank goodness too KLIA is near my Uni so once we got out of the airport area, we were on almost- familiar grounds. Almost, because if you ask me now to draw the road map for you I would probably miss out a few turns here and there. I know better if we were on the road itself.

I must have been a nuisance to others, but pardon me it was my very first time, and I'm of course afraid that If I went too fast I wouldn't be able to control well. So bear with it people who drive at 100+ on a 90km/hr freeway, you were once like me too!

2009-01-21T23:54:00.006+08:00

Going out with friends you've known since ages ago really does wonders to your soul.
it turns a frown into a smile,
brightens up your moody week,
and
brings back those memories
you never want to forget.

i love you girls! too bad San couldn't make it=(
Though we seldom meet, that laughter, the way you talk, your clumsiness (LOL!) ...it's like we never left school!!
Though the 2 of you seemed to be bantering medical terms back and forth, exchanging experiences and making me confused, haha, I, surprisingly didn't feel left out at all. So funny. Guess we just haven't met up for so long (1 1/2 years, Wai Ying!) that our differences didn't matter anymore, just as long as we had that few hours together chatting and recollecting memories and trying to guess what happened to the rest of our classmates.

2009-01-19T23:57:00.008+08:00

What's better than turning 21?

Turning 21 and Getting Married the same year too!

While all the past times i have been to weddings, it was either and aunty or uncle's, or the child of my parent's friend (which i don't know, usually), these time around, it's the wedding of my own friends! People i actually know and have spoken to. That makes the event even more special to me.

Last Friday i attended the wedding reception of a friend i sadly never really gotten to know well enough. We did talk, little though and usually the casual questions about studies and life in general. I guess having different cliques, that were really opposites, amongst a great sea of peers all these years didn't do us any good. Her actual wedding date was in December last year , so technically she did get married at 21. Yes, she is MY AGE!

Wonderful isn't it to make that all important decision at a considerably young age? I really admire them for their decision

So, to the newly wedded couple, may 2009 be especially special for you both as you embark on a new journey. Congratulations and may God bless you two as you step into a new phase in life together!

2009-01-14T23:53:00.003+08:00

I wish i could hug you each time you call me,
each time your sobs drown your voice
and all i can hear is the sorrow background
of pain, and hurt, and questions unanswered.

2 years ago i thought i was watching a Bollywood drama,
as your life unraveled it was just so unbelievably stage like
your drama-filled life, the endless troubles you ran into,
so hilarious and frustrating,
how it always came back to that same point,
yet you never listened when we told you so.

Maybe if you persevered long enough you would see
that glimmer of hope at the end of this long, dark tunnel?
maybe if you would hold on and hang on and never let go
you would see the wonderful plan He mapped out for you long before you existed?

Maybe if you would pray a little harder, trust a little more and doubt a little less
maybe if you would allow yourself to breathe again, and live life again.

There must be more to your life than these,
oh Lord, put the smile back on her face again
and the laughter back in her voice again!

And remember:
WE will always be here for you.

2008-12-28T01:33:00.004+08:00

HELP! Tell me I'm not emotionless

Even if i barely laugh at your jokes
Even if your incessant laughter fails to infect me
Even if your shocking news causes me to only say "oo",
Even if after you've poured your heart out and all i could muster is a weak smile.

I wanted to hug you, but i dared not.
I wanted to laugh out loud, but i just could not.
I wanted to tell you what i thought of it, but i was afraid.
I wanted so much to be that pillar of strength you so needed then, but i just lost all words,
I was blank, once again.

I can't help but notice how emotionless i have become over the past few years. Read me right, I am NOT totally emotionless, just maybe emotionless to some, full of emotion to others? Sound's like my emotions have moods too. Funny thing, but to some people, its almost impossible to allow my true emotions to show, even to hug them feels weird. But to selected few, its just so natural, i'm probably only my truest then.

Sometimes theres so much going through my mind, but i just don't know where to start, i don't know how to tell you. Sometimes i don't even know if i want to tell you. I feel so bad for not sharing my opinions, but i go blank so often, its not that i don't want to but rather i can't. Makes me feel utterly useless, its like my very existence there is as good as invisible. I hate disappointing you, yet its so hard not too. I keep feeling so incompetent , you probably already thought of it before i even said anything.

Yet, know that i truly cherish you. I wouldn't trade anything for you, the friendship you gave me is what i look forward to everyday. Even though my expressions betray my emotions most of the time, know that deep inside i really want to
laugh aloud at your antics and jokes
hug you tightly and tell you how much i care
point out what i thought was weird
and let you in on my deepest secrets.

Tell me again that i'm not emotionless. I only hide my emotions really well, because being vulnerable is like having the 3 football fields thick wall around you suddenly smashed.

2008-12-14T01:18:00.003+08:00

You know whats hard when doing a tag?....its the caption and reasoning part. The tag is usually relatively easy, especially the one below. But to reason when the results are just so absolutely silly and have nothing to do with the question..hmph, thats the difficult part. And theres the part where the answers' scream your true feelings....don't you just feel like fabricating those results to save yourslf from the interrogations later on? heheheh

tagged by Aaron:

Put your iTunes/any other players on shuffle.
II. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
III. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
IV. Tag 11 friends who might enjoy doing this.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Er Zuo Ju (prank)

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
bu neng geng ni fen shou (can't stand breaking up with you)-----?????

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
here in my home ----aiyor, sound so wrong!

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
carry you home----huh?

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
someday i will understand----yer so depressing wan.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
ultimate you----hmh, being true to oneself, maybe?

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
better than me----wahahahha

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
enchanted: thats how you know .....lol. i don't know.

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
too little to late-----sigh, regrets...ain't it disheartening?

10. WHAT IS 2+2?
run into your arms-----i.am.speechless.

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
the potential break up song----ouch, that really HURTS!!

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
i think i love you---at least got berkaitan with the question.

13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
SMS----i like to sms a lot?...true also

14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
hoy me voy .........erm, i don't even know what it means.

15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
shut up and drive ...ahahahha, shut up n drive safely to the funeral parlour!

16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
goodbye's the saddest word-----wouldn't it be better if these was (15)'s answer?..hmph

17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
pokarekare ana

18. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
wo men zhen me le ......aduh, why does all my answers bend towards the negative??!

19. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
first love

20. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
sidewalks-----ouch this is sad!

21. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
too much to ask----yea, private question. LOL

22. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
autumn in my heart...HUH?

23. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
savages---hahahahaha

24. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
keep holding on---awwww

LOL my results are just so freaking silly, not to mention so tak berkaitan!

People I'd like to tag (In no order of preference ) :
1) aiyor
2) whoever
3) feels
4) that
5) urge
6) to
7) do
8) this
9) interestingly
10) lame
11) tag.

2008-12-11T17:49:00.003+08:00

SO you go blog hopping? I do to. In fact I think its a very exciting pastime, good or bad, it depends. If you have assignments and you're blog hopping then, nay, it ain't good. But if you happen to be very, absolutely free, then by all means=)

Why do I think its really exciting? Because I always stumble upon interesting reads, thought-provoking posts, inspiring works or glimpses of friends I haven't heard from for ages! Remember those 'kotak hitam' experiments we use to do in school? Blog hopping to me is like when you put your hand in that tiny hole at the top of the box, then you wiggle your way around trying to guess whats in it, and it usually turns out differently. It's like > *SURPRISE*< at the end of the hopping.

So nosy. Me ? Not that I'm a busy body, I'm not interested at what you've been up to (if you're not my friend), I just like looking for good reads, good pictures and ideas. And, hey, you put that blog up here, its not surprising if I stumble upon it, right am i?

Anyway, its funny how I go to peoples blogs and find out things I never knew, even if I sort-of-knew them for as long as I was in school. Back then, the only conversations we exchanged would be the occasional 'hi!', or the 'could you pick my pen for me please?' and neither would say anymore. Funny. Pathetic.

Then I go on further, and I discover they, who hardly spoke to one another then, whom no one would have guessed they would be at the same place, save at school; now in the same picture, posing with friends whom I know not. No, it wasn't a class picture of any sort. It was at an event that has nothing to do with college. So, they had something in common after all!

I look at the friends list, and pick out a name or two that I think I might know. Sometimes I guess right, sometimes it turns out to be a completely different person, sometimes its people I don't know after all. But even at these certain person I-do-not-know's blog, I find out he/she and I have a common friend! Small world right?

Lemme tell you again....blog hopping IS fun! Just know when to and when not. Self-discipline people! Me is still learning that;)

2008-11-28T23:53:00.005+08:00

I cannot understand how one can say they love their current other half, yet cannot see marriage with that person even after dating for quite awhile. If you don't really think you'll marry them, it implies that you'd probably eventually break up, no? And we all know that break ups causes heartaches, emotional pain and such. Yeah, you say you'll get over it eventually......REALLY? completely? think harder.

So, if you know you're gonna get wounded when it ends...why continue on with this 'temporary relationship'? why get together in the first place? why?.....to enjoy the moment then get yourself hurt after that? then bring that emotional baggage into your (probable) eventual marriage (to someone else, perhaps)?

i haven't blogged in a month!

2008-11-23T23:16:00.004+08:00

not that its anything to be surprised anyway. i decided i'd spare u all another truckload of emo posts. hahaha

finally the mad-rush-to-finish-every-single-asgmt month is over! yes, its holidays=]

this sem was really really really bad....i dunnoe what i have been doing cos it seemed as though i had 4 months worth of work to complete in the past 2 weeks. 'nuff said, i barely slept.

if i didn't have the help of my mum and allll my siblings i would never have finished in time. really thankful to them alll....my mum din sleep for 2 nights (not in a row lar) helping me tooo...dahlah the next day gotta drive me to uni to pass up.

next sem's i really absoloutely need to work faster, procrastinate much less, be more confident with my ideas....sigh cos ar, if i dun think my idea is right/ good i won't start my work wan lor.....bad bad. Someone please kick me if i dun work faster n harder next time!!!

2008-10-24T23:20:00.007+08:00

You thought you knew,

You thought you needed to try;

Now your paper heart bleeds,

Your crying buckets.

This heartbreak was never meant for you,

It was your choice that caused you this;

I had better plans installed for you,

All you had to do was to WAIT.

I offered you the perfect love,

But you wanted more,

I promised you I'd give you more;

…just not yet, you weren't ready.

You questioned why,

You wanted a clear answer;

Your friends voice was clear enough!

Instead you wouldn't listen;

..what do they know?

You went ahead anyway.

Sigh…..you only needed to TRUST me.

Now you come back crying.

All hope seems lost, your heart is shattered,

You gave more than you received,

You are drained to your very last.

You rejected me then; I could reject you now,

But because I love you more than you could ever imagine,

I am giving you the chance to HOPE; yet again.

2008-10-11T23:33:00.006+08:00

This morning i read about how sleep, or rather the lack of it, could affect our devotion time. For me, that slapped me right in the face! well.....i have been like an owl the past few weeks, finding it hard to keep my sleepy eyes open and heavy head up to do my work during the day, but when at night (past 12am) i am awake! Partly due to the fact I've been falling asleep so many times during the day already...lol
Then it goes on to say that researches have proven that the lack of sleep causes us to eat more than usual! Have to admit that can be true....cos i usually get very hungry if i stay up past midnight. Too bad my weighing scales is out, don't know if all those late night suppers' done wonders to my weight!!!! ...(or is ignorance bliss? hehe)
Remember the story in Acts, where Eutychus fell soundly asleep while Paul was preaching and dropped 3 floors down to his death? (later brought back to life through Paul la) and another one about Jacob who was so tired he could even use a rock for a pillow!! the Bible really has lotsa sound advice=]
When we don't have enough rest we find it hard to concentrate, or even give God His time. Or sometimes we (or me laaa) decide to spend a lil time for devotion, then i think twice and hw got the better of me. I start to feel guilty for not spending whatever little time i have to finish my asgmts. Bad choice, i know. Blame the laziness and indiscipline, now i've gotta work tripple times harder to finish all in 1 1/2 months; thus the late nights.
I know we young peeps love staying up late...cos, i dunnoe, but we all just seem to be doing that. haha. But the question is, is your staying up late/ sleepless nights causing u to spend less time with God or to not spend time with Him at all?

They actually have my name=]

2008-10-02T01:32:00.004+08:00

not exactly but got lar.

i'm talking bout this name quiz thing.
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyournameshiddenmeaningquiz

this is what i got:

What Shernai Means You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic “Type A” personality.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

quite true lar most of it.... but good in business and academia?.....hmh, maybe not.

2008-10-01T15:42:00.003+08:00

Meeting up with long time friends never fails to remind me how little we know of each other. Our knowledge of each other is really so shallow, sometimes i don't even know what to talk bout anymore. I long to share with you the other side of me you probably never saw but i just don't know where to start. To tell you from the beginning its so ancient we'll never get to the top in that few hours. But to not tell you at all would seem unfair; to call you my closest friends and yet if someone asked us about us, all we know is each other's course, uni and the personality we seem to see. The reality; of course we don't really know. Isn't that what everyone else knows too?
Its such an irony, the fact that i know so many people from so, so long ago, yet i don't actually know them. Neither do they know me well enough to be the pages of my diary if i ever lose my memory.
I wish i had a friend who could be those pages, who could tell me what i was thinking even if i didn't speak a word. Someone i can tell everything and anything to, even if its about them.

Just thinking of it makes me emo, i feel the jealousy creeping in already. I know God could fill that place but just having a physical friend that fits that bill is perhaps a little more securing? Or maybe God didn't intend for some to have those sort of friends for reasons i really would like to know too. So we could learn to lean on Him even more maybe since He know's if we had one we would then depend on them instead?

2008-09-27T12:41:00.021+08:00

How do you think a dam (empangan) looks like? A place with lotsa water and a wall nearby? That's what I thought too. Till I went on a family holiday last monday to wednessday to this place called the Tasik Temenggor Discovery Island. It's basically a resort somewhere in the dam surrounded by nature, eg trees, endangered animals and tonnes of insects.
It is indeed a beautiful place, for those who appreciate nature and a simple place devoid of air cond, television ....basically your cut off from the world outside to just enjoy God's wonderful creation. Really, once you reach the jetty in Grik, Perak; you still need to take a half and hour ferry ride to the resort. That is how deep inside the dam the place is. And all through the journey you see nothing but vast waters, and luscious green jungle islands. There's so many of this small islands if one were to venture out alone, you'll probably get lost, cos they all look alike.

In the boat house, with my dad watching my sister throw darts and in the background, the other couple that went there the same time we went. So basically we ate with them and hanged out with them when we weren't doing any activity la.
P/s: see the red dart flying?...yeay! I finally managed to capture that with my dslr after many tries. =P

And since we were a small group...9 guest only (7 fr my family and 2 the other couple), we got plenty of attention from the owner, Mr Steve Leong. Really good food, his-own-recipe sauce for BBQed potato, which he says he'll only give us on our 3^rd time to the place; and the first ever group of guest to use his new dining area! He even ate with us on our last night.

View from the dining area around 7 something at night. I made them stand there for 3.2 seconds. Hehe, but worth it don't you think? At first my dad was like "what?? No point lar, won't be clear wan"...but he agreed with me at the end Haha. A bit blur la, but I'm not pro ma, plus we didn't use a tripod, cos.......i didn't think of it?
If you're expecting a nice little room with nice beds and a nice toilet like those 4 or 5 star hotels, think again. Remember the key word.....N.A.T.U.R.E

Us in our chalets, which fits only 3 ppl. The outdoor toilet, with mountain water and no heater. Freeeeeeezing!!!
We went jungle trekking there, the guide saw the herd of elephants and made us all faster trek down to safety again...sigh..we were pretty near the top di!! My younger bro and sis heard the elephants too. On another trail we saw the rafflesia buds. The guide said "come back again la in 2 weeks time, it should open then"! Too bad no photos of those. My dad was holding the camera.
Kayaking was the best thing there, so my brothers say. Made my arms so tired, I think I did enough exercise for the week during the trip.

The owner personally carved out the fishes and all in the wall. The walls and all were made mostly of wood, trees and stones. The whole place really has the owner’s touch, you’ll know he’s a nature lover just by looking at the place.

the boat house from the dining area/ house.
All in all, a different kind of holiday!! I enjoyed it all except for the insects. Me and my brother's chalets were infested with carnivorous ants on the 2nd day. They ate their dead fellow insects.....yerrrrr.

2008-09-18T00:02:00.005+08:00

have you met people who, all they seem to do is complain? They come back to their sit and complain to you, who sits behind them, and to the other close friend that sits beside them, an again, to those of the same kind,in the next class . To them, if it doesn't go their way, its not the right way then. If its not to their convenience, something should be done about it. But not them. Their only job is to complain and gather symphathy and hope that things would change. If they deserve it, i wouldn't be blogging here. But the fact is, they do not.
As for these people i came across, they complained they weren't treated fairly as compared to the rest of us. They thought they deserved better, they thought they were under-graded. If you prepared a report by just copying from wikipedia,(without any editing at all) , copied a nicer picture to make the cover, then handed it in a few days late; you tell me they marked you wrong?

Good luck to them, but the world does not revolve around them, in case they haven't yet noticed.

With tonnes of them beside me, i can't help but feel smart. But then again, it makes me feel degraded too. I came to a place of higher learning expecting more, expecting to be challenged mentally, not to lose out in my quest for knowledge, but the only challenge i find is the courage to stand against the culture i see. The challenge to not procrastinate does not count, I'd get that anywhere.

Imagine this: The lecturer tells the assignment brief and explains well enough with examples too, not once, not twice....but every week, 4 weeks already. The mates come in every week, show him some sketches, he assumes they understand. Then when he does not approve after 4 weeks, he realizes they do not understand. Again he explains. Does that help? No. So what is it they do not understand?

mates:"Sir, what is motif?"

lecturer: "*slaps his forehead* I told you before!!..patterns. I want you to find and incorporate traditional patterns into your design!"

mates: "So we draw the motifs in our design?"

lecturer: "*sighs*
" Up to you lar whether you want to just put it there or however you can think of"

Thank goodness I am not the lecturer. I'd ~~slap~~ their head. Not mine.

2008-09-10T02:21:00.003+08:00

Have you ever thought about God and all He's unexplainable actions and how 'cruel' some seem to be? Like taking away a parent from what could have been a pretty sweet family. Or letting a child, a very intelligent, great guy, one we girls wouldn't wanna miss; letting him go at the prime of his teens. Or even taking back a mum's life even after tonnes of prayers and fasting, leaving her young children to question, to search, to be extra vulnerable....what if they stop trusting then? What if, with a father to love, she would not need to depend on a guy to love her? Maybe then she would wait and trust Him to bring the right man, instead of playing god herself? God really has a different way of doing things and i guess a bigger plan for them. oh well, if we could understand all His plans, we would be God then, aint it?

I still wonder too whether this course is really God's plan for me; or was it my decision made purely out of rebellion? It has been fun indeed, a very different kind of learning, challenging but not that i really enjoy challenge, a kinda weird environment, yet very pressuring when I have no ideas at that crucial moment. And it can last for days. I am 2 weeks away from the half of the semester, time is not on my side. The pressure is building fast, especially when my classmates already have their designs approved and I am still cracking and knocking my brain to think, holding my eyelids up so I don't fall asleep, one pretty ok idea is birthed and then nothing again.
But then it isn't hard to keep dreaming of other things, and each time tonnes of ideas for anything else spills over like a waterfall, but no Mulan. (my theme this sem is fairytales and i chose Mulan)
Whoever thought design was one easy feat should swallow their words right now. I wish God's voice would just boom from above, or write on the wall or anything that is so obvious I'd be stupid not too realise!!

Enough of the emo-ness.

If you've been expecting a Raub post, my dress, camp post and birthday post, wait ever more patiently=D. Whatever that needs pictures is looonnng, and blogger hangs each time i try to arrange those pics. How annoying!

Till then....patience is a virtue;)

2008-08-16T01:51:00.005+08:00

i'm dreaming of........pirouettes and twirls, flips and flying splits, ribbons and hoops. Dance is stuck on my mind. A fashion show with ballerina's in my designs dancing down the catwalk fills my brain. The colour, white; the fabric, flowy.

i'm hearing the silent, persistent call of the assignments to finish them before it piles so high i won't be able to see the other side. The nagging worries of ill-fitting garments, ugly colours, cheap designs and burning a hole in my purse. No more will i start work at the eleventh hour.

in front of me, the notes...and my worrisome-confused-questioning reflection. I'm thinking why is it so hard to understand? Why is it so long? Why can't i concentrate?
All these questions of my own suddenly rises again, interferes and distrupts my thought flows. Flying, waiting impatiently to be thrown at someone who could answer it, who would answer it. But who? I wish you'd tell me.

why, oh why do i think so much? why, why, why??

Friends

2008-08-05T23:54:00.008+08:00

Met one lucky day, was it chance or a step outside our shell?

Chat and laugh the next, because birds of a feather flock together.

Then you disappeared,

And I wondered.

But thank God for technology, distance is now but a click away.

I see you, virtually.

I remembered you all these years

The question is, do you still remember me?

I'm sure we've all got friends like them. I read about them now, since I have no idea where they are. (thank God for blogs!)

Theres so many things I want to ask, friendships to rekindle, contacts to be re-established. I will remember to take down your phone numbers or msn now.

Its sad we never really got to talk bout much. Especially when I see now we've quite a bit in common interest. I love shopping too and I want to try shopping online, but I'd like you to teach me.

Was it really that we never got a chance to talk? Or was it purely shyness? Oh God, give us another chance!

2008-08-02T00:27:00.006+08:00

*************
Talking to you is painful
I wonder why i still bother.

Like a knife piercing the heart
It only cuts deeper.
*************

2008-07-24T01:54:00.001+08:00

Smile for the world to see

Laugh for the people to hear

Love that lives be touched

And,

When you smile, smile unabashedly

When you laugh, laugh unassumingly

When you love, love unconditionally

Then hope that

When you smile,

the world would smile with you

And when you laugh,

you'd inject laughter into their hearts

And when you love,

you'll love like you never knew heartache.

2008-07-24T01:13:00.001+08:00

Windows Live Spaces

a preview of the raub mission trip. i shall update betul betul when i got all the pictures!

2008-07-14T00:23:00.004+08:00

Parents tell their kids to apologise for their wrongdoings. But when the mistake is theirs, all too often a sorry is not even heard. Instead they nag away and make it sound as though the fault was yours, again.

Teachers mark their students wrong for their mistakes; fair enough. But what if the teacher themselves made the mistake? Or worst, barely know the subject matter themselves, and marks the student wrongly? They too won't usually be the ones to apologise; neither would they accept your correction with grace.

Sounds familiar?

i wonder why is it so hard for us to just apologise? What would we lose? Seriously. Lose the pride and gain a friend. Don't lord it over others, you'll likely never to earn anyone's respect that way, no matter how good, how smart or how rich you are. All we (or I at least) hope for is equality and openness.

If you made a mistake, you apologise

If you are corrected, accept it. (no use pretending your good at what you know you're not=)

If your views are challenged, hear it out.

You're not always right.

2008-07-12T01:06:00.002+08:00

i was just wondering just now, why is it we always say how do you GUYs do this? or what do you GUYS think but we don't say..you GIRLS?..even if we're communicating with an all girl group. weird, no? hmph

2008-07-09T01:03:00.002+08:00

Tis the season to get together!

Should I smile? Should I distant myself? Should I speak?

Would you want me there? Would he want me there?

You tell me! (cos I can't read you)

What happens when your best friend gets together with her best friend? And you happen to hang out with the both of them practically everyday. You haven't seen them since they got together, but how would it be when you finally do?...hmh, I actually don't know if I'd want to know.

I imagined this would come, but I didn't give thought to what it'd be like when reality hits. I know its not new, I've been through this before, but I usually had an escape…..you.

Would I be jealous too? Would I feel weird?..you know what? It feels weird already. I don't know if I should lunch with you everyday now. Or..i don't know. I don't know what to don't know about too.

*sighhhh*

Don't hate me if I interrupt the moments

I'm really ignorant and blur

Hesitate not to tell me if you don't want me there

But tell me if you don't mind

I don't wanna lose a friend, I hope I won't.

2008-07-04T00:39:00.003+08:00

booohoo...1 u is boring!
hehe just cos i couldn't find anything i like. me is so picky...tsk tsk tsk*sigh*

but steamboat at yuen's made the rest of the day better!! we ate like 3 hours straight!! lol..oh and we meaning me and my form 6 friends and guan..k scrap that, lets just make it me and ex ss 17 students.
*i'll prolly put up some pics once i get them fr zx*

too bad we didn't manage to video the uncivilised malaysians rushing for......fried chicken! like what??!!! but it was funny to watch..and very 'kan cheong' too, and like siu said ' food taste better when you have to fight for it' LOL...we, sadly are uncivilised too. we sent our fren to rush and grab chicken for us too, more for the fun of it.hehe

annnd 'get smart' is a pretty hilarious movie.....only wish they didn't make the rock the bad guy..(oops, blew it for those who hvnt watched....sorrrryyyy!!!!!) why do directors always have to cast good looking guys as the baddies. hmh....so typical, not nice anymore.

*yucks...why is my blog turning into a diary?..ish not the reason y i started blogging!!*

2008-07-02T23:08:00.002+08:00

10 excuses to holiday without leaving home

1) try to get my photoshop programe installed
2) watch kittens play, fight and meow for their mum, then irritate them with camera flashes and scare them with water (now their at my neighbours house)
3) carving stories and poems and dreaming of masquerade masks then procrastinate again and not pen/draw them on paper
4) oogling at deviantart-ist's work and dreaming about my own deviantart
5) trying to decipher what deb's poems in wordpress means
6) go blog surfing and poking people on facebook (doesn't anyone feel bored..yawn)
7) create photoshoot poses and scenarios in my mind
8) decide to not burn a hole in my account by not going anywhere far
9) google people's names and see where it leads
10) try harder to get all the adobe programmes to function on this computer

ok fine. I'm just lazy. To the extend my tables are not cleared yet, and i took up 3 tables while working on my finals. bluek.
sorry girlfrens, i know we're suppose to go out and celebrate john's very belated b'day and to hang out with steffi's host sis toooo=)
sorry larr...the past week been busy organising a bbq and sleepover,....phewww..glad its over. The food was dissapointing but the fellowship was goood. Not that the food wasn't nice, (it was, really) just we had a shortage of food. We had girls mastermining the dunking acts and i discovered that debbie was isaac ravi's sister. (shucks...am i the last to noe?) and malacca was fun!!! posers!!Though i can't find a picture i look nice in, haha.....gosh, 2 cg outings, back to back, in a week, super tiring wei. Now i'm lazy to upload photos, we shall wait till i find a picture i look nice in. oooh, and THE DAD wants me to sleep already..so, nights!!

2008-06-25T00:56:00.001+08:00

Screaming in silence

This despair

The silent torture

Of wanting and longing

The only escape

In dreaming

The fantasies carving hopes

Hopes that it'd become true somehow

Like fairytales, the happy ever afters.

Backyard Invaders

2008-06-24T01:36:00.004+08:00

i have kittens in my backyard!!....no, i'm not jumping for joy. they freak me out. ish..i just have something against fur and fury animals. its creepy.........!!!!!!!! sorry larrrr

there's suppose to be 4 of them..but 1 hiding in the broken pipe. somehow they all like to play in there. they'd pull and push each other out of the pipe just so they can get in....so funnny.

i have to admit they're pretty cute, but still..they scare me. i'm so paranoid they'd come climbing thru my window, i actually close it most of the time. same with the door, i keep it closed. and when i do have to go out.. i shiver if i have to go near them.

once, i was watering the plants pretty near them..the grey one 'grrrred' at me and i jumped back..haha. the 'grrrr' was kinda loud..k lar just slightly louder...then their usual 'miao'.. and the mother cat, sine she noe's my family tak tahan animals wan..always runs away whenever she sees us..and comes back usually only to feed her kittens. but she'll watch her brood from nearby.

i think they're a week old di...at frst my siblings wanted to shooo it the 1st day we saw them..but i had compassion for those kittens..(seeee, i'm not all that evil after all...haha) i guess when they're just born they won't be able to move much too kan, and the last thing i want is for them to die in my backyard!!!!
so thats y they're there!..so hope they go off fast...lol

2008-06-22T01:05:00.005+08:00

my model (right) wearing my design posing with her friends, modeling the clothes my classmates made.

random pictures of my artwork:

maggie Q modelled my garment!!!! technically she DID!!haha...i lurve the hair c;)

and random artworks=):

2008-06-22T00:34:00.003+08:00

sem's OVER and i'm happy!!!! i would be for this first few weeks.....so many of my friends are back.. yea!!!=)=);)more going outs, more money spent..... but 2 months is no-kidding-long. too long i'd think. gees.....mr LimKW should hire me to help him rearrange his uni's schedule. he prob doesn't realise how his schedule makes his students suffer. let me take u thru a year's schedule:

Jan: HOLS
Feb: HOL till chinese new year is over. then the sem starts
Mar, Apr, May: its 12 weeks or 13 weeks of classes. the last week of may is the last official week of classes
June: 2 weeks grace to pass up asgmts then HOLS
July:HOLS
Aug, Sept, Oct: another 14 weeks of classes, actually with 1 week mid sem break included. then i end
Nov: 2 weeks of grace again and its HOLS
Dec: HOLS !!

my gosh....mr Lim really sucks the money outta us. we suffocate and suffer for 14 weeks or if u are me...17 weeks (haha) then we enjoy for a month and rot the rest of the hols. thus your 15 k (or more)of tuition fees. i honestly won't mind an extra month of classes each sem. more time to do work, more lectures, and we can learn more.

all his brilliance, and these he can't figure out??!! *shakes head*

i rant enough. i shall enjoy.

2008-06-17T15:58:00.004+08:00

tagged by xiang ning:

Part 1: On the outside
Name: Shern Ai
Date of Birth: 4th september (now u noe , so....... *hint hint*) hehe
Current Status: Single
Hair Colour: black
Righty or Lefty: lefty

Part 2: On the Inside
Your Heritage: Pure Chinese
Your Fear: insecurities! i hate being alone anywhere, anytime. and i'm paranoid of what u'll think of me after this. haha;)

Part 3: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up: i still wanna sleeeeeppp
Bedtime: Random
Your most missed memory: being with friends and talking our hearts out

Part 4: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: they taste the same lar....
Single or Group Dates: both. actually i dunoe. how i noe?! i don't have a bf also=(
Adidas or Nike: mng??
Lipton Tea or Nestea: old town white coffee ...haha

Part 5: Do You...
Smoke: i can't stand smoke
Curse: hehehe........when i'm angry yea lar (ooopsss.......ssshhhhh)
Drink: ...... if shandy counts?

Part 7: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: Nope...NO WAY!!
Changed who you were to fit in: sometimes

Part 8: Age
You're hoping to be married: it used to be 24, now no way!.. its too soon, i don't have a bf and i'll only start work then.

Part 9: In A Guy/Girl
Best eye colour: brown
Hair colour: dark purple!!
Short or long hair: depends whether its a guy or girl

Part 10: What Were You Doing?
1 minute ago: Answering the previous question
1 hour ago: chatting
1 month ago: slave to my asgmts

Part 11: Finish The Sentences
I love: music, fashion, art and maths
I miss : my friends
I need: God, family, friends, internet and answers!

Part 12: Tag
aaron, joanna, anna, lydia ( all the very free ppl!)

List out 5 presents you wish for your upcoming birthday:
1. an mp3 handphone...slim, slide, 5 mega pix camera, loads of memory and xtra memory stick...
2. i want a dress form!!!
3. a light blue myvi
4. dinner at tony romas , or japanese buffet
5. more presents!!

2008-05-21T01:49:00.003+08:00

Now, i really thank God i didn't choose to major in business. Twice i had that idea. twice i had that opportunity. if i did, dunoe what will happen to me now.
STUPID BUSINESS MANAGEMENT!!! annoying research.

stare. crap. blank.

this assignment is due in 7 HOURS and i'm only halfway done. good luck to....me.

ok. back to assignment.

think, crap, blank, crap , blank, crap , blank, blank ,blank, BLANK, BLANK!!!

*........AARGH......*

2008-05-17T02:01:00.002+08:00

sitting on the chair
my laptop facing me
my book on my lap, opened
i read (or try to read)
but
all i see is a jungle of words.

i look again
i read again
still they're just words
words i cannot make any sense of
(no, they're perfectly fine)
its just ME.

yet again i (TRY) to read
(TRY) to analyze what i've read
(TRY to connect them with what i've learned
(TRY) to write it for my assignment

BUT

My mind is absolutely blank. It has been for days. B-L-A-N-K.
Seriously nothing is going in or going out. Not when it comes to this assignment.
I barely started.
And its due this Wednessday.

God help me!! i NEED NEED NEED to focus!!!

*i wish there was some huge green pasture on a mountain top somewhere near that i could just go and scream my lungs out*

2008-05-12T22:33:00.003+08:00

GODISNOWHERE

God is no where OR God is now here?

i prefer God is now here.
well, He is not just here now but, he was here just now and He'll be here later too.
thank God for that cos i really really really need You here!! i know i can't do aLL this with my own strength. it IS utterly impossible. there's just to much to juggle and no matter how much i try, (or TRY to try) i still struggle.

God help me pleassseeee!!!

2008-05-09T23:51:00.002+08:00

*my mind is officially detached from my body. i don't know if i'm thinking, what i'm thinking or if i'm even thinking. there's just so much running through my mind i can't even make out what exactly it is. its just so weird. *

2008-05-07T02:13:00.002+08:00

One wonders why on earth did God create mosquitoes and ants and other like insects (PEST). What good are they? Biting us, sucking the blood outta us, annoying us; in short, such troublemakers.
So, ants teach us a valuable lesson about working hard and preparing for the future. what else? What about mosquitoes and flies? Causing us malaria and other diseases are their only gift or am i a little under knowledged as to their other benefits? Do tell me!!

And yes, you guess right. As i'm sitting here doing my business assignment, i'm being fed on by mosquitoes. Thus sparked this random idea of blogging bout this pest. hmh........this i've wondered for years.

2008-05-03T02:12:00.002+08:00

ish.....if had a 'most frustrating week' list, this week will rank high. its not just the assignments. well, lets just start with that.

my assignments are sky rocketing and i only have 6 weeks more to complete EVERYTHING!. the everything which includes:
1) 2 watercolour paintings, 1 poster colour, 1 marker rendering (distortion) of which i have yet to choose a picture, distort it and get it aproved, and there's still 2 more to come!!

2) i've got a dress pattern to complete and the dress to sew. imagine, i took 8 weeks to complete my 1st dress..now i only have 6, and its just my 2nd dress! prolly need to find the accessorries (gulp..more money!!) and find a model for the presentation.

3) then there's this whole business management research on abercrombie. honestly, i think i'm the laziest in the group. christina's done her part, sabira and tania should be almost done too. me? i'm only 5% started! i feel so bad each time she ask me about it...

4) next is a pants to sew. well at least this wan got progress la, but super slow.

5) history journal..haih. i haven't started. ish. all these research punya work so annoying.

last saturday i auditioned for christmas. a morning to learn a whole dance proves too much for my brain. i learn too slowly..always. hmh...i screwed the auditions yet again. so dissapointing.

then there was Tuesday. the day i burnt a whole in my pocket. the day i dissapointed my parents badly. i still feel bad, still feel the tears welling when i think of Tuesday.

and yesterday, i broke my contact lens. yea, i know..like WHAT??! i think i didn't place the left side of the contacts properly and it slipped out into the container into the storing liquid. and as i was trying to take it out i prolly broke it then. (mine's semi hard lense) somehow i almost always only think of the better solution after things happen. ish...dunnoe how to tell my parents. dun even know whether to tell them anot. ish..have to spend money again. another 100+ will fly away. (must so go and work this holidays!)

then there's friends that unknowingly dissapoint you. small matters but they do count. what's worst? i can't and don't know how to tell them that.

ugh!!!!!!..............

2008-05-03T01:08:00.002+08:00

somehow each time i get the chance to feel extra independent i feel someone else is just trying to get me into trouble. earning my own money for the 1st time felt so good, i was so happy i thought i could cover the cost of the fabric already. nay. instead the fabric cost almost double what i earned. why? cos i dunnoe how to go to the shop selling cheaper jeans material. annd....me and mahsa made many dumb mistakes. non-street wise ppl. we could have taken the e1 bus (we were on it) right up to central market, instead we stopped at central kl and got cheated of 8 bux for the ride to central market. then, when going back, she could have waited for e1 at cm instead of going back to central, missing the bus (the bus just left right when we arrived) and waiting for another 40 minutes and me could have taken the bus straight to midvalley instead of dropping at central, pay more money and take the train to midvalley. ish..

after the interview at midvalley pulak, my 2 joker friends ( namely margaret and robin) decided to wait in hunger for me and stef to finish..that was at 9+. yes..and so we ate then. gosh, what if we had eaten and wanted to go back straightaway,,,st_p_d!!!!!! i was rushing to get to the ktm by 10pm cos the last train to subang is at 11 and its ktm ler....tau tau la. manatau the train to midvalley tergendala 3 freaking times!! the train only arrived at like wat, 10.50 something. i reached central at 11.05. needless to say, the last train gone di lar. my mind went into panic mode when i saw the sign...next train..
5.15

and to top it all i only had 2 cents in my phone, 30 cents coins in my wallet and no one had enough coins to change for a dollar note. i was stranded!!!!

i called my dad and next thing i heard was shouting. he was like " so now how?..WALK HOME LA!!'. he asked me to find a way back first before he came. and thats what i did. i went out just in time to catch the last rapid kl to subang.but since i couldn't call him, i messaged my sis to get him to call me asap. well, that took a while and when he called the bus moved off already..with me inside. And the worst thing was he said he was nearby already!.. that thought did strike when i entered the bus, but panic clouded my mind and i dismissed that innervoice.

all through the bus ride, i was either trying to hold back tears or deciding in my mind whether to prepare my defence or just let them scold. well, i did deserve it in a way. sigh.
getting in my parents car when at subang was worst. pure torture. the silent treatment they gave me was killing. i wished they'd scold me, scream at me, anything but be silent. parent's always do that, don't they? make you feel bad by not talking....

and so i decided, i will TRY VERY VERY HARD to not go out till so late at night. especially if it involves public transport. and i will keep a spare reload card in my phone unless i change to postpaid fast! its a good thing they didn't decide to ground me, they did think of that but later crossed that idea..and i thank them for that. so i must now prove my dependence again.

cos

"no amount of independence is mature
if i have to trouble my parents"

"no amount of fun is worth it
if my parents worry all that time"

2008-05-01T00:06:00.004+08:00

earned rm 120 for crapping an entire hour..not bad eh?.lol...

*me laughs all the way home!*

seriously, all i did was comment and give my views on whether this or that design is nicer and why sometimes...it was actually quite fun!

thank you Stef!!! luv you to bits. your kawan here appreciates you thinking of sharing the opportunity dengan ku!!

2008-04-18T22:38:00.001+08:00

One day my mum was talking about my bro eating maggi in the evening. Me, as blur as I am obviously didn't know a thing la. so…...
Me: oohhh….he must have ate in the kitchen. I don't know anything that happens outside the study room wan.
Bro: *looks at me and shakes his head. " wrong. you don't know anything that happens besides whats in front of you."
Sis:*roles her eyes. " he was eating behind you la."
Me:????!!!!!!.........*I totally, absolutely did not realize lor. I didn't even know he was in the room, for the matter.
Mum: *shakes her head and sighs aloud

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……….i think I just mastered the art of shutting out everything all the time, unless I make a conscious effort to look around!

Somehow, me and my younger brother have this ability to shut things out. My brother shuts his ears to the rest of the world when his reading, or when he knows your gonna ask him to do something. Me?..i just shut everything. That's why I'm labeled the blur one at home. I usually don't know whats going on and what plans the rest have made. Sometimes I don't even know we are going for a family holiday till 1 or 2 days beforehand. Or, when the music plays and anyone ask me what just played, I would usually not know. I can't even recall the tune or the lyrics of what I just 'heard'. It really becomes background music. I hear and know it's music but it just doesn't register what song's playing, even if I know the song at the back of my hand.

2008-04-17T23:34:00.002+08:00

i finally drove out of SS 19 for the 1st time!!....... it was a nightmare for my mum, i think i scared my sis the whole half an hour, my siblings can't stop shaking their heads..and me?...am just so happy i finally drove again after....erh, 1 year hiatus?..lol

no, i didn't drive the unser. my dad borrowed his friend's saga cos his car kena curi last year..so i drove that.... haha. thank goodness i didn't scratch, dent or apa-apa la too the car.

i was suppose to trail my mum all the way to ss14 so we could send the unser to the workshop and go home with the saga. a few times it looked as though i was gonna bang my mum's car..she was like "aiyoh, she going so fast down the slope, i better go faster too" haha. fact is, i was trying to brake cos its nearing traffic light but u noe with different cars the brake also different kan, some cars press a bit only also can di....not with the saga. my sis was practically screaming her lungs out, not once but a few times sumore.

the when it turned green, i release brake la...but i couldnt balance the clutch and accelerator properly, mati-ed enjin 3 times!!! that's just at 1 traffic light . i mati-ed lotsa times more than that. even reversing out of the house, i mati so many times my mum had to drive it out for me.

when i finally got through,,then entered at 14, i didn't realise it was a one way street, i jalan saja. lol thank God there was ample space to park. my mind was already panicking cos i seriously forgotten all about the parking part when my mum asked if i was game to drive.

oh well....every new driver's first faults are always mati enjin and driving the wrong way on 1 way streets. ..and it manual ok!.*pats myself on the back* hehe.
i'm still noob k. (though already got C license wan) =)

2008-04-15T00:09:00.002+08:00

fuming mad and pissed!.......sometimes technology is just so ANNOYING. annoying's an understatement but i can't find any other word to best describe the situation..so, ANNOYING!!!!

i get kicked out every few seconds...and when i get reconnected i get kicked out again! and whats this limited conncetivity?????

and since i'm using the laptop i get kicked out more often...! my bro using the house com only gets slow connection and gets kicked out every few minutes....argh!..and all he's doing is reading manga while i'm doing my assignment!!

argh again! life IS unfair....its patience challenging. (not that i have any to begin with.)

2008-04-13T23:15:00.002+08:00

gosh..i don't know wether to be excited cos its holidays this 1 week or cry and groan and work like no tomorrow still. After this holidays i only have 6 official weeks of uni and 2 extra weeks if the lecturer would be oh-so-kind! And then its sem break again.
my assignment list for this holiday includes:-
1) business -company research. havn't call the other group members to distribute our workload. and sould start studying for the finals too. our seniors been telling us no one ever got an A for his class. the highest was a B....and thats so scary. i want an A!!

2) next is illustration...hmh. this wan got overdued work di. seriously i also dunnoe what i do sometimes. (k, make that most of the time) 3 weeks and still can't finish the colour pencil hatching. not just that, till now i've only done the face! and most of my classmates have started the black and white painting di....3 even finished the coloured water colour painting too and are now starting poster colour!!! they took 3 days for each. hmh...!

3) sewing- my stupid dress zipper!....haih., it was almost perfect at first. except that the invisible zipper became quite visible at one stretch. and since i had time last friday the lecturer asked me to repair that. and so i did though i reallllllyy realllly tak suka the uni's sewing machine. and needless to say i had a war with the machine and it 'ate' 3 of my needles. haih..from 9 at the starting of the sem i'm only left with 1 now. and i broke about 5 of it just last week alone...and yes, the invisible zipper is still visible albeit at a different point now, AND i dunnoe how it appeared but got extra cloth at on part too...so it just looks plain weird!!! the lecturer also laugh cos 1 side is perfectly fine, but the other is a disaster. thats not all.......i should start the pattern for my pants tooo.....most of my classmates have already started it...seriously i dunnoe why me and christina's always the last or one of the last to finish wan.

4) next, design. haih.....every class just has to have some cheong hei ppl. and so happen i was sitting opposite her that day. so each time i call the lecturer to help me...she pulak will go "miss, is this right?..so i do this, this, this ,this and this, right? then i do this, this, this and that? ok, because i have to..(whatever la)".....and she continues and repeats this procedure again and again. and each time she does this she has the nerve to look at me and say, just a minute ya! a minute my foot la...to me its just plain RUDE when you do it tooo many times. get a hint when even the lecturer roles her eyes (behind her back la). your not the only one in class ok..and its not only you who wants to get it done fast. ..and because of that i may have to go to uni one of these days to ask her to help me! i so dread going there....only bus going there is at 8 and the earliest bus to go home is 3.. i should go with christina to buy cloth one of these days tooo..ish, i dislike going to masjid jamek area..dahlah i will get sesat, and i generally think the place is just.... dislikeable? haha

5) then there's history. we're suppose to watch 'the devil wear's prada' and do character analysis on the main characters. something more interesting, haha. anyone up for an old movie? also should start writing my journal on all the topics we've covered in the past 7 weeks...more research and the lecturers like "journals should be handwritten"..so , yea.....!!!!!!!
so funny the day the lecturer announced we have a holiday assginment, Mahsa complained aloud.."but its a holiday! we're suppose to relax, not do work!.." the whole class including the lecturer erupted with laughter. but its so seriously true. technically la, holiday means relax, no?...but with this amount of homework.....nah!

2008-04-06T02:11:00.004+08:00

my first 2 illustrations...hatching is no easy feat. not with pen at least..but its fun! next wan is colour pencil then paint..(ewwwww...) then markers!!! yea, can't wait for that.=)

pen:-

pencil:-

oops sorry can't turn the picture....=(

2008-04-06T01:05:00.002+08:00

no bed made of roses,
no cloud with silver lining,
no throne for a chair,
no palace to call home.

this is the life i chose
i'll sleep,
i'll eat,
i'll breathe,
i'll live this life.

i'll journey this path,
the road less troden.

2008-03-31T00:38:00.009+08:00

when 3 girls get together,

we take silly pictures.....!

in class,

we camwhore,

and.....

take more silly pictures!!! c",)

2008-03-23T02:01:00.003+08:00

aiks.........kena tagged by sheryiin..

Instructions: Remove ONE question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all...(sure anot?)

1. Who is your all-time inspiration?
who ar?....lets change it to what....hehe. anything and everything pretty?

2. Have you given your first kiss away?
no lar.

3. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you? Why?
hmh..
i) margaret!! monkey joker...ur so funny, definitely bring you lar to keep me company..........bwahaha
ii) lydia..cos we can talk for hours and not run out of topics to talk bout. hahaha
iii) melanie......by then u'll have NS experience!! =)

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
for now, it's korea, the scenary in those dramas are just so enticing. i'm generally not a scenary but this is exceptionnally nice.

5. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
to be TALLER!!!! duh...........

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?-
yeah, i've seen quite a number mysel.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?
my friends.

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
buy car!!!!!! then shopping, and go eat at places i'd normally can't afford and the rest keep la.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
nope. guys should make the first move. haha ...be a guy!!

10.List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
talks more now that i'm no longer her cg leader..haha, but she's nice and really hardworking!

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
a good looking christian, lean guy, right brainer too, must be amusing at least to me, and builds me up.

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?
people who talk secrets they don't want me to hear, in front of me!!!

13. What is your ambition?
be a famous, succesful designer?

14. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
tell me!! nothing hurts more than knowing i'm being talked about behind my back.

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
honestly, my friends.

16) Are you a shopaholic ?
yup, and quite impulsive at times. but mostly indecisive..sighs*

17. erh.........who created this tag thing anyway??!!!

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?
to not go blank all the time!!!

19. Name a song which got stuck in your head first thing this morning, and you can't help but keep it. Are you happy about it?
all american rejects-straight jacket feeling. a visit to carissa's blog got me addicted to most of the songs on her playlist..including this!!

20. What do you wish to have now?
my own room with a walk in wardrobe and more clothes, shoes and bags to fill it, a...... forget it. i want a magic wand that'll give me everything i want not just now, but forever!!! hehehehe

i tag:
margaret, stefanie, melanie, lydia, rachelle, sharon, roxanne, and eunice!

2008-03-16T02:49:00.002+08:00

more about my momental memory loss.........2 weeks ago, i woke up on time, dressed up as usual only taking my swweeet time, somehow forgetting that the bus leaves at 8.15. i went in my mum's car only realising then that its already 8.13! and i just left the house. i frantically called my fren to ask the drvier to wait, but no, the driver refused. and so i reached just in time to see the bus move from its spot. next thing i knew, it was a wild goose chase between the bus driver and my mum tailing him directly behind, honking him to stop. at first i thought i could run to catch him since he stopped a sec at sjmc. but that didn't work and i ended up running a few steps bahind him like a mad girl. ....so embarassing.. i hope no one i know saw me! thank goodness i arrived at the sunway stop in time to get on the bus. not without bouts of laughing from my friends though.

then last monday, i forgotten to bring my asignment to do in that 6 hrs before class. i placed it on my table the night before, while packing. but somehow, when i brought my bag to the front a few minutes later, that big file on my table decided to hide from my eyes. it slipped my mind, and i didn't see it. i only realised it when i reached the bus stop the next morning.

again my brain decides to play tricks on me. yesterday i thought my violin class is at 3pm instead of 3,30. i went in confidently, and upon seeing his actual 3 pm student which arrived later than me, he questioned. and i confidently answered 'my time is 3'. haha..big joke.....now he'll probably laugh at that too for the next few weeks till he finds a new joke. who knew my name could be a source of laughter too.....ai, why your eye like that wan? hahaha

2008-03-16T02:32:00.002+08:00

barely 3 weeks of uni and its just crazy! asignments are pilling, the excitement rising, yet the mood dampens day by day. yes, i'm finally gonna design my own garments, and yes, i feel more like a professional artist now. but the higher my asignments pile, the more moody i become, the less i want to finish it, let alone start doing. such a procrastinator.
i'm jealous too. my friends can still afford to relax, but i have to slug day and night just trying to finish it. and i already have a late submission. gosh.......!
as i sit here writing this post, i'm supposed to be doing pencil hatching. but i take forever. 1 whole day for a sleeve is no joke. and i have to pass this up on monday. the ever impending thought that my work is just not nice, not perfect enough is reason to blame. having stef's work as example has its good and bad. my classmates saw that gorgeous piece of work, so did my lecturers. they now think i'm good. kinda hard living up to that expectation, aint it?
that aside, i still have 30 sketches to design. read: i need ideas desperately! its due tuesday;a dress pattern block to complete, of which i've forgotten half the instructions. sigh....i've been having memory problems lately.
not to mention, i still wanna go out with deb and the rest of the gang this week, since its deb's last week of hols. with that amount of work??

2008-03-09T00:00:00.003+08:00

since when did i care bout politics? bout elections and ministers, government and opposition and what nots? hmh...my parents are. everyone around me is, surprisingly even my close friends are. guess it rubbed on me. as much as i don't like it, its scary in a way too. especially when every few minutes i hear the opposition winning, or the coalition's top guns losing. i'm shivering already!!!! what would happen to us? would our everyday life be still what we've come to know as normal? what if......? gosh, i don't even wanna think about it anymore.
i'm as unsettled as the waves of a roaring sea? like a tornado forming in my brain. i can't think straight, and i can't do work.
no, i'm not thinking bout the polls. no wait. i don't even know what i'm thinking or what i should be thinking. its all jumbled up. even simple things like which assignment i should start with seems like an impossible task. what is wrong with me?!
all's not well.
i'm not clear what i'm suppose to fill my concept board with. pictures of what? kate beckinsale only? how am i going to find enough interesting pictures to fill that A3 board?. what is a concept board anyway?
i don't know what outfit to design, what material to use. was at a loss when i went to kamdar on friday. i was totally blank on what to find. i give up so easily when i don't see what i imagine!!
again i start to think. do i really want to do this? i don't like sewing and i shiver at the prospect of having to sew my own design in just a matter of a few weeks. to top it, i hear that we'll be having a fashion show for our designs too at the end of the semester, that's like what....3 months?

exciting, yes. anxious and frustrated too.

2008-03-02T23:34:00.001+08:00

Scream!!!!!!!......shattered to a million pieces. Like a bomb blast. Scattered. Unable to regain its form, unable to function, rendered useless by the mighty blow. Like a bolt of lightning screeching through, screams thundering, clouding any audible voice left. The intensity? magnificently magnified with the thoughts and images rushing through, not stopping, not allowing even a glimpse. What madness! Wild, insane, the unthinkable, the thoughts going berserk, like wires going haywire. Brownian's movement in the human core.

One secret revealed, and blown out of proportion.

Again,

2008-02-26T00:51:00.003+08:00

Again,

The year replays its tune

The somber song

For one is leaving.

Again,

I see hands raised

Moving from left to right

Waving in quiet agony

While yet others enclosed in a hug.

Again,

The sounds return

The people crying

Their feets scurrying

To hurry before the gates closes

The planes……the noise!

and then silence……...

Gone are they who once keep us near

Our laughter's now trapped in 2 letters

Gone are the shoulders to cry on

Our ears now resolved to typing

A substantial portrayal with no feelings and warmth

For none replaces the space you left behind.

29th Jan 2008

2008-02-24T23:34:00.010+08:00

haha yes i know its soooo long ago. so?................lol

this is the crazy day me and my uni frens went to do a shok sendiri punya photoshoot at......UNI...of all places..hahahaha, and thenafter adjourn to pyramid's The Magical Theatre for Deb's bday party. And our dear kawan, margaret forgot to bring her makeup kit and Deb's present!...haha. that explains why our faces look so bare in the photos:

the rest of pics..will soon be posted in erh...facebook or friendster, maybe. haha, see lah.

2008-02-20T23:51:00.003+08:00

watch my face
turn black with anger,
eyes starring hard
tears refrained,
mouth shut tight
quenching words
that'll send sparks a flame.

it seems,
each turn and bend i choose
is wrong to you.

you guide,
and confuse me even more.

you tell me to learn
yet,
you pull me down
and crush my momental success

the impending harshness,
your words,
your ideals for everything
makes this maze impossible.

2008-02-18T00:34:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow I pay my fees, next week I start.

Suddenly going back to uni seems so strange, so alien. Even the thought of it seems weird. After 2 months, past the new year and still 2 months more. How would the classmates be? Would the lecturers still be the same? The Plaza, Wings, the Library. Would I still frequent those places?
Would my current bff's still remain, unchanged? I hope we do=) What about Padi? And Old Town? ….i smell white coffee……

Oh, NO! waking up at 7 everyday!! And the coming back. I hope I get to go back at 3 everyday. Wouldn't it be perfect if they'd schedule for a bus at 4?! It's not fun staying in that out-of-nowhere black concrete jail till 6! Especially with no one to grumble and laugh with. The HORROR!

3+ months of holidays. The prospect of sleeping till past 9 on most day is BLISS; till I wake up and crack my brains figuring out what to do the rest of the day.

2008-02-15T02:08:00.001+08:00

Where's your heart?
Where's your passion?
Where's your desire?

I question you!
Take your stand
Take your place

Your not here forever
Hone the skills
Gain the experience

Now get out
Put your hands to the plough
Buck up or lose out!

gosh...some of these peoples design are sooooo nice. so talented! really an eye opener. shaking me to reality!

DREAM FASHION

2008-02-15T00:42:00.000+08:00

A bouquet of roses for the Lady
dressed in purple
fit for the Queen of the house

6 stalks of roses
2 for each princess
You, me and her.

Thank you daddy!!

2008-02-14T01:18:00.000+08:00

You chose to deviate
You took this path
Your decision was rash
You know it

Your choice was plenty
Advise were many
You chose not to listen
You jumped to conclusions
You hardened your heart
You limit yourself

Why regret now?
Why wish the months retrace its days?
Why hope for second chances?
What's done, done

Why the blame?
Its your mistake
Why the tears?
Straighten up, you sour face

The journey's too short
Don't look back
The candle is dying
Get up, Move on

Don't complain
I won't sympathize
Don't give up
Your stronger than that

Don't cry in my sight
Don't thug on my robe
Don't bribe me
I won't buy it

The life is yours
Its yours to care
Its mine to guide
Choices I provide
You decide
You stick by it

I'll pull you through
Your hands in mine
I won't let go

2008-02-01T00:44:00.004+08:00

3 months tooooo long.

what have i been doing all this while? lets see

hols started in mid nov....so i'll start recalling from then.
hmh.........

the day i passed up every single assignment i had, my mum left for sabah with the rest of my siblings except my sister la. aand...me and my friends did not go to uni at the same time, so i did not get to hang out with them on the last day =(......so, me being the 'kuai lui', returned home to an empty house and 'enjoyed' the rest of the day watching tv and dvds. pathethic kan?

then the next few days were none less torturing. the earlier i wake, the more energy i would need just thinking of how i would spend my time. when i was busy with assignments, i had a whole mental list of what i wanted to do during the hols. but when hols actually came, i, being the lazy bum, suddenly just didn't feel like doing anything anymore.

since i couldn't figure out what to do, my parents decided they'd take advantage of my time and use it for their work. so, i had to go everywhere, anywhere, running THEIR errands. well, at least i get paid. hahahahaha

then in december, things started picking up. my friends too started their hols, friends came back from outstation= hanging out!!! then came camp, in mid dec. and my cousins after that. too bad my sis didn't have a hol then....no shopping kaki=( and it feels weird to not shop with my sis. but i still had fun going out with my cousins. gosh, they're SOOOOO tall! dread standing beside them.cis, geram! lol

next was christmas....nothing different from other years tho', and new year......haih......why do we not do anything special, memorable, different on these days?? oh there was the holidays with thc cousins at camerons...funnnnn!

jan 2008: back to square 1. but now with my mum around....can't go around doing what i like in peace. every few minutes there will be the resounding voice calling me to do this and that and everything else. not that i do though...not so kuai anymore.

but, thanks for equally bored friends...we decided to do something crazy! one week we stayed over at stef's, the next week at mine. we can do nothing but talk for 4 hours in that same shop and yet continue again for another 8 hours later in the night!! then stef came up with an impromptu idea: go do a photoshoot at uni! of all places..haha. but thats what we did on tuesday. we even asked marg to ponteng one day of kerja just to be with us...such 'loving' friends we are. and ponteng she did..MONKEY JOKER!!!

then that night we went and celebrate deb's b'day! i absolutely love The Magical Theatre, except that it left my hair smelling like smoke. eewwwww.......................that was 29 jan already

now Feb, CNY!!!! yeah, this year was Good! all because the 4 days of school holidays the government gave my lil' siblings was well spent visiting people and collecting ang pows..wahahahahhah and because I still had hols, i went with the remnants of the FORM 6-ers to visit our friends. ish, why your hols so short wan? tradisi tak dapat dicompletekan. sigh.

there's still my uni friends!! thank God for them, such lovable darlings. went visiting some of them and stayed over at stef's yet again...haha. no reason why.

and 25th uni's starting!!!

2008-02-01T00:23:00.000+08:00

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?

When you ask ‘How are you?’
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,'Hi' ?

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

got this from an email......i think its beautiful and so true.
honestly, do we even bother to stop and admire the beauty of God's creation? not really, right? we just have so much on our minds, sometimes we look past everything and everyone else, we zone of far away, delving straight into our business. then we look back a few months or years and wonder what happen to she,who used to be our close friend.

2008-01-31T01:36:00.000+08:00

The BIG P

Parents. = irritating
To me.
How much of us do they know? How much of them do we know?

I always wanted to personally sign my parents up for ‘parenting teens and young adults’ courses. In my opinion, they really need it. Didn’t they ever look at their parents and say ‘I never want to do that to my child’? or are they just too caught up with work they can’t see past their parents parenting methods?

Don’t they ever wonder why all their scolding’s and naggings don’t make us any better? Don’t they ever stop and wonder whether their parenting methods are effective?
How about their toooo strict rules? Some too outdated to be enforced.

You have a problem with me sleeping at past 12 everyday? Why must I wake up at 8am? Why must you plan things for me to do? why won’t you let me go out at night?
You say I rebel?......poof...why don’t YOU stop and figure out why I do wat i do?
Better yet,
Why don’t you just LEAVE ME TO DO WHAT I LIKE AT WHATEVER TIME I DECIDE? Whose life is it? Definitely not yours.

It’s not like I want you to completely get your hook of me. All I want is a little space for me to breathe. Yes, you read me right. I think you’re suffocating me.

I’ll still let you control how much time I spend out of the house and in the house. I let you control what I can eat and what I can refuse to eat, which basically is nothing. I let you control my allowance, it’s your money and I respect that.

Why do you want to control my finer things in life at present? No where is it written that we must sleep before 12 and wake up by 8. Let me sleep whatever time I like. Fine if you want me to wake up early, 9 is still bright. Do not bother how much sleep I get, it’s not like I’d complain and be a zombie whole day. I know you care, but don’t force your way of living down my throat.

Do not complain if I do not do the things you planned for me, they’re seldom anything I have in mind. I know what I should brush up on. I don’t need you to tell me that. Just let me do it when I want to. It does not matter how much of it I do in a day. It’s my holidays and I’ll work at my own pace.

The masterpiece, the heart and the soul are all a parcel. Anything done without the complete power of 3 proves futile.

And for once, be quiet when we talk. Give us a chance to state our defence. Don’t jump to conclusions and don’t make assumptions. It’s my greatest dislike about you. Remember, you’re not always right. Neither is anything you didn’t do during your childhood, wrong. We’re just different. And we live in different eras. Peeking out of your shell is good once in awhile.

I love you, but I long for my space. You can’t keep me forever.

2008-01-29T02:24:00.000+08:00

Dear Friend,

Are we just classmates?
Just friends, attached only through work and assignments?
Do we not have anything else in common?
Is our believe and character the only thing we share?
Do I mean more than a pal to you?

Would you be jealous if I were closer to the new girl?
Would you hate me if I didn’t call you anymore?
We used to talk everyday
Why’s it only work we talk about?

Is it you or me us?
Am I scared of you?
Of how we’d be if we shared our heart,
If we spoke our mind?
If we talked on life and love
And everything under the sun?

p/s: I love you more than just a classmate would
I long for a piece of you
Just like how I have a piece of Them.

2008-01-29T01:06:00.000+08:00

oh no!

blogspot's fonts are sooooooo limited!...and to top it all i can't copy and paste the exact post from Word to thie page.! (dolphin's exasperated)

i feel downgraded....it isn't suppose to be this way!